Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Don't Be A Prick

I just want it known ahead of time that I, for one, am all in favor of hilarious traps. Like when I tell the cops I haven't been drinking when they pull me over for swerving too much and then I take a breathalyzer and it comes back clean and they let me go...hahahaha! Too bad there's not an LSD-alyzer! Now let's see if I can't get up to 88 miles an hour and go back in time.

See? Hilarious!

But when the trap is sprung on me, I definitely think that it is less funny, and really not very obvious and I totally only fell for it so I don't hurt their delicate little kid feelings and I'm pretty sure I qualify for sainthood. It sure was lucky The Boy is as quick as he is though, because if I had caught him it would have been less holy and more "holy shit am I going to kill you". They gets all uptight and racist against potential saint candidates who kill their children in a fit of rage. Hey don't hate the playa...hate the kid of the playa who can't run fast enough.

What happened is this: They dumped a box of pushpins on the floor of my bedroom and then, instead of cleaning them up, they just turned off the lights and closed the door. TADA! Clean! That is pretty much the best cleaning plan ever and they were probably like "Wow! We cleaned that spill up so fast! We must be marksmen. (Ed. - They're just kids so they don't know what "marksmen" means. Heh. Let's keep laughing at them!) Dad will be so proud of us that he'll probably take his shoes off and walk in the room to inspect our thoroughness. He'll be so proud! Now let's go eat bees, because Dad never told us not to!"

So then my feet began to play a deadly game of cat-and-mouse with all the pins on the carpet and it was like watching the Bourne Identity only Matt Damon is my foot (They have about the same acting range! Zing!) and the pins are that weird French assassin with the messenger bag and the carpet is Belgium, because Belgium always seems a little more carpety than the rest of Europe. And the spot under my computer desk would be Brussels because that where most of the pins were living...only now it's Tokyo and my foot is Godzilla, (who is also as talented as Matt Damon. Double Zing! Hi-ya!) and guess what little tiny Asian pin-man? You just got stepped on and now Godzilla is freaking out, and swearing and threatening to sell his kids to the Internet.

Moral: Godzilla is a real dick when he steps on pointy people who should have been cleaned up instead of hidden


Soda and Candy said...

Sorry for teaching your kids how to clean...

: )

Maelstrom said...

Then did you use your atomic breath weapon?

Prosy said...

Its not too late to introduce spanking

Mona Lott said...

That's weird. My foot is totally Mila Jovovich.

HappyHourSue said...

I'm instigating a new term"ALOL" for Actually Laughing Out Loud" because LOL is so overused and mostly a liar.

I am ALOL. "hate the kid of the playa who can't run fast enough": possibly the greatest line ever.

mylittlebecky said...

dude. your kid? equals genius. i'm cleaning my ENTIRE apartment when i get home! yessss.

ps i call inventing a LSD-alyzer! patent pending!

Vic said...

Everyone know that a house is always cleaner in the dark. It's like Housecleaning 101.

That's why I'm taking all the lightbulbs out of our lamps. My house'll be spotless, and I can take a nap!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I hope they never come out with a donut-alyzer, because it's hard to put donuts in your mouth when you're wearing handcuffs.

I. just. blew. your. fucking. mind.

CatLadyLarew said...

Kids? Push-pins? Those shouldn't be in the same sentence, let alone in the same room.

Kurt said...

@Soda: That's okay. I have learned to just close my eyes and imagine them eating dinner. It all works out fair in the end.

@Maelstrom: No. But I did try to step on Matthew Broderick.

@Prosy: I always feel awkward when you flirt with me.

@Mona: That's weird. Now I want to have sex with your foot. HAHAHAHA! Not really. Feet are gross.

@Sue: Oh YOU!

@MyLittleBecky: They already have an LSD-alyzer. It's called "The Strobe light."

@Vic: Heh. I just covered all my windows with blankets and started wearing dark sunglasses.

@Becks: I think "fucking." is the shortest sentence in the Bible to. I may not be 100% on that though.

@CatLady: I know. But it's that or let them play in the torture dungeon. And I can't afford the insurance premiums or to waste the safe words.