I just invented a new kind of sarcasm because I've been trying all the normal kinds and my coworkers weren't getting it. And I tried to make it obvious I was being sarcastic all over them by making big wide eyes after I said something snarky...you know...the kind that says "You should probably think about what I just said because maybe at first glance it sounded nice, but if you really think about it, I'm calling you a moron." But these people seem as immune to big eyes clues as they are to indifferent dismissive shrugging, and I don't know about you, but people who are deaf to body language messages freak me out, because what if they are sociopaths or sexual predators or like love talking about The Hills or something?
So I've tried switching up a little, and now when I say something sarcastic I say it really slow like a turntable at the wrong speed or like they are differently-abled, which is how I'm supposed to say "retarded" now that they've taken that word and made it all poisonous and racist and PETA hates it or whatever, and they still just look at me funny but sometimes they get it and make faces and I've also taken to adding an insult at the end, as like a big sarcasm hint so now I'm saying things like "Yeah. Iiiii thhhhiiinnkkk ttthhaaatt ssssounnddss grrrreaaat, motherfucker."
And at first I think they thought I was have a seizure because one guy stuck his wallet in my mouth, but now they just look at me, and sniff my coffee and then shrug and walk away. So it's a sort-of victory. But all-in-all...that's like the dumbest expression ever. Why did I just use that? (Niiiiccceee jjjobbbb, KKKKurrrrtttt. Asshole.)
I don't think they are getting it still, so I'm going to change tactics again and go so sarcastic that time reverses itself and flowers wilt and women get the vapors and I don't mean that like it's secret code for menstruating. I mean it like they'll swoon and fall back onto divans which appear out of thin air, I guess. I don't know. Women's bodies and what happens to them when they get the vapors are two big scary puzzles to me. Like if a Rubik's Cube was handcuffed to a landmine and you had to solve it and if your hands drop below 60 miles an hour they explode.
Anyway(s), my sarcasm will peel paint. And how I'm going to work it is, I'm going to be so sarcastic that only I know I'm doing it and they'll just think I'm polite. Here's a sample that happened this morning:
Me: Hi, Doris. How are you today? (Hahaaha. Get ready. Here it comes!!)
Doris: I'm fine thanks, you gorgeous hunk of man*. How are you?
Me: I'm doing good. A little tired maybe. (Buurrrrrn!!)
Doris: Oh that's too bad. Are you having trouble sleeping?
Me: Yeah. I got this new pillow and it smells like semen. (Zing!)
Me: HAHAHAHA! Just kidding! It smells like pussy and salsa, but that makes total sense. Trust me. (Take that!!)
Doris: I...I think I better go back to work.
Me: Sounds like a good plan because everyone here thinks you're lazy. (So much subtlety!!!)
Doris: Wait. What?
Me: Also, you wear bad shoes and your breath smells like a natural gas leak times a million. (Pew!Pew!Pew.!!)
Doris: You're a real asshole, Kurt. You know that?
Me: There's no need to be sarcastic. Sheesh! (Double secret sarcasm! Vicious!)
I know. You must be so jealous of my brain right now. I am. I totally wish I was as smart as me.
*She only thought this. But I can always tell when someone thinks I'm handsome because they need only be awake and looking at me.