Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Short and Pointless. Like a Gnome Holding an 8-Track Tape


I have been immersed in scientific discovery for the last few days and maybe that means making advances that will benefit all of mankind, or maybe it means inventing the perfect porno or a black hole you can fit in your pocket like in cartoons. But in this case it means I taped my thumbs to my hands and pretended I was a dinosaur. I made little squished up arms and walked around work going "Errrrr-AHHHH!!!!" to see if I could freak anyone out. Because anyone who isn't freaked out by a blood-thirsty dinosaur wandering around the workplace is probably either a superhero in their average person persona or a robot*. Just look at the facts. It's all there in front of you in black and white and red-all-over.

And the most difficult part of the whole thing was to try and make my roar bloodcurdling, because I don't have the Tyrannosaur's lung capacity. So I had to run around yelling scary things like "RRRRAAWWWRRR!! YOUR MOM NEVER LOVED YOU!!!" and "SCCCRRREEEEE!!! THERE"S A GOOD CHANCE THEY ARE MAKING ANOTHER 'PAUL BLART' MOVIE!!" and "CCCCRRRAAAWWWW!!! I CAN SMELL YOUR VAGINA FROM HERE AND IT ISN'T VERY PLEASANT!!" but I only did that one at men because otherwise...sexual harassment. And I don't need THAT hassle again. Women get all sexist and wet-blankety when you chant "I see London. I see France. " at them and then you give a little head nod that's all "Not really, but I'd like too" and then you make the cock-sucking, tongue-pressed-against-cheek motion and then you wink a lot.

My point is sexual harassment is a gray area, like your mom's bush.



*And not the cute kind of robot like Johnny #5, I mean the secret killer kind of robot that acts like it's there to serve you, and carries heavy things for you and has sex with your mom for you and jumps up and down so fast it goes blurry on a dare, and then you thinks it's your best friend and then POW!! Goodbye, face! The robot just fucking ate it!

14 comments:

Logical Libby said...

Did you know that you can be accused of sexual harassment for calling someone a "fucking idiot?" Yeah, you can. I proved it.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Yeah man, I just hate when that happens. People are so fickle, getting all upset when you try to be a dinosaur and get up in their business. Chill out people! And you've depressed me for the rest of the year now by reminding me of the Paul Blart thing. This cannot be allowed.

Mona Lott said...

I hate it when my Dinosaur "FRIIIIIEEEEENDS" eat my face.

mytornadoalley said...

I was kind of on the fence about whether or not robots could actually consume faces, but now that I think about it, you're probably right. That's some scary shit.

p.s. long distance, non-contact high five (you know, because of H1N1 and all) for the Short Circut reference. Made me giggle a little thinking about Los Lobos kicking my balls into outer space.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Hey, pal! My mom's bush is black and full and gets tough stains out of pots and pans, yet it's cozy and fluffy enough to accommodate a sleeping baby Jesus and 5-6 sheep in our holiday nativity scene.

The nerve.

mayopie said...

I do a lot of writing about people eating robots, even used Johnny 5 in one of them. So obviously, I love it here. Thanks Steam Me up, Kid for the referral. I also love playing dinosaur. I think I'm home.

JUST ME said...

If I taped my thumbs to my hands and dinosaur roared where I worked, it would go over so well. Because I work at someone's house. And hang out with a one year old. He LOVES that shit.

miss. chief said...

wait, that person does "a lot of writing about people eating robots"?
I don't imagine robots taste very good.

BADUM CHHHH!

ouch. i just scored a ninety six on the lame-o-meter

Soda and Candy said...

Just remember, it's only sexual harassment if you're ugly.

Or possibly a dinosaur.

So don't combine the mime-cocksucking and dinosaur impression, I guess *shrugs*.

; )

Prosy said...

i like turtles

that was mine

Miss Yvonne said...

If you see that gnome again, tell that bitch to give me back my 8-track tape.

Harna said...

My mom's bush is not gray, assbag! Rude.

Ed Adams said...

I refuse to believe the lie about 8-tracks.

They rule!

Kurt said...

@Logical Libbby: No. I didn't know that. Did you tell them they were hot first or something? Like "You are so sexy, you fucking idiot." Because that's a mixed message.

@The VA: No no. It's funny. Because He's a fat guy who has dreams! HAHAHAHHA!

@Mona: Oh come on! There's dinosaurs. They were pretty much designed to eat your face.

@mytornadoalley: If you stay up there on the fence they might not be able to reach you, so your face won't get eaten. It's like a Catch-22, on paper.

@Becks: I heard it tastes like gumdrops and the smell in the air after a thunderstorm. And Also you need to poke a hole in cardboard to look at it...like an eclipse.

@mayopie: You are home, now clean your room.

@Just Me: You should glue razors to your fingers and then right when the kid is laughing the hardest, cut him. Cut him deep. Put the fear of dinosaurs into him.

@miss.chief: BA-da-dat-da-dat-duhhh! (*Slide whistle*)

@Soda: That's what I'VE been saying all along. Like it's only date rape if they wake up.

@Prosy: I thought that was you.

@Miss Yvonne: Yeah. No way. Finders-Keepers. Frampton really COMES ALIVE in this one!

@Harna: Judge not, lest the people of Eygpt be cast unto a basket of reeds in a river turned to blood commandth Jahooba. I'm a Biblical Expert Assbag, is my point.

Ed Adams: I know right? High sound quality and space saving. They are pretty much like lasers shooting right into your ear-hole.