Saturday, September 5, 2009



I wrote this for Mama Pop, but someone else had already written about it, so here's a treat just for YOU!

Every once in a while a film comes along with a title that is just so awesome that I don't even care what it's about. It could be about people who sit around all day not talking and if you call it something good then there's like a 1000% chance I'm going to be all up in the EmEffer. The Men Who Stare At Goats is one such movie. And I know what you're thinking... Men Who Stare At Goats are probably dangerous bestiality types and it's a movie about dark carnal knowledge of farm animals. But it isn't. It's a supposedly true story about America's Psychic Spy program. What was that sound? Was that your mind being blown? I thought so.

The film, which is based on the awesome book by Jon Ronson, stars Ewan McGregor and Danny Ocean and the serial killer from Se7en and The Dude from The Big Lebowski and yes I know what they're names really are, but I thought it was more fun that way and more like an interactive game for you, so welcome to my theater of the mind! (*cue spacey music (Get it? Kevin Spacey!)*) All that punctuation just made me tired. I think I better lie down.

Any way, it turns out that the government had a whole big program for real that was training soldiers to try and kill people with their minds and I don't know about you, but if God ever sat me down for my performance review and asked me to list three goals for the coming year they would be 1) Be a Better Person 2) Make A Difference in My Children's' lives 3) Learn to kill people using my mind. Because that is the definition of awesome and also a nearly victimless crime, if you don't count the victim. And why should you count them? I mean...they're already dead. What are you? A crooked politician? Lighten up, Tammany Hall! That's right..I just compared you to a historical political machination from the early 19th century. What of it? Someone had to say it.

Also, The Men Who Stare At Goats features "More Than A Feeling" by Boston prominently in the trailer so I think we can all agree that stadium rock is due for a revival because there aren't enough "just another bands out of Boston on the road tryin' to make ends meat." anymore and instead we have the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus and other Disney-spawned hell beasts and I wish someone would come along and stab my ears with a fork because that is just soul-crushing. Oh...that fork thing...that's not true...please no one stab me anywhere with a fork.

Where was I?

Oh right... the trailer. Here. Watch this:

See? Goats fix everything.


CatLadyLarew said...

What happens if a woman stares at a goat? I'm definitely going to go see this fine film so I can increase my psychic capacity.

Just LD said...

This movie sounds awesome. I've been on a losing streak lately, so maybe this'll break the chain...

Mobius said...

I totally thought the same thing even before I saw the trailer... I must see for the title alone... then the whole Boston thing sealed the deal.

Soda and Candy said...

This looks so good. Like potentially Burn After Reading good.

HappyHourSue said...

Why, why, why aren't there more movies like this. This looks Raising Arizona-good.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Leftovers? You hurt this articles feelings, Kurt.

Men Who Stare at Goats? More like Women Who Stare at Men Who Stare at Goats! Cause Rawr!! Hawt!! *licks finger and sizzles on butt*

(I'm literally bouncing with glee at having just this moment rediscovered that finger licking butt sizzle gesture.)

Miss Yvonne said...

What the hell is "ends meat"? Because it doesn't sound like the part of an animal I want to be eating. Just wondering.

The Grammar Police

P.S. Why yes, I AM a big hit at parties. Why do you ask?

The Jules said...

A whole film about unnerving goats?

Count me in!

King of New York Hacks said...

Thats a Glengarry Glenn Ross worthy cast , so looking forward to this one....haven't looked forward to a movie all year !!!

Mona Lott said...

I burn to see this.

It might also burn a little because Boston really IS so much better than What's Hot... And that's just... I need a moment.

Kurt said...

@CatLady: When women stare at goats, goats think they are being hit on and totally try to by the ladies a drink, and then the woman is all "I was looking at my friend behind you. Get Bent, mouthbreather." Except to a goat.

@Just LD: The world's losing streak ended on the day I was born.

@Mobius: I have "more than a feeling" this will be awesome. HAHAHAHAHA! Sorry.

@Soda: Maybe even "Adventures in Babysitting" good.

@HappyHourSue: How is this movie getting multiple Coen Brothers comparisons? Is it the Clooney?

@Becks: That's the best move there is. If I ever see that in a bar for real, and not just imagined it, I would totally go for the lady in question and she'd dig me, instead of having me thrown out and saying she was reaching for her wallet. And it was a guy.

@Miss Yvonne: True Story: I NEVER put together that "end's meat" was actually "ends meet". Like "where ends meet." That makes a lot more sense. I laughed my ass off over how dumb I am.

@Jules: Yeah. Goats need to be knocked off their high horse. Wait. What?

@KONYH: Welcome! It does look, as the kids say "rad".

@Mona: Boston is awesome. Like terrible. But awesome.