Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Short and Pointless. Like a Gnome Holding an 8-Track Tape
I have been immersed in scientific discovery for the last few days and maybe that means making advances that will benefit all of mankind, or maybe it means inventing the perfect porno or a black hole you can fit in your pocket like in cartoons. But in this case it means I taped my thumbs to my hands and pretended I was a dinosaur. I made little squished up arms and walked around work going "Errrrr-AHHHH!!!!" to see if I could freak anyone out. Because anyone who isn't freaked out by a blood-thirsty dinosaur wandering around the workplace is probably either a superhero in their average person persona or a robot*. Just look at the facts. It's all there in front of you in black and white and red-all-over.
And the most difficult part of the whole thing was to try and make my roar bloodcurdling, because I don't have the Tyrannosaur's lung capacity. So I had to run around yelling scary things like "RRRRAAWWWRRR!! YOUR MOM NEVER LOVED YOU!!!" and "SCCCRRREEEEE!!! THERE"S A GOOD CHANCE THEY ARE MAKING ANOTHER 'PAUL BLART' MOVIE!!" and "CCCCRRRAAAWWWW!!! I CAN SMELL YOUR VAGINA FROM HERE AND IT ISN'T VERY PLEASANT!!" but I only did that one at men because otherwise...sexual harassment. And I don't need THAT hassle again. Women get all sexist and wet-blankety when you chant "I see London. I see France. " at them and then you give a little head nod that's all "Not really, but I'd like too" and then you make the cock-sucking, tongue-pressed-against-cheek motion and then you wink a lot.
My point is sexual harassment is a gray area, like your mom's bush.
*And not the cute kind of robot like Johnny #5, I mean the secret killer kind of robot that acts like it's there to serve you, and carries heavy things for you and has sex with your mom for you and jumps up and down so fast it goes blurry on a dare, and then you thinks it's your best friend and then POW!! Goodbye, face! The robot just fucking ate it!