Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Like You Haven't Done It

Exhibit A: A Handful of mouthwatering Skittles©

Most people would look at me and say "Jesus, you're gorgeous." and although I am humble, I don't like causing fistfights so I would agree. And the other thing they might say is "What did you have for lunch today?" because they are interested in my well-being and want to see me live to be 100. Most days I can give a good answer like "Sex on wheat" or "Roast Beef with a side of your mom" but I forgot my lunch today and that's tragic like when a kid is 5 and thinks he's a warlock and his dumb neighbor tricks him into trying to fly of his roof, but guess what kid? You CAN'T fly and your neighbor is a dirty bitch out for herself, and she's gonna laugh so hard at you whilst your picking purple blossoms out of your hair that she's going to pee her pants. Life is full of tough lessons is my point, and not being a warlock is pretty much the toughest.

Another important lesson I learned is that Skittles©, the delicious fruit-flavored snack*, are almost exactly the same size as an 6mm M4 Screw, and both make almost the same clicky noise in your hand if you shake them. And it isn't until you're not paying attention and flip a handful into your mouth that you can tell which is which if you aren't looking. This is a pretty big discovery, I think. See because one is edible and no one will look at you like your a complete idiot if you toss them into your mouth, and the other will make people do that big eyes, head back jerk like they are turning into a chicken only starting with the muscle memory. And then it dawns on you that the flavor in your mouth isn't mouth-watering grape, or tangy cherry, but rather anodized aluminum and while the fat content is probably considerably less on a handful of screws, maybe not swallowing them is the best plan.

And then you have to spit out a handful of screws in front of the chicken people and you have to explain that you thought that they were Skittles© because you weren't paying attention and that why don't they just go somewhere and mind their own business, but they can't hear that admonishment and important reminder that we are all human and make mistakes because they are now laughing as hard as your asshole neighbor did on the tragic day you discovered you weren't really a warlock.

Exhibit B: A handful of less-delicious but roughly the same fucking size as a Skittle so why don't you just go get bent, M4 screws.

Moral: The Universe hates me. Being Handsome is a curse. I humped your mom.


*If anyone at Skittles© wants to work out some kind of restitution for this heinous crime, it would save me the trouble of suing them for Man's Cruelty to Man, or Animal Endangerment, or Rat-humping or whatever. I'd be a great spokesman because I could talk about how much more delicious their candy is than hardware. Call Me!

15 comments:

Soda and Candy said...

Sex on wheat is the best lunch ever, except for all the chaff that gets all up in your business.

I'd vote for you to be the next Skittles spokesmodel.

mytornadoalley said...

Skittles have no fat, so you're kind of back to square one in comparing Skittles to screws. They still have the flavour category by a nose, though, so there's that.

JAG said...

That is an important lesson but fortunately I don't work with screws and no one is going to confuse a subpoena with a Skittle.

Miss Yvonne said...

Dude, roast beef with a side of your mom has soooo many calories.

Wow, that was awkward said...

You should consider a career as a hand model. When you grow up.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I agree, your fingers are quite comely.

I had cocktail wieners with a side of that's what she said. Also hot dogs, fish tacos, bagel dogs, penis soup, loose meat in a pita, man I RULE at this game.

Prosy said...

Skittles are like the wily coyote of candy

Captain Dumbass said...

That's some serious fibre in your diet.

Maggie May said...

i guess you have to watch the toilet now.

BlackLOG said...

And then it dawns on you that the flavor in your mouth isn't mouth-watering grape, or tangy cherry, but rather anodized aluminum and while the fat content is probably considerably less on a handful of screws, maybe not swallowing them is the best plan..

There is a Frenchman Michel Lotito (June 15, 1950 - June 25, 2007) who would disagree with you. He was known as Monsieur Mangetout ("Mister Eat Everything"). His performances was the consumption of metal, glass, rubber, and so on, in items such as bicycles, shopping carts, televisions. I can’t remember if he used motor oil to help the parts go down more easily. If Elvis had 30 pounds of meat in his gut when he died I suspect Monsieur Mangetout probably had a ton of metal. I guess if they ever lose his body they just need to use a metal detector to find it again.


P.S I suspect the girl in your pedophilia award picture may have been confusing screws with skittles…

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Hey!! Wait!! Because of my missing teeth? Sigh.

I get jokes.

Passion said...

It would be a brave man indeed that would want to roll in the hay with my mum...but youre welcome to try. YUK! (shivers at the thought)

Cynica Sarcastamos said...

LOL! This reminds me that while at a movie with my boytoy and his buddy once we were all sharing Sugar Babies. One caused buddy's crown (cap) to come off his tooth and when he went to show it to me I thought he was handing me another Sugar Babie so I popped it in. Yuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
Wet, warm, stinky sharp-edged metal in my mouth! Ackkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!
Traumatized.

Belle said...

Sex on wheat? White or sourdough or something more delicious sounds more appetizing.

The Jules said...

Sypanthise with you man. I made the same mistake.

Ikea furniture stays up for an even shorter time if you use Skittles.