I woke up this morning super-mad at my alarm clock because it was being an asshole and making all kinds of noise when I was trying to sleep. And I was all "Jesus, Alarm Clock! I'm trying to sleep over here!" and it was all "Wake up, asshole." and I was all "You don't have to call me names." and it was all "You're the one who started it. You woke up angry at me and all I'm doing is my job." and I was all "That's what the Nazis said. So nice job, Anti-Semite!" and it was all "Your Greasy Granny is an Anti-Semite." and I was all "You leave Nana out of this. She'll hump anyone!" and then we both laughed so hard milk came out our noses. And that's probably a medical condition because I wasn't even drinking milk, and I'm not a cow and my nose isn't an udder. Also alarm clocks don't have noses.
This fucker is totally off the rails already, huh?
Let me start again...
So this morning I was having pleasant dreams all over the place when my alarm clock decided to tell me what's what and stomped on my face. I don't like this alarm clock even a little bit, like when you have that one cousin who always has his hand down his pants and strokes his junk subtly but not that subtly because everyone sees him,and then he picks his nose and eats it with his cock-rubbing hand and you wonder what's grosser the booger or the ball-sweat and then his mom asks him to help serve dinner and his hands are all over the dinner rolls, so now they are buttery cock-snot flavored rolls and fuck that...we had those at Christmas last year.
So the clock is just like that except instead of all that stuff about wang and snot, it just makes a loud noise and wakes me up, and that makes me hostile and totally racist against alarm clocks, and if I knew where a family of them lived I would totally make sure my kids never went over there to play because those people are just terrible. And my kids would be all "But DAAAAAD! It's not Faayy-errrrrr!" and I'd be all "Huh?" because as soon as the kids start talking I put on headphones and sing at the top of my lungs and this time I was singing "Slide it In" by Whitesnake and the kids were making funny faces and I guess that song is about humping, which I never put together before this, but yeah..."slide it in, right to the top"... That's about humping alright. I don't even need my genius detective kit to solve this mystery. I think I scared The Boy off vaginas now for keeps. Because he isn't experienced like me and doesn't know where the "top" of the vagina even is. But I do. It's the bellybutton. Don't make that face. You're not a doctor...you don't know.
Moral: The top of the vagina is the bellybutton and my alarm clock is an asshole. The end.