Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Psst. Hey Buddy! Wanna Buy a Cliché?

I'm trying to think of new ways to make money, because porn doesn't grow on trees apparently. Even if you plant a "Fuck Sluts 7: Sluts in Paradise" DVD in the backyard and water it every day and pray to Vishnu to make it grow even though you aren't Hindu and not positive which one is Vishnu, but you kinda hope it's one the one with 8 arms from Indiana Jones or that crazy elephant one that looks like he's pissed off all the time. I'd look it up but there's a handsome man in my mirror who has all my attention at the moment.

So raising money is trickier than it sounds because, and I'm just making generalizations here so don't get all "Your grasp on the current economic situation is tenuous at best." because check out how awesome my calves look when I tip-toe. Case closed. I went to the bank to get a loan, because HAHAHA!! that's a nutty thing to do when your insolvent...just like in the movies when the old lady tries to get a loan and the mean banker won't let her because she's trying to pay in cats or whatever, and then the loan guy is all "I'm sorry, but that's not good enough." and she's all "You're not sorry yet. But you WILL be." and then she curses him which is a magic power that all old people have and when I'm old I'm gonna curse the Fuck out of pretty much everyone. Don't refill my coffee? Guess what, Waitress? You're cursed. Make me sit in a full diaper all day while you talk about your kids at the nurse's station? Cursed.

It's like fighting crime when you get old, I think.

But I digest... I totally didn't get the loan because I guess the bank is racist against poor people and the guy was all "How did you even go bankrupt 16 times?" and I was all "I shall fight for the good people of Sherwood!" and then I jumped on his desk and looked around for the bags with the "$" on them but there were none, and then I tusseled with a security guard and tripped on the velvet ropes while shouting "Yoiks and Away!" like Daffy Duck as I tried escaping. Security guards have no sense of humor is the moral to THAT story.

And then I thought I'd do a pyramid scheme, but it turns out slaves aren't cheap and neither are 300 ton blocks of granite and I don't even know how I'm supposed to make money off this effing pyramid, so I give up. It was probably a lot easier in Egypt because of Charlton Heston and the Jews being cheap labor. I tried hiring the kid next door to do it and he was all "Five bucks." but that is the opposite of making money so I knifed the tires on his Schwinn and put my hands on my hips and did a forceful nod and made a "humph!" sound. That's one more valuable life lesson I've imparted on the younger generation.

I pretty much NEED a parade if there's any kind of justice in the world.


Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Well, how did you expect to rob that bank without any sticks of dynamite with TNT written on them? You can't get the $ without the TNT. Holy shit, is that an ACDC song?

miss. chief said...

ah! Pyramid schemes involving actual pyramids. I get it now!

Chelle said...

God Dammit. I looked over and saw your 209 followers and thought they were mine for a second, mainly because I was distracted by thinking about funny blog names with the kooky phrase, 'chicken crumbs' in it. Then I decided it was dumb after all and realized I wasn't looking at MY blog.

You whore.

otherworldlyone said...

I think you might be on to something with that old people curse thing.

Pyramid schemes suck, but I may or may not have a starter kit of knives from Cutco....

Ed Adams said...

"I'd look it up but there's a handsome man in my mirror who has all my attention at the moment."

I am so stealing that.

HappyHourSue said...

How lucky are you to always have readers who vow to steal your lines. 'Lucky', is what I say.

LOL- "pyramid scheme". I am totally stealing that.

erin said...

I like how you can morph from robin hood to daffy duck and then to that jerk wad neighbor who slashed all of our bike tires in 1989...for parking them in his driveway.

His driveway was the entrance to the playground. Ass.

Nanodance said...

Seriously- What Erin said. And in four paragraphs! And btw, the line I wish to steal is- Porn doesn't grow on trees.

Carolyn...Online said...

Those bank bastards hardly ever give money to the poor porn-deprived people.

Prosy said...

Was there any point in that story when maybe you ran off the edge of a cliff, but you didn't notice at first so you kept running, before looking around befuddled and then trying to run on the empty air? I love it when you do that.

Soda and Candy said...

Aw yeah, I am so cursing people when I'm old. They shall fear me! And then maybe the neighborhood kids will stop trying to break our porch railings.

Captain Dumbass said...

Ganesh is definitely into porn, just check out that guy's elephant nose. You know what he's about.

Mark Price said...

Well I guess I learned a valuable lesson. If I want to steal good lines I have to be in the first 7 or 8 commenters. Whats left, ok I will take "yoiks and away!"

Vic said...

I love the way your calves look when you nod forcefully. Especially when you're wearing your robe.

What? Sometimes I daydream. It's your own fault for being so devastatingly handsome and also a super hero.

Kurt said...

@Becks: No. That one was Journey, I think. Or maybe, Backstreet Boys.

@miss.chief: It's the slavery that really helps the bottom line, I think.

@Chelle: You say "whore", I say "venture capitalist specializing in dick"

@OWO: The trick to pyramid schemes is bewaring the Mummy's Curse. After that, you're homefree...unless God stick's his big nose in...then you'll have all kinds of plagues to deal with.

@Ed Adams: Steal away. There's plenty of handsome to go around.

@HappyHourSue: I am so stealing your comment.

@erin: That guy sounds fair and reasonable. Because kids are the ones who are asking for it most...what with all that laughing and enjoying life and all.

@Nanodance:If porn grew on trees all men would be gardeners. That's like a line RIGHT OUT OF the Bible. Trust me.

@Carolyn: I know, right? What the world needs now is a hero...a hero who believes in truth, just tits, and The American Three-way.

@Prosy: No, but I did shake my head back and forth and make that *wobbity-wobbity-wobbity* sound.

@Soda: No. I got a petition from all the kids in the future saying they hate you. Sorry.

@Cap'n D: GANESH!! See? Why look anything up? Ask and ye shall receive, except if you ask a nun for porn.

@Mark Price: I'm pretty much like a yard sale. All the good shit is gone by 8am.

@Vic: I know...it's the cross I have to bear.

Soda and Candy said...