Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Kids

I wrote this earlier this summer and never posted it because I was a perfectionist, but guess what?! I've given up all hopes of quality! SO you WIN!! Enjoy!!:

Boy! A lot of Celebrities sure are dying!!

Ugh! Kids! Having them home for the summer sure can be trying!

I give up. I was pretty much creatively bankrupt to begin with, but with it being summer and there's a billion kids up in my grill all day, yo...it's getting super tough to be brilliant day in and day out because how can you be brilliant when all your time is spent making sandwiches? I don't know what the hell is wrong with these kids but every five seconds somebody needs a sandwich. It's like they have tapes worms only HAHAHHAHA! not the funny kind. The kind that makes you assemble food in stacks.

"Why sandwiches?" you might ask.

My guess is because they are annoying and my children are trying to kill me. I should mail a package to my friend at the paper containing all the documentation necessary to convict them in the event that something should happen to me. I should keep a list of all the sandwiches I've had to make in a safety deposit box and then hide the key, and when Haley Jo Osment and the ghost of Bruce Willis come to solve my death POW! Those kids are going to fucking jail. And don't give me any of that crap about them being minors, because they've never even lifted a pick-ax in their lives. HAHAHAHA! Get it! Miners?! Let the record show it's awesome being this clever.
On top of making sandwiches, the other thing the kids are good at is fighting with each other and that is especially awesome because God hates me and has made it rain for the last infinity days so we're all trapped in the house, and I'm not saying I'm going to hurt anyone but all the sudden I find myself relating to The Shining a lot more than I should and that's too bad because I'm going to hate to have to kill Scatman Crothers, because he has such a cool scratchy voice and also he was on Scooby-Doo back when they did those episodes that featured weird famous people like Jerry Reed and The Harlem Globetrotters.
I'm not even sure where all these kids came from. I thought I just had the two...but I'm really blowing through bread over here.

14 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

All sandwiches and no porntime makes Kurt a something something boy.

I honestly can't remember how that line goes. An angry boy? A growly boy? Grrr.

All not-being-allowed-to-kill-your-kids and no private sensual self-love time makes Kurt a......dad? *warm smile* Didn't expect that, did you? I should write for Hallmark.

Captain Dumbass said...

Gah! The constant fighting! It doesn't even matter if it's sunny or rainy. It's like fingernails on my brain except that that doesn't really work since your brain doesn't have any pain receptors but 'chalkboard' just didn't sum it all up for me.

*twitch*

CatLadyLarew said...

Sandwiches? Sandwiches? You mean you're supposed to FEED your kids? I still say kids should come with directions.

Maelstrom said...

Great, now *I* want a sandwich.

miss. chief said...

yah or they're all "what should i dooooo?" and you're like wtf kid just leave me alone for a couple hours, how the hell should i know what you want. tgiS -thank goodness it's september

Miss Yvonne said...

When they become teenagers, they invite their friends over and make sandwiches with THREE pieces of bread and so you're all "What the eff, I just bought bread yesterday and we're already out?" all summer long.

They also eat all your chips, but not until you go to bed and then you wake up the next day and bam...no chips. Stupid jerky kids.

Vic said...

My kids both hate sandwiches. I'm pretty sure they're not really human. It's great when you pack them a lunch and they have no sandwich because they refuse to even carry one, let alone eat one, and the other kids feel sorry for them and give them snacks from their lunch.

Mona Lott said...

Hahahaha! But that's all over now!!! Those adorable little sandwich eaters are BACK TO SCHOOL!!!! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha!

*post traumatic sandwich making syndrome*

Soda and Candy said...

I can't wait to have sandwiches, I mean kids, I mean sandwiches.

FrankandMary said...

I thought of a few tie-ins for blowing bread, but I decided I have no right to encroach on any of this. It's too YOU, for an add-on. ~Mary

Carolyn...Online said...

Summer and sandwiches and spawn all suck. As for me...it's the Kraft Mac and Cheese that is the bane of my existence.

Cynthia said...

That was so weird when those guest stars were on Scooby Doo. And remember how sometimes on Sesame Street there'd be like Frank Sinatra or Barbara Streisand doing a little number with the Cookie Monster? In fact I can remember my Mom stopping to watch with me because Diana Ross was on there singing with Bert and Ernie. They must have had the same agent or soemthing.

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: Aww. I totally didn't expect that. It was like opening a box labelled "dead kitten" and finding a LIVE kitten inside. In this scenario I like kittens.

@Cap'n D: The twitch stops if you soak it in whisky.

@CatLady: Yeah. They're real fussbudgets like that.

@Maelstrom: I'm not makingit. Unless you want a "Peanut butter and Shut the Fuck up". Those are my speciality.

@miss.chief: I wish this was Harry Potter. Because sending them away until Christmas WOULD be magic.

@Miss Yvonne: I was that teeneager. I made a whole loaf worth of Fluffernutters one time. Fluffernutters should be a dirty word. (Peanut Butter and Marshmallow for the uninitiated)

@Vic: Thanks, Other Kids! What a cheap solution to lunchtime!

@Mona: Mine don't go back until the 9th. Stupid Teachers Who hate Me.

@Soda: I can't wait to eat kids. No. Wait. I can't wait to have sex with sandwiches. No. Wait.

@Mary: You can Add-on anytime. I was thinking of putting in a pool here actually.

@Carolyn: Mine are old enough to make their own, or at least call 911 if there is a burn emergency.

@Cynthia: Actually I heard the Muppets have QUITE a casting couch. That would explain why I think Streisand is such a whore.

Ms. Case said...

I was literally just debating on making myself a sandwich. Peanut Butter and Honey.

I changed my mind.