Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Fan Mail

Reprinted From A Letter I Got from Some A-hole:

Dear Mr. S*.,

We at the New London Literary Review have received your application for evaluation with regard to your website "The Monster Apathy", and while we are not strictly critics of the printed word, we do tend to stick mainly to those media. Your claim that "The Monster Apathy is so important it will [expletive deleted] sterilize you and sit on your face and [expletive deleted]!!", however, garnered our attention. We have, as such, reviewed a few of your entries with the intent of delivering some feedback to you. What we read was somewhere between frightening and appalling on a literary level. You seem to be using run-on sentences the way others use carriage returns. I know that you warned us that "You [expletive deleted] need to pay close attention, because I'm like [expletive deleted] dynamite! I go so fast, your wives' [expletive deleted] will drip [expletive deleted] juice all over your [expletive deleted] like my [expletive deleted] mom!!", but we were not quite prepared for what we found.

Never before has so little content presumed to occupy so much space. It really is a credit to your talents that you are able to string even the barely intelligible thoughts together the way you do. Your creative use of absent punctuation, along with your incredible knack of misspelling words makes us feel your claims that "I [expletive deleted] all over the [expletive deleted] who went to college and got degrees in being a [expletive deleted] or whatever. I'm like the [expletive deleted] Bob Villa of your stinky, dripping house of [expletive deleted]. HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

We at the Review aren't sure we can even make any recommendations for improvement. Maybe set your computer on fire? That would be a good start. Breaking your fingers seems like a particularly satisfying solution to those of us working in the writing business. Whatever it takes to insure you stop doing what your doing and perhaps go back to some form of heavily medicated psychiatric treatment. In summation, please stop writing us immediately and stop sending gifts to the editor in the form of animals you've frozen after you "totally found them that way" because if you do not cease and desist we will be forced to turn to the authorities.

Most Sincerely,
Douglas Chenowick
The New London Literary Review

* I changed this so you wouldn't know my last name because it's such a huge secret that foreign governments would totally shit their pants to learn my true identity. And if you think seeing a WHOLE GOVERNMENT shit its pants would be an exciting adventure, then get bent, Anarchist.


Steam Me Up, Kid said...

"I go so fast, your wives toddlers will drip orange juice all over your expensive white sofas like my clumsy mom."

Yeah, I found the original draft. Nice try, potty mouth.

erin said...

You should send back a video post of you doing a super good Beavis impersonation setting your computer ablaze.

That would be nice.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Oh man. I'm so happy I'm not the only one that uh...finds animals already frozen. Do you get that thing with rogue dismembered fingers in your plumbing too?

JAG said...

"The Monster Apathy is so important it will definitely not sterilize you and sit on your face and then quickly apologize for being so clumsy!!"

Steamy sent me the original too...and dude c'mon, Steinberg is a totally acceptable last name. No one cares that you're Jewish. Embrace your faith.

Maelstrom said...

Another A++ review, grats!

Cynthia said...

Wow, British soemthingsometing Review thingy. Who knew your degree in animal husbandry, or whatever, would take you so far. Put this in a gilt frame and place it prominently in your office.

Captain Dumbass said...

I was laughing so hard at this one I literally had a hand on my stomach. I'm not sure what that says about me as a person, but I'm concerned enough that I'm looking into therapy and experimental medication.

Hope said...

"Then get bent, Anarchist."


CatLadyLarew said...

So I guess what this means is we'd better stick with your literary genius in blog form, as the book won't be published in the near future?

Soda and Candy said...

Nice try at hiding your identity, Mr Sasterisk. Try a little harder next time, huh?

Miss Yvonne said...

Since when is "totally" an expletive? That was the word they were deleting, right?

Ed Adams said...

Why does he keep telling YOU what you wrote?

I hate when people do that shit.

"I KNOW what I (expletive deleted) wrote!"

Kurt said...

@Becks: I know. It's pretty much like finding the Dead Sea Scrolls or the Rosetta Stone and then when you go to interpret it, it's just a rock with crude pictures of cocks and boobs drawn all over it.

@erin: Don't be racist toward computers. Remember. Without computers there'd be no porn.

@The VA: It's funny because it's TRUE!

@JAG: That's not cool man. Jewish People killed DOZENS of my people at Nuremberg. Literally DOZENS.

@Maelstrom: It's hard to know where to keep all my accolades sometimes.

@Cynthia: If by "office" you mean "next to the Playboy calendar in the bathroom" then I am offended and also how did you even know?

@Cap'n D: Was the hand to keep your guts from exploding. Because maybe go to the doctor instead of the psychiatrist. I would hate for you to blow out your giggle gland or whatever.

@Hope: Anarchists are the leading cause of Anarchy in America today. Keep laughing and one day something will happen. Mark my words.

@CatLady: My genius Autobiography is currently embroiled in a bidding war between a pretend publisher I made up and the teddy bear I had when I was a kid. It may never see the light of day.

@Miss Yvonne: Totally.

@Ed Adams: And he took out all the swears. It's hard to imagine my incredible passion without them.

Carolyn...Online said...

But I think you impressed them with your complete lack of accepted grammatical style. Yay you!

The pale observer said...

You gained a new follower - I love your sense of humour and lack of literary skills!

Holli in Ghana

Mona Lott said...

Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh boy are they gonna be shocked when you [expletive deleted] their company to the [expletive deleted]... Well, they brought it on themselves.