So I was totally due for that promotion at my job because it's been a month and I've shown up pretty much every day except for a couple times when I had been out real late the night before solving crimes, or making witty remarks in a tuxedo, or drinking Sloe Gin Fizzes by myself and crying, and I'm only getting more handsome, which may seem impossible because that's like saying "I think the sun is getting brighter" or "I think the ocean is getting oceanier." or "I think your mom is getting sluttier." but it's all true. I mean the handsome part. Not the ocean part. I don't know how that would get oceanier. Maybe if we added some more fish and sea monsters and pirates. But if there were more pirates than pretty soon everyone on the sea would be either a pirate or a victim. Because that's how it goes with pirates. You can't just be indifferent when it comes to pirates. Unless you don't mind get a hook jammed into your skull. Than you can be just as indifferent as you damn-well please.
And I know most people wouldn't consider working harder for more hours for the same amount of money a promotion, but I do because when the boss offered it to me he smiled and said something like "we can always find someone else if you aren't willing to do it" and then he cracked his knuckles and made threatening eyes at me, so voila! Promotion! And it was right then that I could have stood up on the desk and yelled "Freedom!!" like Braveheart and then maybe "You can't handle the truth!!" or "Wolverines!!" out of respect for the late great Patrick Swayze, but instead I just took a sip of coffee and nodded because I had decided that the best way to protest this development was through peaceful resistance. So later, when he was at lunch I took a crap in his recycle bin. We shall overcome.
So now I have to get to work an hour earlier and that kinda sucks because something something daylight savings time and also because I need to get my beauty rest because if my looks go I don't know how I will ever secure the nickname "The Silver Fox" as is my plan. It's all in my manifesto. I'd let you read it but there's a part in there about my last big jewel heist and I don't want to leave to many clues for the fuzz.