Thursday, September 24, 2009

You Read It.I Have to Get Back To Work.

I've only got twelve minutes to write this post and maybe you think that sounds like a long time, but you are very wrong because you know how it takes a giant ocean-liner like forever to get up to speed? Well that's how it is with my brain except my brain wouldn't let the poor people on like the Titanic did, because everyone knows it was poverty in steerage that sank that ship and not some innocent iceberg that everyone gets all racist about. But my brain is like that ship because it takes it a while to get up to speed because it is so big and it's like the tortoise and the hare only my brain is also the hare because it is so fast once it gets going and also I am very loving so it's much more like a warm-blooded bunny, than some asshole reptile who is all self-important and "hard-working", whatever that means, and fuck him anyway(s) because last time I checked turtles like to rape shoes, while bunnies only rape each other with love. So there you go.

The reason I only have 12 minutes is because I got promoted at my job and I know what you're thinking... "Of course he did. The good looking ones ALWAYS get promoted. And while normally I would be furious at such a gross injustice, in this case it's Kurt and that makes total sense because he is such a handsome genius that I want to steal the hat off someone I meet on the street and then take a crap in it, and then put it back on his head and laugh and laugh and laugh, and it's totally okay because when the cops show up I'll just tell them I was thinking about how handsome Kurt is and they be all 'Oh. Yeah. We get that all the time. Plus, we often get unexpected heterosexual boners for him to.' "

I always cause heterosexual boners in our law enforcement community. It's not so much a gift as it is a curse. Like the monkey's paw...only sexier and with cops.

ANNDDDD Time!

17 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Just be sure you don't use one of those trucker caps. It's like a sieve is what it is. Totally ruins the joke.

otherworldlyone said...

Heterosexual boners are a new concept for me. Never thought about it. This could take a few days.

The Jules said...

Anyone got a ten-gallon hat?

I've had an underdone prawn pathia.

CatLadyLarew said...

You got up to speed pretty gosh darn fast there, Kurt! Congrats on the promotion...I take my hat off to you! (Although I think I'll pass on taking a crap in it.)

Jules said...

No wonder they keep asking me to be on committees! That's the same thing as being promoted, right? No?! Hmmmm....

Congrats on the promotion!

Prosy said...

Ok, ignoring the fact that you give me heterosexual boners ALL THE TIME, the weirdest thing here is that this is the second time today I have seen something about this monkey paw business.

miss. chief said...

remember when they used to make icebergs sit at the back of the bus?

Captain Dumbass said...

Throw that love raping bunny into some water with the turtle and see who's laughing and who's trying to scream under water.

Vic said...

Does your brain come equipped with a fog horn? It's only fair to warn people when a mass that size is heading their way.

Congratulations!! (Can I have a loan?)

Kristine said...

Did these unexpected boners have anything to do with your promotion? Tell me everything, you handsome bastard. (Or just make it up.)

Carolyn...Online said...

Well of course a giant yet slow turning brain like that gets promoted.

Miss Yvonne said...

I'm so confused by the concept of unexpected heterosexual boners that I can't even think of something witty to write here.

Wait!

Your mom sank the Titanic by taking it in the steerage.

mylittlebecky said...

MONKEY'S PAW!

Chelle said...

Trucker caps and sun visors. See, 'cause they don't have a top. They're like REAL toilets.

Soda and Candy said...

Heh, boners.

Congrats on the promotion! I hope you bought some celebratory Pop Tarts!

Cynthia said...

It's not always a good thing when cops get a hard on for you.

Just sayin.

HappyHourSue said...

I don't like the sound of this whole "promotion" thing. It better not make your posts shorter and shorter til you're all:

"Your mom is racist.
Hugs not drugs,
Kurt."