Look. I appreciate that you've never been away from home and that it's lucky you can even identify a quarter (It IS the big one!) given how much you smell like someone that a racist group like the KKK or Greenpeace or whatever tried to light on fire, but after dousing you with some horrible accelerant, got bored and some of them wandered off feeling very disillusioned and like it was time for racial unity or whale unity or whatever, but a couple die-hards decided to hang around and just pee on you instead. Seriously. Can I get a contact buzz from day old tequila fumes? Can a human being smell MORE like a multi-cat litter box that is filled with old sponges and and left-over sauerkraut?
But back to my point. Go sit over there. I'm afraid your stupid might be the virulent kind and I haven't had shots since that one time the doctor came at me with a needle and I shouted "Diplomatic Immunity!" and then tried to put the sphygmomanometer* over his face but the cuff wasn't big enough but at least the Velcro got stuck in his hair plugs, so my plan sorta worked. Now I just have to be extra careful around rusty things. I got your tetanus booster right here! (Grabs wang and makes a "honk! honk!" sound).
Where was I? Oh yes. You're stupid. Also you're too young to be a freshman, because I remember my first freshman year at college and I was pretty much all man and not a kid at all, except for the still being a virgin part. That was not quite all man. But fear not because I got drunk and made bad choices soon after and on top of getting rid of my virginity I had the bonus challenge of trying to get rid of crab lice**.
You too will be making bad choices soon enough. Like as I watch you load all your colored clothes into that dryer and then measure out a big cup of new All-color Cheer© and pour it over them. I'm not sure what your plan is, but maybe you are onto something. Maybe there is a shortcut here I don't know about. Also I'm not sure if that bong you just accidentally added to your whites should be washed on "delicate" or "permanent press". It did have a cool dragon sticker on it...maybe "brights". Good thing used bong-water smells like sunshine and not like ass-gravy from a hobo with only a cursory awareness that he keeps crapping his pants. Mmmmm! Bong-water fresh!
Another pitfall you should be aware of is I hate you, and your fraternity and if you're going to insist on calling every thick-necked mongoloid football player who walks in the door "Brah." I'm going to hit you in the face with a dash of Snuggle© and scream "Sic Semper Tyrannis!" and then "Excelsior!" and then "Where's the Beef?!" for comic relief. And maybe it won't blind you, but it will make your eyes downy-soft and that's pretty much the greatest gift of all. You're welcome.
Hugs Not Drugs,
PS: That nausea you're feeling is what we call a hangover. Usually you want to avoid looking at infinity spinning things when you are in this state. But I see that you are the brave sort who is unafraid to throw up in the utility sink. Bully for you!
PPS: Hey Kid! You wanna get smarter? Go read my article on Mama Pop! That fixes everything!*I pretty much look for a reason to use this word every day of my life. Because even though everyone knows it's a blood pressure cuff and it totally does not make me smart to use it, I FEEL like I'm smarter. And it's very important to be in touch with your feelings, like happy or sad or burrito or Chips Ahoy! or drunk.
** This is untrue. I never had crabs. One of my roommates did though. We made him a commemorative t-shirt that was sensitive as only 20-something year old men in college can be. I think we rhymed "Bitchin' " with "Itchin' " or something equally clever.