Thursday, October 22, 2009

"With Great Boredom Comes Meh Blog Posts." - Spider-man or Your Mom

I've got this small window of time at work today during which I can write and that is like a gift to the world from my employer and I didn't even know they did charity work because every time they catch me sleeping under my desk they totally wake me up and they're all "You can't sleep on the job! Stop bringing your pillow into work!" and I'm all "Eff you fascist!" and then I drop my pants and bend over and spank my ass at them, like in Braveheart©. And then the evil king Longshanks© attacks and kills off the peasants because he's such an a-hole. I think this post is off to an awesome start! It has battles and evil kings and standing up to the man. It's pretty much a thought revolution all over you and that's way better than semen, if you ask me.

So now I'm sitting around waiting for work and that pretty much makes me a day laborer, except I really don't like the "laborer" part of that title, because it sounds a little slavey to me and like maybe I should be building a pyramid scheme or something. I think I'll substitute "worker" because that has a nice communist ring to it and I can totally picture myself all handsome and windswept standing in front of some red flag with a star on it starting a Worker's Revolution because everyone knows martyrs* are sexy. Look at Che. I don't even know who he is other than that t-shirt guy, but chicks seem to dig him**. I 'd say it was the beard that got him on all those t-shirts but I can't grow a beard other than a fail beard, so that isn't the key to sexy, obviously.

I just bent over to pick up something I dropped from a seated position and I swear to God three ribs popped out to make room for my belly. Maybe it's time to stop eating so much Pop-Tarts©. When you have to change shape like a Transformer© to perform basic body movements, it's time to put the Twix© down. That's in the Bible©. Right after the part about the wolves being kind to the bushes or whatever. Or maybe the part where Jahooba gets swallowed by the whale for 40 days and nights like that Sandra Bullock movie about drinking.

Lunch time! Maybe these new popped out ribs will give me more appetite! Score!

*I just looked up "martyr" and according to the jerks at the online dictionary, you have to die to be a martyr, so I'm totally rethinking my revolution now. Maybe I'll just steal a bunch of Pop-Tarts from the snack area in the break room. Take THAT Capitalist pigs!

**According to facts I just made up, Che's real name was Chico and him and his Father ran a car repair business in the barrio and Che was played by Freddy Prinze Sr. who died of a drug overdose, so he's totally a martyr of poor, disadvantaged drug dealers everywhere. I totally get history, is my point.


Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'm a modern martyr, which means I don't have to die at all. Instead, I live so that I may tell you all the ways I sacrifice for others, over and over and over. It's a sacrifice, all this living. I hope you appreciate it.

HappyHourSue said...

Wasn't Jahooba the fat dude who chained up Carrie Fisher in a bikini?

Soda and Candy said...

Mmmm, ribs.

Belle said...

Whomever copyrighted the Bible... lucky dude! Must be rich.

Miss Yvonne said...

Pretty much anything all over you is better than semen. That's what your mom told me, anyway.

The Jules said...

Being English, I'm always the bad guy apparently, so if you want me to start ordering my minions to attack your peasants so you can be a martyr, let me know.

I will need to pop down to Minions-R-Us for the appropriate followers though. I refuse to set foot in World of Henchmen because they always try and boost the sale by making you take out insurance.

Mandy's Kidding said...

I think you should go for "serf."

Captain Dumbass said...

I'm sure Che would appreciate how much money his face has made.

JAG said...

I just farted so instead of commenting, I think I'll just go poop instead. Cause shitting your pants doesn't make you a martyr. I'm educating you.

miss. chief said...

oh man, the part with the bush being kind to wolves or whatever it was, i lol-ed for real, literally! And then I read it to Dr. Claw, my boyfriend who is not a real doctor but he thought you were weird and said "where's he from again?" so maybe he's jealous that I laughed out loud.

Spot said...

Thought revolutions stains are so much easier to wash out then semen stains. Thanks for making my laundry load easier.


justsomethoughts... said...

you had me at hello.

well done.

Vic said...

Is that why it's been hurting me to breathe lately? I thought my ribs were supposed to stick out like that. Like a built-in shelf bra. Excellent for you too if you ever develop moobs.

Kurt said...

@Becks: I do appreciate it. Your Martyr talk is the "Your Mom" of my day.

@HHS: That was Boba the Hutt, I think. (A thousand Star Wars fans JUST exploded.)

@Belle: Of course you think a man copywritted the Bible. Sexist.

@Miss Yvonne: My mom would Never say that. She was just telling my brother how good his semen was for her wrinkles. Duh.

@The Jules: You aren't ALWAYS the bad guys. Someone had to get bombed by the Germans. Good Job, England!

@Mandy:I prefer to be the "and Turf" part.

@Cap'n D: Yeah he was probably super vain and greedy. Most impoverished revolutionaries are.

@JAG: Enough with the romantic poetry.

@miss.chief: Ilike that where I live might have a direct bearing on how fucked up I am. Tell him I'm from Iceland. They're all depressed and effed up. Look at Bjork. Your witness.

@Spot: You said "load" *snicker*

@JST: You had me at "well done", me and my ego thank you.

@Vic:I can only hope I get moobs. I'd look hot with a nice rack, I think.