Thursday, November 12, 2009

Asking Tough But Fair Questions

I don't feel good today so I guess someone got their goddamn hands on some kryptonite or maybe anti-handsome toxin or maybe super herpes, but all I want to do is lie down and the boss is frowns on that because I chose to do it in his office. But you know what I say. Finders keepers, losers fuck you, Stalin. But even when I'm down and out I don't want to leave you in the lurch, and that doesn't mean I'm going to stuff you up the ass of the butler from The Addams Family, because I am a perfect gentleman. I'm so fancy if I even walk near a fox it surrenders because it thinks the hunt is on. Also I wear a monocle and a tophat when I go to the men's room, so everyone knows I don't poop. It's the perfect crime really. Because A rolled up newspaper fits into the hat perfect.

Speaking of poop...here's the whole reason I'm posting. It's like an Easter Egg I heard about and wanted to share...only instead of a surprising secret content it's just weird . Here:

I ask all the difficult questions. I'm like Jerry Mathers or Walt Whitman or Cyrano De Bergerac. I don't know...I couldn't think of anyone who asks difficult questions. You make something up. I need a nap.

UPDATE: Kurt went home sick with a case of super herpes that he contracted yesterday when he tripped and fell penis-first into Miss Yvonne's mom, aka "The Toolbox". But he asked me, Steam Me Up Kid, to update this post after I informed him that The Bloggess posted the exact same thing today. Kurt, it appears, puts the i in plagiarism. When you plagiarize, Kurt, you make a liar out of Gia and pez. (Gia as in top model from the 80's, later dead from too much lesbo action with Juliet from  Lost and maybe some drugs like pot and the other stuff you bake in foil and take in a shot. Pez as in the candy. Yes, I used all the letters in plagiarism. I know, it worked out beautifully. It's my best work yet, I think.)

But in all fairness, he thought it up first.

Also, I stole that toolbox joke from Miss Yvonne. (When I stole, I made an ole! out of s and t. *Spanish flamenco clap*) 

11 comments:

Maelstrom said...

I tried that once but the twinkies just didn't come out right.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: You snooze, anal rape.

It's that simple.

Ed Adams said...

Good thing Steamy was there to cover his ass.

And by cover, I mean tongue the inside of.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

No, by cover, you mean place a delicate fancy doily over it so none of his coworkers can see that he's passed out with his pants down humping the crease where the carpet and the linoleum meet. Again.

Captain Dumbass said...

I wonder what else he hides in that top hat?

Nikki said...

Hmm... Super herpes and sleeping anal rape. I wonder if this sounds familiar to Derek Jeter?

Mona Lott said...

This might be the funniest shit ever. I can't tell anymore.

Miss Yvonne said...

I KNEW I should have copyrighted that toolbox joke. Damn it.

mylittlebecky said...

diarrhea! ha!

*feel better hug*

mytornadoalley said...

Why has no one commented regarding the fact that someone in the universe has googled "why is there a dead pakastani on my couch"? Am I the only one wondering a) why IS there a dead pakastani on someone's couch? and b) is google really the best place to have that question answered?

BTW - this one shows up if you google just "why". It's the eighth one down, between "why did the chicken cross the road" and "why did Michael Jackson turn white". All valid queries.

Kristine said...

He totally got the H1N1, didn't he? Because when I see H1N1, I always think HEINIE. Even when I'm talking to my son's pediatrician and it kind of slips out. The word, that is. Not my buttock.

But this is about Kurt. I forgot. Feel better, buttman.