So the kids are getting ready to go back to school and by "getting ready" I mean I wake them up at 4am every day before I go to work and tell them how many days it's going to be until school starts and then I blow an airhorn and do a victory lap and I can tell they are super-excited about it because they cry and that's the same reaction I get when I sleep with a woman so it must be excitement. Quid Pro Quo or whatever. Your witness. Carpe Diem.
I can't believe I actually started a post about my kids. It's like they're real almost, huh? I'm pretty much a master storyteller like Doug Henning only without all the illusions and gayness and bad mustache and maybe tigers if he got the permits in on time, but the whole tiger scene has been a drag since Roy had his head eaten and one tiny tiger attack later the whole city of Las Vegas gets racist against big cats.
If I got to work with tigers my whole focus would be on training them not to spook when I fire the cannons, that way...later...when I'm planning my revenge...I can shoot tigers at people out of cannons. That'll fuck 'em up. One minute they'd be all "Oh shit! A cannonball is going to kill me!" and the next minute a slightly singed and highly pissed off 800 lb killing machine is eating their face. And I don't mean your mom. (*slide whistle*)
Another possible scenario for revenge involving tigers is dressing them up like people and then air dropping them out of the back of a plane with decorative streamers fluttering out behind, and all my enemies would look up and be all "Oooo! A Skydiving show!" and then maybe a few minutes later they'd be all " Wow! Those are oddly shaped people. Those jumpsuits make their feet look like paws!" and then a right before the carnage began they'd be all "That guy needs a shave!" and then tigers would be disemboweling everyone. Win/Win.
Allow me to apologize in advance for wasting your time with this. I really haven't slept in a few days and that's like being on mad Peyotes or smoking Cheebas or huffing tabasco sauce or whatever kids do these days, Yo. I added the "yo" because whenever you use the phrase "kids do these days" you sound old and uncool, when in reality you are young and super-cool and maybe more than a little bit handsome. So just add "yo". It's like garlic. You can never have too much. Unless you're a vampire*. Sprinkle it all over your conversations is my point, Yo.
Hey! Did you remember that I write for Mama Pop? Well, that's okay. I don't blame you. And by "I don't blame you" I mean "I totally blame you, Jerkface." You should go there now maybe and read this awesome article** I wrote on Monday. I have a new one coming out at noon today too, so you can go back a bunch of times, and I know maybe it seems like I'm trying to dictate what you do with your day, but really I only have my best interests at heart. I think we can all agree THAT is the greatest love of all.
*I don't know if "yo" kills vampires. I didn't mean to imply that.What? Don't get all stuck up.
** I hastily selected the text when making this link. It's an "article" not just an "ar". You're so literal. Fucking Pirate.