Monday, September 21, 2009

Open Letter To Some Dumb Kid

Dear Kid at the Laundromat,

Look. I appreciate that you've never been away from home and that it's lucky you can even identify a quarter (It IS the big one!) given how much you smell like someone that a racist group like the KKK or Greenpeace or whatever tried to light on fire, but after dousing you with some horrible accelerant, got bored and some of them wandered off feeling very disillusioned and like it was time for racial unity or whale unity or whatever, but a couple die-hards decided to hang around and just pee on you instead. Seriously. Can I get a contact buzz from day old tequila fumes? Can a human being smell MORE like a multi-cat litter box that is filled with old sponges and and left-over sauerkraut?

But back to my point. Go sit over there. I'm afraid your stupid might be the virulent kind and I haven't had shots since that one time the doctor came at me with a needle and I shouted "Diplomatic Immunity!" and then tried to put the sphygmomanometer* over his face but the cuff wasn't big enough but at least the Velcro got stuck in his hair plugs, so my plan sorta worked. Now I just have to be extra careful around rusty things. I got your tetanus booster right here! (Grabs wang and makes a "honk! honk!" sound).

Where was I? Oh yes. You're stupid. Also you're too young to be a freshman, because I remember my first freshman year at college and I was pretty much all man and not a kid at all, except for the still being a virgin part. That was not quite all man. But fear not because I got drunk and made bad choices soon after and on top of getting rid of my virginity I had the bonus challenge of trying to get rid of crab lice**.

You too will be making bad choices soon enough. Like as I watch you load all your colored clothes into that dryer and then measure out a big cup of new All-color Cheer© and pour it over them. I'm not sure what your plan is, but maybe you are onto something. Maybe there is a shortcut here I don't know about. Also I'm not sure if that bong you just accidentally added to your whites should be washed on "delicate" or "permanent press". It did have a cool dragon sticker on it...maybe "brights". Good thing used bong-water smells like sunshine and not like ass-gravy from a hobo with only a cursory awareness that he keeps crapping his pants. Mmmmm! Bong-water fresh!

Another pitfall you should be aware of is I hate you, and your fraternity and if you're going to insist on calling every thick-necked mongoloid football player who walks in the door "Brah." I'm going to hit you in the face with a dash of Snuggle© and scream "Sic Semper Tyrannis!" and then "Excelsior!" and then "Where's the Beef?!" for comic relief. And maybe it won't blind you, but it will make your eyes downy-soft and that's pretty much the greatest gift of all. You're welcome.

Hugs Not Drugs,


PS: That nausea you're feeling is what we call a hangover. Usually you want to avoid looking at infinity spinning things when you are in this state. But I see that you are the brave sort who is unafraid to throw up in the utility sink. Bully for you!

PPS: Hey Kid! You wanna get smarter? Go read my article on Mama Pop! That fixes everything!

*I pretty much look for a reason to use this word every day of my life. Because even though everyone knows it's a blood pressure cuff and it totally does not make me smart to use it, I FEEL like I'm smarter. And it's very important to be in touch with your feelings, like happy or sad or burrito or Chips Ahoy! or drunk.

** This is untrue. I never had crabs. One of my roommates did though. We made him a commemorative t-shirt that was sensitive as only 20-something year old men in college can be. I think we rhymed "Bitchin' " with "Itchin' " or something equally clever.


The Vegetable Assassin said...

Well. Screw pepper spray, I'm changing my methods to ousting criminals who encroach on my personal space with a swift dash of Snuggle©! That's kickass.

I'm with you though. When I was a student I'm pretty damn sure I was perfect and not at all like those snotty nosed ingrates today. That's my story and I'm sticking to it like a skidmark.

Soda and Candy said...

And you wanted to get between this guy and cleaning products?

For shame!

HappyHourSue said...

How did u figure out how to do the "©"? because I don't know how- i just swiped it from TVA's comment up there and now it's in pergatory between "copy" and "paste" and unless the next blog i visit needs an answer that involves copyright, I'll lose it forever. These are the things I worry about.

Awesome post as usual.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

The quarter IS the big one. That's a good way to remember it. Better than how I do it: big with ridges, small with ridges, big no ridges, small no ridges.

Small no ridges for your thoughts, Kurt? *chin on fist*

Vic said...

Is 'brah' the east coast version of 'bro'? With a Marley twist? Out here all the 'bro's hang out in the desert on their ATV's and forget to go to college because of the head trauma.

I think vomit is what those utility sinks are put in for.

The Jules said...

Washing his bong?

Maybe he's just trying to get clean.

Mona Lott said...

Wait. He put the detergent on the cloths IN THE DRYER? Did that really happen?

He must be there on a full scholarship.

Captain Dumbass said...

Virulent stupidity? That is beautiful. Can I use it? I'll include your trademark in conversation if I have too even though it may take away from the tone I'm trying to set.

Lulu said...

I'm going to 'benchmark share' the term diplomatic immunity the next time that...well...anyone asks me to pretty much do anything. Is that trademarked?

CatLadyLarew said...

Congrats on the use of the word sphygmomanometer... and extra points for the creative use of said object. I'm going to go wash my bong now.

miss. chief said...

how come everyone is hating on students today, brah?

Kurt said...

@VA: I also use Bounce© sheets as ether rags. They don't work as well.

@Soda: well, I wasn't going to be IN him.

@HappyHourSue: It's "Alt+0169" on a PC, to make the copyright symbol.And it's "Kurt+ anything" to make a sex symbol.

@Becks: Th best part of that system is getting to say "big with ridges" all the time and then see who snickers first.

@Vic: "Brah" is assholese for "Hey muscular guy who gets all the bimbos"

@The Jules: Really. MUST you be clever ALL the time?

@Mona: That really happened. He is probably getting a free ride from the Competetive Huffing team.

@Cap'n D: What's mine is yours. Sorry about the Herpes.

@Lulu: Only if the "Lethal Weapon II" people catch you using it.

@CatLadyLarew: Thanks. I get sleepy from typing long words so that was an extra challenge.

@miss.chief: You're an advanced student. You don't count in the dissin', Bruh.