Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Advanced Sarcasm

I just invented a new kind of sarcasm because I've been trying all the normal kinds and my coworkers weren't getting it. And I tried to make it obvious I was being sarcastic all over them by making big wide eyes after I said something snarky...you know...the kind that says "You should probably think about what I just said because maybe at first glance it sounded nice, but if you really think about it, I'm calling you a moron." But these people seem as immune to big eyes clues as they are to indifferent dismissive shrugging, and I don't know about you, but people who are deaf to body language messages freak me out, because what if they are sociopaths or sexual predators or like love talking about The Hills or something?

So I've tried switching up a little, and now when I say something sarcastic I say it really slow like a turntable at the wrong speed or like they are differently-abled, which is how I'm supposed to say "retarded" now that they've taken that word and made it all poisonous and racist and PETA hates it or whatever, and they still just look at me funny but sometimes they get it and make faces and I've also taken to adding an insult at the end, as like a big sarcasm hint so now I'm saying things like "Yeah. Iiiii thhhhiiinnkkk ttthhaaatt ssssounnddss grrrreaaat, motherfucker."

And at first I think they thought I was have a seizure because one guy stuck his wallet in my mouth, but now they just look at me, and sniff my coffee and then shrug and walk away. So it's a sort-of victory. But all-in-all...that's like the dumbest expression ever. Why did I just use that? (Niiiiccceee jjjobbbb, KKKKurrrrtttt. Asshole.)

I don't think they are getting it still, so I'm going to change tactics again and go so sarcastic that time reverses itself and flowers wilt and women get the vapors and I don't mean that like it's secret code for menstruating. I mean it like they'll swoon and fall back onto divans which appear out of thin air, I guess. I don't know. Women's bodies and what happens to them when they get the vapors are two big scary puzzles to me. Like if a Rubik's Cube was handcuffed to a landmine and you had to solve it and if your hands drop below 60 miles an hour they explode.

Anyway(s), my sarcasm will peel paint. And how I'm going to work it is, I'm going to be so sarcastic that only I know I'm doing it and they'll just think I'm polite. Here's a sample that happened this morning:

Me: Hi, Doris. How are you today? (Hahaaha. Get ready. Here it comes!!)
Doris: I'm fine thanks, you gorgeous hunk of man*. How are you?
Me: I'm doing good. A little tired maybe. (Buurrrrrn!!)
Doris: Oh that's too bad. Are you having trouble sleeping?
Me: Yeah. I got this new pillow and it smells like semen. (Zing!)
Doris: Uh....I...Oh...
Me: HAHAHAHA! Just kidding! It smells like pussy and salsa, but that makes total sense. Trust me. (Take that!!)
Doris: I...I think I better go back to work.
Me: Sounds like a good plan because everyone here thinks you're lazy. (So much subtlety!!!)
Doris: Wait. What?
Me: Also, you wear bad shoes and your breath smells like a natural gas leak times a million. (Pew!Pew!Pew.!!)
Doris: You're a real asshole, Kurt. You know that?
Me: There's no need to be sarcastic. Sheesh! (Double secret sarcasm! Vicious!)

I know. You must be so jealous of my brain right now. I am. I totally wish I was as smart as me.

*She only thought this. But I can always tell when someone thinks I'm handsome because they need only be awake and looking at me.


Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Try my patented sarcastic start-slow-and-get-faster armpit farts. Maybe stand up on a table like Sally Field did in that movie while you do it, and yell...something. I don't remember what she yelled. No matter, just yell something really subtle and sarcastic, like "Your moms! *armpit fart* Your moms!" or "Nice work everyone! *armpit fart* NOT!!"

HAHAHAHA!!! "NOT!!" I love "NOT!!" It erases whatever you just said. It's like pulling the feelings rug out from under them. Not! Not! (Double not negative, rendering what I just said before that as true. I pulled out the feelings rug, then put it back again. Advanced Not.)

Soda and Candy said...

Hahahahahahhahahhahaha, I'm going to try this asap.

Fuuuuuunny pooooooooost, Kuuuuuuuuuurt. Sheep-shagger.

hahaha, yep, it's great.

HappyHourSue said...

My favorite thing in this post is that that "pew-pew-pew" is a label at the end. Those googlebots are gonna be streaming the pew-pew-pew traffic right at ya.

Logical Libby said...

I am actually thinking of getting botox just so that my sarcasm is that much more fabulous.

Miss Yvonne said...

I just tried using this tactic at my work. My boss was all "How's that project I gave you going?" and I was all "I'm almost done" and he was all "Fantastic!" and I was all "Yeah, once it's finished I'm going to kill you in your sleep" and he was all "Excuse me?" and I was all "Relax, it's called sarcasm, stupid".

Now I have to go to a meeting in HR. I'm pretty sure they're giving me some kind of sarcasm award or something.

Mona Lott said...

I'm swooning already.

Mona Lott said...

With the vapors, that is.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I believe I'd actually pay to witness that conversation with Doris, especially the pussy/salsa line. I'm not paying her resulting hospital bill though after she keels over in horror and almost dies. Although it would be sweet if she said, "But Kurt, honey, I didn't know you HAD a cat?"

erin said...

Jeremiah always accuses me of being sarcastic...then he'll be hurt by something I say and I'll tell him I was being sarcastic and then HE WON'T BELIEVE ME.

What should I do about this?

CatLadyLarew said...

How soon can they get the divan delivered to your workplace? I think someone may need to swoon soon.

Spot said...

Hahaha! This is the first post of yours that I've read. Good stuff.

Don't feel bad. No one except my family gets sarcasm in the small town we live near. I used to work at a bookstore and when people would be all like "this is a gift. I don't really ever read" I'd look at them with the wide eyes (total sacasm clue) and say "did you really just admit that in publice?!" and they'd be all "what?". Then again...that may explain why I don't work there anymore. Hmmm...


Captain Dumbass said...

I got the vapors just reading this, but I'm not swooning.
Heh heh.

*waves hand in front of face*

The Peach Tart said...

I adore your sarcastic wit. I come from a family that never got my sarcasm so blogging and blogs like yours have been a godsend

adrienne said...

holy crap

that was good

Aria said...

Keep writing like that, and I'll even call you stud in front of my gun-toting-Texan husband! That was from my arsenal of Advanced Compliments.

ps. Happy Hour Sue sent me over, so you owe her like massive amounts of alcohol, cause I'm adding you to my Incredibly Famous *inmymind* blogroll. Your Welcome

miss. chief said...

i love those divans that just appear as if from nowhere. but really we just keep it up our dresses, what with the corsets and bustles and whatnot etcetera

Piece o' Coconut Cake said...

Hmmmm...I've always found that a big "TA-DA!" followed by hand waving seems to help catch the sarcasm.

Jules said...

I totally get your sarcasm. That lady is just stupid.

The Jules said...

I always do a subtle "That was sarcasm, that was" dance after my comment. It involves hopping from foot to foot whilst pointing both fingers in the shooty-shooty position, and then waggling them at the sarcasmee's cheeks.

As you say, it is often wasted on those who are insenstive to body language though.

otherworldlyone said...

Don't know why this is my first visit, but it definitely won't be my last.

Motherfucker. Ha. Priceless.

I know that reads like sarcasm, but it's totally not.

Cynthia said...

You know what I've brought back in to my life? The term "A-hole". It works because it sounds so immature that it's essentially harmless. But saying asshole will get you in trouble, especially like when you are snack Mom or talking to your boss.