Monday, October 26, 2009

It's Sorta About Baseball Hats. *shrug*

So I pretty much had the worst revelation ever yesterday and I know what you're thinking. "Shit. There goes the whole world because judgment day is upon us, according to made-up stories in the Bible." But that's not the kind of revelation I'm talking about.

Settle down.

The revelation I had is about aging, and it's not easy for me to admit I'm getting older because "Silver Fox" is not a nickname I'm ready for just yet. I prefer "Roguishly Handsome" or "Impishly Stunning" or "Incredibly Endowed"*.

"Change is hard", is my point. My capacity to change is limited to socks and sometimes underpants, and getaway vehicles because if you change cars two or three times during a getaway, it's like you just disappear. Unless you're in a parking lot with surveillance cameras and instead of driving somewhere and THEN changing vehicles you just get in the first three unlocked cars you can find and sit there for a minute hoping the trail will go cold. They never tell you all the details in the movies, is also my point.

Okay. About aging.

Baseball hats are very important to me, because they are my way of saying "I haven't showered in a while and my hair looks like an animal that was hit by a car and died and has blood matted in it's fur and then a few days pass and it starts to get all gross, and maybe it rains one of those days so now the fur is clotty** and eww. " Only I say it by wearing a hat. It's like how nature tells animals to stay away from one another like the skunk's stripe or the Poisonous Tree Frog's bright colors or the T. Rex's giant fucking teeth in your neck. Kinda a head's up, that I may or may not still smell like I'm sweating out the cheap wine and vagina from the night before. I don't know if you sweat out vagina. But I hope so. I like the whole world to know how sexy I am, as if it wasn't obvious.

But what I've come to understand is that no matter how comfortable it is, I am just too old to wear my baseball hat backwards. It looks desperate, like the face of a hooker just as you close the trunk. It says "Hey world! Check out the old guy trying to be handsome AND young. You can't have it both ways, Glory Days!" And I hate it when I get called Glory Days because it sounds like a mix of "Glory" which was about black ex-slaves fighting for the North in the Civil War and Denzel Washington was in it and was a very angry ex-slave and made me nervous, and "Happy Days" which starred Henry Winkler as a closeted gay man living over the garage of some nice folk and Potsy and something something Pinky Tuscadero. I don't know. My parents pretty much kept me whacked out on Robitussin DM© for my whole childhood, because I liked to "raise hell with no pants on" according to the psychiatric evaluation I just found last year, and that was the only way they could control me.

Anyway(s), You're such a Potsy.

So now I have to wear my baseball cap forward, and that's a fine how-do-you-do because... Fuck I'm bored with this subject. And I'm hungry. I need a Pop Tart©.

Fin.

*And by "Incredibly Endowed" I mean "Gifted Sexually". And by "Gifted Sexually" I mean "Nothing that great." and by "Not that Great", I mean "Incredibly Endowed". Think about it.

**"Clotty" is the new "Your Mom" according to Hoyle, which I understand previously had to do with game rules, but now has to do with nasty slogans because who the eff even plays games that aren't on the computer anymore? Your mom, that's who. She plays Strip Heads or Tails too, according to the rumor I just started.

PS: Go Read Mama Pop! I'm hysterical. Trust me. If you don't laugh it's your own fault. Not Mine.

17 comments:

Mandy's Kidding said...

I tell my son that only "Bad Guys" wear their hats backwards. What I really meant was "Tools" but you don't want to give a five-year-old that verbal weapon. Not quite yet.

He wears his caps forward.

'Cause his mom says so.

Forward looks good on you. Now go wash your hair.

Prosy said...

Is it ever ok now for someone to wear their hat backwards? I though that died out in the 90's...so really, you are just too cool and with it to wear your hat backwards

Soda and Candy said...

Yeah, backwards-hats are Douche City, please don't ever do it, even if you go in a time machine and become young enough again to think it might work.

Wait... that's not how time machines work. Shit.

JAG said...

All I can think about now is Show Me Your Genitals. Thanks.

Ed Adams said...

I will wear my hat backwards until it stops looking as awesome on me as it does which is never, then I will get one of those Sherlock Holmes hats with the bill in the front and the back so I can still wear it backwards, but in secret.

HappyHourSue said...

You could wear your pants backwards like Kriss-Kross. And i don't mean Chris Cross as in "Sailing" I mean Kriss m-f'n Kross, old man.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I think hat backwards is ok, as long as you keep the tag on it, gangsta style. That way you have Glory Days x D-bag, which cancel each other out, making you super hip. Do the math.

Oh but...I forgot about your shaved Vanilla Ice eyebrow lines. That's (Glory Days x 2) x D-bag. That's a problem.

Miss Yvonne said...

Wasn't there one named Ralph Mouth or something? I would have totally dated him because hello! Ralph MOUTH. Think about it.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

how douchey. douchy? dooshie.

get one of those net in the back/foam in the front dealies that old guys wear crisply diplayed atop their big ol heads. i just wanna run up and cram it down so it looks right.

funny stuff.

Nanodance said...

Fonzie was gay?

justsomethoughts... said...

i like to raise hell with no pants on.
incredible.
we must be related.

justsomethoughts... said...

and that, good sir, will be the title of my new album.
i hope you dont mind.

Spot said...

Potsy was hott.

I thought cool guys wore their baseball caps sideways?! I'm so lost.

♥Spot

Kurt said...

@Mandy: Aw. He listens to his mom. (*insert Mom Joke Here*)

@Prosy: According to leading scientists at the Fashion Institute, I'm goddamn handsome. In other news, No probably not.

@Soda and Candy: How time machines work is...wait I just got a note from my future self telling me not tell you. Sorry.

@JAG: I picture Cuba Gooding Jr. shouting that at Tom Cruise.

@Ed Adams: I didn't know I had a fellow graduate of Genius Detective School in my readership! Huzzah! Which I think is French for "Nice Ass!"

@HHSue: That comment makes me wanna...Oh never mind.

@Becks: I love when you do proof work. That's a great illustration of the Associative Law of Your Mom.

@Miss Yvonne: Yeah but he was a ginger. You really want that action?

@Stephanie MG: Please don't cram my head.

@Nanodance: I thought you asked if "Fozzie" was gay. And I was all "Chuh!" like that's big effing news.

@justsomethoughts: I thought I recognized you from Group.

@Spot: I know. I know. Once MC Hammer lost his edge, things went to shit.

Captain Dumbass said...

Snipers can wear backwards hats, so maybe just start carrying a rifle around.

Mona Lott said...

I have to admit... I still like the backwards hat thing. I hate the side ways hat thing, but I don't know if I really think you can be too old to wear it backwards. -Unless that Vanilla Ice eyebrow story is true, in which case... I can't help you. -And Trucker Hats are THE WORST. (with the mesh in the back. Verp)

Also, YAY!!!! Hooker in the trunk made a comeback!! There's no telling why I love it, but I do.

The High Pizza Delivery Guy said...

When I gained 40 pounds after my senior year of football, I started wearing sweatshirts everyday. Similar to how you like to hide your hair, I tried to hide my fat. If your hair is especially scrubby you might need extra large hats to mask the smell. Take a shower man!!

Hat reviews.
Hat of the Day. Everyday.