I've only got twelve minutes to write this post and maybe you think that sounds like a long time, but you are very wrong because you know how it takes a giant ocean-liner like forever to get up to speed? Well that's how it is with my brain except my brain wouldn't let the poor people on like the Titanic did, because everyone knows it was poverty in steerage that sank that ship and not some innocent iceberg that everyone gets all racist about. But my brain is like that ship because it takes it a while to get up to speed because it is so big and it's like the tortoise and the hare only my brain is also the hare because it is so fast once it gets going and also I am very loving so it's much more like a warm-blooded bunny, than some asshole reptile who is all self-important and "hard-working", whatever that means, and fuck him anyway(s) because last time I checked turtles like to rape shoes, while bunnies only rape each other with love. So there you go.
The reason I only have 12 minutes is because I got promoted at my job and I know what you're thinking... "Of course he did. The good looking ones ALWAYS get promoted. And while normally I would be furious at such a gross injustice, in this case it's Kurt and that makes total sense because he is such a handsome genius that I want to steal the hat off someone I meet on the street and then take a crap in it, and then put it back on his head and laugh and laugh and laugh, and it's totally okay because when the cops show up I'll just tell them I was thinking about how handsome Kurt is and they be all 'Oh. Yeah. We get that all the time. Plus, we often get unexpected heterosexual boners for him to.' "
I always cause heterosexual boners in our law enforcement community. It's not so much a gift as it is a curse. Like the monkey's paw...only sexier and with cops.