Friday, October 30, 2009

A Tribute To Me (Long Overdue)

Because I am a renowned expert in the field of Raawwrrology, which of course is the study of dinosaurs, people often turn to me for answers about these giant insects or robots or whatever the fuck they were from long ago. I am usually happy to help because it gets me out of the house and then I don't have to keep tricking myself into believing that only eating bologna sandwiches all the time isn't sad. Also, it means I get to test the stupid home arrest ankle bracelet to see if it's still working and "protecting" the people of my community from "irrepressible sodomy". Whatever the judge meant by THAT.

I hate legalese.

As part of my Nobel Prize-winning* expertness, I have inspired many great works of art that pretty much benefit all of mankind, but mostly me. And one such offering was made last week after I showed conclusively that I like Pop Tarts© and also that super-imposing South America onto Africa proves God loved dinosaurs as much as he loves kittens and jellyfish and fucking eels or whatever. My Friend Dan took that song that I wrote and made it into a real boy. Okay, not a boy, but he did make a pretty guitar song out of it and he says "fuck" a lot, so I think we can all agree that he should win an Oscar or a Tony, even though he's totally not gay.

Here's the link to his song. Everyone should go listen and then come back and tell me how brilliant I am and how Dan is "getting there"**

*Pending. I think the Swedes all hate me, because of that one time I went there and did something offensive to their culture that I still don't even know what it is, because who has time to look up Sweden in the Wikipedia and find something clever and funny to make fun of. All I can think of that is Swedish is meatballs, and the Chef from The Muppet Show. And I would never make fun of him because he's a hilarious stereotype.

**Dan is all show-offy with his "Doctorate" in "Theoretical Statistics" or whatever. I asked him what it meant one time and he gave me a swirly, so I don't even ask anymore. I just assume it's got something to do with understanding how handsome I am. It takes years to get a handle on that shit.


Mark Price said...

Kurt, in all your awesomeness it's cool that you haven't forgotten about Dan and the dinosaurs. Song didn't do that much for me but I'm positive it was my media players fault.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Um...I'm not sure what a swirly is but I think maybe I'm thinking it means something different than you think it means.

Or maybe not.


Miss Yvonne said...

I smell a new song on itunes top 10 next week!

JAG said...

Well my work's filter blocked that site because it says it's malicious. And if it has a song about/by/in the vicinity of you, it PROBABLY IS.

Mona Lott said...

Bwahahahaha! That was good times!

Captain Dumbass said...

Dan's a fuckin' genius. Even if he's a' gay Swede.

Prosy said...

you know you've made it when someone writes a song about you

Prosy said...

"made it" where, I don't really know

The Jules said...

I'm . . . so proud.

CatLadyLarew said...

Man, I wish I'd written that song. Do you think Dan would mind if I taught it to my preschool class? They love dinosaurs and shit. said...

A swirley?? Very mature for someone with a Doctorate!!

HappyHourSue said...

I don't know what a swirly is but I'm thinking it involves butts.

Carolyn...Online said...

I thought Raawwrrology was the study of older hot chicks. Or girl fights.

Kurt said...

@Mark Price: I'm glad you recognize how amazingly humble I am.

@Becks: It has to do with a handjay you think? I don't know. I'm no scientist.

@Miss Yvonne: That's just your mom.

@JAG: Not Malicious! Like a rainbow. If rainbows said "fuck" a lot. Okay. Not like a rainbow.

@Mona: I haven't earned a "bwaha" in a long time! Yay!

@Cap'n D: He's not gay, he totally never liked it when I fellated him. He said I had a "girl mouth". That's manly!

@Prosy: I know I've made it because HELLO!! I'm me!

@The Jules: Thank you. I have an insane need for acceptance so this works out nicely.

@CatLady: They wouldn't like if I kicked them in the fucking face!! Oh sorry. Yeah...they'd like it.

@belleandnel: You can't have Mature Mat!

@HHS: Of course you do.

@Carolyn: That is Hubbahubbaology. Obviously.