Tuesday, September 29, 2009

An Open Letter to Autumn

Okay, Autumn. We need to talk. I thought you were supposed to come in like a lion and out like a lamb or something and I was just starting to enjoy the persistent sweating of summer when POW! here you come all arrogant and raining on my life and stuck up and showing off your new TV line-up. I don't need this kind of pressure. I was all content with being non-reflective about the course of my life. Just flitting from one sexy party with bikini model super-agents to the next. Never worrying that my life is actually progressing temporally in any way. Never focusing on the way my driver's license was expiring or that maybe that class reunion I just went to was my twenty year reunion and that totally doesn't necessarily mean I'm twenty years older because maybe I graduated early because of how smart I am. You don't know, Autumn. Maybe I'm twenty years wiser and you should just shut the fuck up. Did you ever think of that? Of course not. And it totally doesn't mean I'm getting older just because I need to take a nap after work, so why don't you just take your grey skies and cram them up your ass.

But no. You have to be all "Look at my Leaves!!!" You big show-off. Why do you have to be that way Autumn? Didn't your Dad pay enough attention to you as a child? We're you like the middle child or something? Why do you have to rub my nose in things? No one likes a bragger, Autumn. No one. You're like that kid who always raises his hand in class and has all the answers but nobody will date him because he wears his Quiet Riot iron-on decal shirt like three days a week and has big brown glasses and totally is into D&D. D&D can be sexy, you miserable season. Ask all the girls I never met but I'm sure who are out there. D&D pretty much makes girls panties explode and that's why we played all the time, not because our own social skills revolved around quoting Monty Python and making jokes about math. Things change, Autumn. That's your whole point isn't it? You Effing Jerk.

Oh sure. Some people are all "The leaves are so pretty. Let's have a harvest festival." Well those people come from the kind of broken homes where supportive parents who encourage their kids to accept the passage of time with some type of dignity. But the other word for that is incest. I know I read that somewhere or maybe I just made it up but you get my point. Answer me this. If I was so freaked out about getting old would I spend so much time seeking the approval of random strangers on the Internet instead of forming lasting relationships with actually people existing in the real world? If I wasn't coping with turning 40 in a couple years, would I be comfortable sitting at home and drinking Brandy Alexanders with imaginary voices in my head all day. Hardly. I would kindly ask that you please shut the fuck up now. I think you can pick up what I'm laying down.

I have to go, the new CSI is about to come on.

17 comments:

Ed Adams said...

I dated a girl named Autumn. Our love was a serious free Fall. We couldn't leaf each other alone. Although the relationship was colorful, it eventually passed.

Chelle said...

My cousin, Heather, insisted that everyone at our family reunion call her Autumn. Now she has a gigantic dog and a husband who eats pig faces. See where Autumn gets you?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I dated a guy named Winter. He used to slap me on the forehead with his cock when I fell asleep watching tv. Snowman.

Miss Yvonne said...

You should move to the south. Autumn doesn't have as much power down here. Autumn is totally Summer's bitch in Texas. Summer is all "Hey Autumn!" and Autumn is all "What's up?" and Summer is all "Fuck you. That's what's up." and then it's 90 degrees until November 15.

Soda and Candy said...

Autumn = a metric shit-ton of leaves deposited in our yard every hour on the hour.

Conclusion: Autumn is a jerk.

Captain Dumbass said...

Fuckin Autumn.

Pina said...

It happened here too. All summery and sweet like an ice cream cone, and there it was, that douche nozzle Autumn. No warning, no sorry for the inconvience, oh and by the way, how bout a nice big rainstorm for your birthday? Right into the leaking window of your car. Sound good? All right.
Douche Season.

The Jules said...

Sunny yesterday, drizzling today, bit cold, then warm, then cold again.

Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness my arse.

Kristine said...

Brandy Alexander.
It's a good song.
Not as good as my incestuous childhood, however. Because, let me tell you, I fucking LOVE the Fall.

miss. chief said...

yeah, exactly. it started raining and BEING FREEEEEZING when i was wearing SHORTS yesterday for the love of ... like, helloooo autumn, how about a little warning?

HappyHourSue said...

Huh. Autumn always reminds ME of cheerleading at the highschool football games and watching my boyfriend play. Then he and his friends would celebrate with a game of D&D. Am I remembering that wrong?

Spot said...

I live in the midwest and Autumn just showed up and started showing her true colors. This weekend there's an "Apple Festival" and I'm going to go and try to start a support group for all those other incest survivors. Because while I don't remember the incest, since I love Fall it must have happened. Right?! Wow. And I don't think I'm ever calling my parents again. Ever. Because, I mean, how could they let that happen. Geez...

♥Spot

Mona Lott said...

Awe, c'mon! Autumn is rad, it's that shit head Winter ya gotta worry about. Don't kill the messenger, he has powers of invisibility!

Amy said...

I love Autumn. My husband and I fell in love in October, so the smell of fallen leaves smells like falling in love to me (I know...gag). I especially love the fall line up of new shows and new episodes of old shows. Sorry you're so bitter. It must be hard being so damn handsome.

Shaggs said...

I'm in Australia and its spring here.....

richard said...

Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Autumns.

Kurt said...

@Ed Adams: I am so punching you in the groin right now. Well-played, Sir.

@Chelle: I once had a random comeback. Espresso! My cat eats pickles. HAHAHAHA!!

@Becks: Love! Exciting and new!

@Miss Yvonne: I'll take autumn over ball sweat like 60% of the time.

@Soda: Autumn is totally racist against grass. Dick.

@Cap'n D: Viva Being Concise!

@The Jules: Who wrote that? I want to dig them up and feed their remains to Rosie O'Donnell.

@Kristine: I'm sorry you're whole life is a tragedy, apparently.

@miss.chief: And Autumn was all "Nice Gams, Hot Stuff!!" because it totally objectifies women like EVERY DAY.

@HHSue:It reminds me of my time as a cheerleader too. Except it was just one really drunken night and I woke up with my skirt over my head in a pile of leaves. Stupid Homecoming dare.

@Spot:Get to therapy. You are totally repressing something. Also, welcome!

@Mona: Killing the messenger is a good idea because they are RIGHT THERE. and you don't have to get up.

@Amy: Rotting vegatation reminds me of my marriage too. (wakka-wakka-wakka!!)

@Shaggs: I'm in New York, whipping you off.

@Richard: I will seriously eat your face.