Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Weird Al Is Still Alive

So I'm at work, walking through the Parts Vault, which totally sounds like a top secret place where we keep the cybertronic brains and gripper claws for assembling various kinds of Terminators© but is really just where I go to get screws when I need them. (That's TOTALLY what SHE said!) and as I'm walking I'm looking at my feet because Fat Mike works back there and I'm trying not to attract his attention because sometimes he calls me Ken, and one thing I can't abide is being called the wrong thing because that hurts my feelings and makes me challenge people to duels. And he is too much of a heart attack risk to be slapping with my fine silk gloves, and the last thing I need is to kill someone today. Well...the second to last thing. The last thing I need, is to hear Weird Al Yankovic sing "Eat it" it turns out. Because that is exactly what I did hear.

Why the hell would they even ever play that song on the radio? It's 2009 and Michael Jackson is feeling up cherubs right now, so how is this even a little bit relevant? Shit. Maybe Weird Al died. Hold please. I have to check something.

(*elevator music...awkward looks at each other...no one talks*)

Okay, I'm back. Weird Al isn't dead, which is an incredible relief because otherwise where would I get my hilarious parodies of popular songs? Tenacious D? If you think Tenacious D is a suitable replacement for the subtle humor of Weird Al, than I think maybe it's time we part ways, but you can still read my blog and comment and I'll still comment back, but the damage has already been done in my mind and like crapping in your boss' recycle bin while he's at a meeting because he asked you to work overtime, there's no turning back. That is a fundamental divide in our philosophies. Weird Al is like the Bjorn Borg of Pedophilia. I'm not sure what that means but I think we can all agree that I'm right.

So since Weird Al isn't dead, why are they playing "Eat It"? Are they trying to be whimsical and retro at the same time? Because if they wanted to do that they could just snort a line of coke in a shabby apartment with a cardboard sign over one window that says "Studio 54" in scrawled, black, Sharpie© letters and then be unenlightened and think "Broads need to be less mouthy." because the sexual and socio-political upheavals that are going on are intimidating and that isn't "macho" at all and women need to put their bras back on and not set them on fire and just settle the hell down because this is 1975 for Christ's sake, and where the fuck did you guys put my Bee Gees 8-track anyway? Maybe that's not quite whimsy but it's close. It's like mistaking a hippopotamus for a rhinoceros when your stoned. In the end, you'll get arrested for trying to ride them either way.

I think I'm off topic. Do over!

So now Fat Mike is singing "Eat It" really loud and having a hard time breathing and is saying "Hey Ken! Remember THIS ONE?" and laughing and doing this dance that kinda looks like celestial bodies nearly colliding and I just want to find my screws and get back to reality, because apparently the Parts Vault is like the Twilight Zone©, only without Burgess Meredith© having broken glasses. AND HE LOVES BOOKS AND IS LIVING IN A LIBRARY!!!!

The End.

12 comments:

erin said...

Wow dude.
Fat Mike sounds like a blast.

otherworldlyone said...

I can't stop laughing. You're a rambling genius.

CatLadyLarew said...

Gee, thanks alot, Kurt! Now I'm going to be singing that stupid song to myself all day long. (Stupid brain, latching onto stupid songs like that.)

Hunter said...

Sounds like Mike should be singing Wipe Out.

(The Fat Boys version from 1987, obviously.)

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I think Fat Mike should be singing Weird Al's "Fat", because he's....







...fat.

6p00e54ed49fcb8833 said...

"Weird Al is like the Bjorn Borg of Pedophilia."

I know what that means. It means that when you compare Weird Al with a tennis player...

Okay, it means that Bjorn Borg was a pro and Weird Al is a professional m...

It means that Weird Al and Bjorn Borg and Michael Jackson all...

All right. I have no idea what it means either.

Pearl said...

As a woman with an accordion habit that she can STOP AT ANY TIME, I feel I must call you out, sir. We shall duel at dawn.

I'll bring the Starbucks, you bring the lemon danish.

Pearl

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

"Hey Barbie, do you want to go for a ride?" "Sure Ken" There. Now start singing Barbie girl to Fat Mike.

Miss Yvonne said...

I'm pretty sure saying "broads need to be less mouthy" is the very definition of whimsy.

Spot said...

"It's funny because he's fat!"

And if you didn't get The Hangover reference, well then we're not friends anymore. Except that I will still read and comment because I'm like totally addicted to your odd and slightly disturbing ramblings.

And "Eat it" was okay, but I totally prefer the one he did to Avril Lavigne's "Complicated".

♥Spot

Soda and Candy said...

Yesssss! Excellent Twilight Zone reference.

Also, people calling me the wrong name makes me want to cut a bitch. Yours is even only one syllable, how hard is it? The problem is when you're too polite to call them on it and then they go on calling you the wrong name for like 2 years.

Captain Dumbass said...

Do you prefer pistols or sabres?

And what the hell was with Weird Al's hair? Those curls always looked greasy.