Monday, October 19, 2009

If You Get Done and Ask Yourself "Why Did I Read This?" , I Forgive You.

I woke up this morning super-mad at my alarm clock because it was being an asshole and making all kinds of noise when I was trying to sleep. And I was all "Jesus, Alarm Clock! I'm trying to sleep over here!" and it was all "Wake up, asshole." and I was all "You don't have to call me names." and it was all "You're the one who started it. You woke up angry at me and all I'm doing is my job." and I was all "That's what the Nazis said. So nice job, Anti-Semite!" and it was all "Your Greasy Granny is an Anti-Semite." and I was all "You leave Nana out of this. She'll hump anyone!" and then we both laughed so hard milk came out our noses. And that's probably a medical condition because I wasn't even drinking milk, and I'm not a cow and my nose isn't an udder. Also alarm clocks don't have noses.

This fucker is totally off the rails already, huh?

Let me start again...

So this morning I was having pleasant dreams all over the place when my alarm clock decided to tell me what's what and stomped on my face. I don't like this alarm clock even a little bit, like when you have that one cousin who always has his hand down his pants and strokes his junk subtly but not that subtly because everyone sees him,and then he picks his nose and eats it with his cock-rubbing hand and you wonder what's grosser the booger or the ball-sweat and then his mom asks him to help serve dinner and his hands are all over the dinner rolls, so now they are buttery cock-snot flavored rolls and fuck that...we had those at Christmas last year.

So the clock is just like that except instead of all that stuff about wang and snot, it just makes a loud noise and wakes me up, and that makes me hostile and totally racist against alarm clocks, and if I knew where a family of them lived I would totally make sure my kids never went over there to play because those people are just terrible. And my kids would be all "But DAAAAAD! It's not Faayy-errrrrr!" and I'd be all "Huh?" because as soon as the kids start talking I put on headphones and sing at the top of my lungs and this time I was singing "Slide it In" by Whitesnake and the kids were making funny faces and I guess that song is about humping, which I never put together before this, but yeah..."slide it in, right to the top"... That's about humping alright. I don't even need my genius detective kit to solve this mystery. I think I scared The Boy off vaginas now for keeps. Because he isn't experienced like me and doesn't know where the "top" of the vagina even is. But I do. It's the bellybutton. Don't make that face. You're not a don't know.

Moral: The top of the vagina is the bellybutton and my alarm clock is an asshole. The end.


Steam Me Up, Kid said...

The upper vagina/bellybutton is where all the magic happens. Ladies like it when you stick it in there. It like saying, "I want to make a baby with you so bad, I'm taking a shortcut!" It is SO a shortcut. Like the poem goes, "Milk, milk, lemonade...take the bellybutton to the baby cave...stick your penis in the hole, now you've got a tootsie roll!" Tootsie roll is a metaphor for baby in this poem.

Wow. It's like I don't even care anymore. Serious commenter shame.

Wow, that was awkward said...

These are my favorite kinds of posts of yours. Glad you got that out. I hope you feel better.

Captain Dumbass said...

Bellybutton? I gotta write that down...

Spot said...

Omg! We have the same cousin! Did yours grow up to be a child molester I mean high school principal too?


PS- I totally apologize to my cousin for dragging him into this mess but Kurt totally started it!!!

Cynthia said...

I like how you wrapped it all up at the end with a moral. I'm going to have to pretend I never read that entire second paragraph about your cousin. Nothing personal, I just need to make it through the day without barfing

Hope said...


Two minutes of my life GONE.
Just like that.

I like it.

Mark Price said...

Holy cow I think I'm your cousin! So, you want another roll?

Ed Adams said...

Note to self:

G-spot is located in women's belly-buttons.

I've been looking for that bitch for awhile now.

miss. chief said...

I love alarm clock stories! They're so relateable.

Wait, I spelled that wrong, didn't I?

Fuck it. What's done is done. No take-backs.

Vic said...

This fucker is totally off the rails already, huh? is what I think most mornings, right around 8:30. By then it's too late.

Kurt said...

@Becks: I prefer the upper vagina to the lower one because I'm not into anal. Your poem made me cry a little. You have a warrior soul, My Dear.

@WTWA: I do feel better, but I think that's the Meds kicking in.

@Cap'n D: I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure thats where the orgasm button is too. Whatever that thing is called.

@Spot: I didn't start the fire. It's been always burning since something, something... Eff Billy Joel.

@Cynthia: Sigh. I've missed you. So few people employ "barf" properly.

@Hope: It's so ironic that you read me and your name is Hope.

@Mark: You aren't my cousin. You aren't scared of the internet.

@Ed: Yeah. Everything below the waist on them is pretty much a Rubic's Cube.

@miss.chief: You are tough but fair.

@Vic: By then, if they aren't going to learn, they weren't meant to anyway(s).

otherworldlyone said...

I learn something new every time I read your posts. I'm a woman and I had NO idea the belly button was the top of the vagina. I'm telling my Gyno immediately.

Also, my grandpa's Filipino love slave does something similar at family dinners. Except it involves dogs and...Well, I go hungry.

Mona Lott said...

Kurt... He already loves sweater vests. Maybe you could stop helping, just for a little while?

Miss Yvonne said...

Good thing I'm short-waisted.

Hey yooooo!!!

HappyHourSue said...

I am tweeting the crap outta this.

That Baldy Fella said...

Wang and Snot were an unsuccessful avant garde comedy act in the 1980's whose brand of violence-tinged practical jokery was way ahead of the Jackass-style shenanigans which were to become so popular much later on. True fact. Or maybe a lie. I forget which one but it's definitely one of those things.

Belle said...

Oh. My. God. The conversation you had with your alarm clock is pure genius.

Nel said...

I just want you to know that I am sitting across from Belle right now and she hasn't stopped cracking up for the last 5 minutes from reading this post.

Seriously...she isn't breathing.