Friday, October 16, 2009

Okay. I gotta be quick. That's what She said! Wait...No.

So I just went to the movies and saw Transporter 2 because of course I did, and Jason Statham rips his shirt off so much you'd think he was a drug-sniffing dog and his shirt was a Samsonite and his pectoral muscles where an 8-ball of Peyote or whatever. I don't know drug words because I believe in "Hugs not Drugs" and also "Fucks Not Sucks", but that is a less firm rule, and also "Bongs not Gongs" because who the Eff needs a gong? And also...


Okay. Ignore that part. I had to use the beginning of an old post I started because I'm on a limited time frame because when you pull the fire alarm at work it usually only takes the fire department like 6 minutes to respond, and then another 10 to sweep the building, and then another 3 minutes to decide it was a false alarm and the cops should maybe investigate. And by that time I better be standing outside with everyone else and making suspicious eyes at that one coworker I have who says "short-pants" instead of "shorts" every time and no she didn't just walk out of a Daguerreotype and I don't think she served on Queen Victoria's Royal court, but that shit has got to stop, which is why I'm giving her the hairy eyeball,yo.

And I don't know about you, but typing "hairy eyeball" gives me the willies, because what does that even mean? Like your eye fell out and it was rolling along the floor and you were bent over chasing it, all shuffle-walky and every time you go to pick it up you accidentally kick it and it rolls a little further, and when you pick it up it's all covered in dirt and dust bunnies and pubic hair, and then you try blow it off real quick and put it back in, but after that it never works right again, and it sees black as white and now you are racist against your own people until you learn a valuable life lesson, and then POOF! racist no more! Except against midgets because they are short not a different color so your eyeball sees them okay.

Okay. Gotta go. Here comes the firemen. Go read my article at Mama Pop and laugh and laugh and laugh. And then leave a literal comment, because Steamy is really onto something there.

11 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

The five-second rule applies to eyeballs, too, right?

It's so hard to find your eyeballs when you're missing an eyeball. It's like how the rich get richer and poor get poorer, only with eyeballs.

Miss Yvonne said...

Stupid pubic hair. That shit gets on everything. Even eyeballs, I guess.

Also, I've never met a man who's motto is "Fucks not Sucks"...it's usually just "Sucks. All The Time.". So you are pretty much an enigma wrapped in a puzzle inside a hairy eyeball.

Ed Adams said...

I had a ball pop out once and roll across the floor. It was already covered with pubic hair, though. Stupid fake testicles and their zipper sacks with the broken zippers.

I Wonder Wye said...

Sure, it's easy to mock hairy eye balls when you HAVE an eyeball, jack leg. Oops - thought that out loud. Maybe Jason S has it in his contract to show his pecs and abs just like Matthew McC. has to preen his butt during at least one shower scene..but after all, it's high time they started supplying eye candy for the GALS.

razorsandvines said...

"until you learn a valuable life lesson, and then POOF! racist no more!"

lmao...

I love this freakin' journal.

CatLadyLarew said...

Damn you, Kurt! I was laughing so hard I forgot to close my eyes when I sneezed and my eyeball fell out and now it's got dog hair and dust bunnies and shit all over it. Yes, I Do have SHIT on my rug, if you must ask. Deal with it!

Freakin' hairy eyeball!

Dawn said...

Ugh! My dad always says "short pants" it drives me CRAZY! They're SHORTS, dad, SHORTS!

Mona Lott said...

The last time I was in the presence of someone who said, "short pants", I patiently waited for them to stop being a moron (which never happened), and then when she looked at me in that, "are you going to answer my question" way, I told her a story, using all the oldest, weridest terms I could think of, and the longer it went on, the more she looked at me like *I'm* a douche, so I stopped and said, "Exactly." and she was like, "pardon?" and I was like, "Oh, I thought it was Talk Like a Schmuck Day, my bad."

She never talked to me again. Score.

Bongs not Gongs. Clearly.

Cynthia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cynthia said...

And if you were in Okinawa on the military base and you were staying illegally in the mens' barracks and used a hot plate to cook a poptart and it accidentally set off the fire alarm (let me stop here for a breath), even when you make it outside to stand in the crowd ten minutes later you will still be totally and completely busted. And I wish to God that I did not know that fact but I really truly do.

JAG said...

Well if you want to know how I REALLY reacted, know that I chuckled very quietly to myself and at one point made a noise like I was exhaling but it was really me LOLing. That's as OL as I L Kurt. Don't judge me, it's like a birth defect.