Reprinted From A Letter I Got from Some A-hole:
Dear Mr. S*.,
We at the New London Literary Review have received your application for evaluation with regard to your website "The Monster Apathy", and while we are not strictly critics of the printed word, we do tend to stick mainly to those media. Your claim that "The Monster Apathy is so important it will [expletive deleted] sterilize you and sit on your face and [expletive deleted]!!", however, garnered our attention. We have, as such, reviewed a few of your entries with the intent of delivering some feedback to you. What we read was somewhere between frightening and appalling on a literary level. You seem to be using run-on sentences the way others use carriage returns. I know that you warned us that "You [expletive deleted] need to pay close attention, because I'm like [expletive deleted] dynamite! I go so fast, your wives' [expletive deleted] will drip [expletive deleted] juice all over your [expletive deleted] like my [expletive deleted] mom!!", but we were not quite prepared for what we found.
Never before has so little content presumed to occupy so much space. It really is a credit to your talents that you are able to string even the barely intelligible thoughts together the way you do. Your creative use of absent punctuation, along with your incredible knack of misspelling words makes us feel your claims that "I [expletive deleted] all over the [expletive deleted] who went to college and got degrees in being a [expletive deleted] or whatever. I'm like the [expletive deleted] Bob Villa of your stinky, dripping house of [expletive deleted]. HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
We at the Review aren't sure we can even make any recommendations for improvement. Maybe set your computer on fire? That would be a good start. Breaking your fingers seems like a particularly satisfying solution to those of us working in the writing business. Whatever it takes to insure you stop doing what your doing and perhaps go back to some form of heavily medicated psychiatric treatment. In summation, please stop writing us immediately and stop sending gifts to the editor in the form of animals you've frozen after you "totally found them that way" because if you do not cease and desist we will be forced to turn to the authorities.
The New London Literary Review
* I changed this so you wouldn't know my last name because it's such a huge secret that foreign governments would totally shit their pants to learn my true identity. And if you think seeing a WHOLE GOVERNMENT shit its pants would be an exciting adventure, then get bent, Anarchist.