I'm trying to think of new ways to make money, because porn doesn't grow on trees apparently. Even if you plant a "Fuck Sluts 7: Sluts in Paradise" DVD in the backyard and water it every day and pray to Vishnu to make it grow even though you aren't Hindu and not positive which one is Vishnu, but you kinda hope it's one the one with 8 arms from Indiana Jones or that crazy elephant one that looks like he's pissed off all the time. I'd look it up but there's a handsome man in my mirror who has all my attention at the moment.
So raising money is trickier than it sounds because, and I'm just making generalizations here so don't get all "Your grasp on the current economic situation is tenuous at best." because check out how awesome my calves look when I tip-toe. Case closed. I went to the bank to get a loan, because HAHAHA!! that's a nutty thing to do when your insolvent...just like in the movies when the old lady tries to get a loan and the mean banker won't let her because she's trying to pay in cats or whatever, and then the loan guy is all "I'm sorry, but that's not good enough." and she's all "You're not sorry yet. But you WILL be." and then she curses him which is a magic power that all old people have and when I'm old I'm gonna curse the Fuck out of pretty much everyone. Don't refill my coffee? Guess what, Waitress? You're cursed. Make me sit in a full diaper all day while you talk about your kids at the nurse's station? Cursed.
It's like fighting crime when you get old, I think.
But I digest... I totally didn't get the loan because I guess the bank is racist against poor people and the guy was all "How did you even go bankrupt 16 times?" and I was all "I shall fight for the good people of Sherwood!" and then I jumped on his desk and looked around for the bags with the "$" on them but there were none, and then I tusseled with a security guard and tripped on the velvet ropes while shouting "Yoiks and Away!" like Daffy Duck as I tried escaping. Security guards have no sense of humor is the moral to THAT story.
And then I thought I'd do a pyramid scheme, but it turns out slaves aren't cheap and neither are 300 ton blocks of granite and I don't even know how I'm supposed to make money off this effing pyramid, so I give up. It was probably a lot easier in Egypt because of Charlton Heston and the Jews being cheap labor. I tried hiring the kid next door to do it and he was all "Five bucks." but that is the opposite of making money so I knifed the tires on his Schwinn and put my hands on my hips and did a forceful nod and made a "humph!" sound. That's one more valuable life lesson I've imparted on the younger generation.
I pretty much NEED a parade if there's any kind of justice in the world.