Friday, August 21, 2009

Yeah. You Maybe Should Skip This One. (Not Really)

So the kids are getting ready to go back to school and by "getting ready" I mean I wake them up at 4am every day before I go to work and tell them how many days it's going to be until school starts and then I blow an airhorn and do a victory lap and I can tell they are super-excited about it because they cry and that's the same reaction I get when I sleep with a woman so it must be excitement. Quid Pro Quo or whatever. Your witness. Carpe Diem.

I can't believe I actually started a post about my kids. It's like they're real almost, huh? I'm pretty much a master storyteller like Doug Henning only without all the illusions and gayness and bad mustache and maybe tigers if he got the permits in on time, but the whole tiger scene has been a drag since Roy had his head eaten and one tiny tiger attack later the whole city of Las Vegas gets racist against big cats.

If I got to work with tigers my whole focus would be on training them not to spook when I fire the cannons, that way...later...when I'm planning my revenge...I can shoot tigers at people out of cannons. That'll fuck 'em up. One minute they'd be all "Oh shit! A cannonball is going to kill me!" and the next minute a slightly singed and highly pissed off 800 lb killing machine is eating their face. And I don't mean your mom. (*slide whistle*)

Another possible scenario for revenge involving tigers is dressing them up like people and then air dropping them out of the back of a plane with decorative streamers fluttering out behind, and all my enemies would look up and be all "Oooo! A Skydiving show!" and then maybe a few minutes later they'd be all " Wow! Those are oddly shaped people. Those jumpsuits make their feet look like paws!" and then a right before the carnage began they'd be all "That guy needs a shave!" and then tigers would be disemboweling everyone. Win/Win.

Allow me to apologize in advance for wasting your time with this. I really haven't slept in a few days and that's like being on mad Peyotes or smoking Cheebas or huffing tabasco sauce or whatever kids do these days, Yo. I added the "yo" because whenever you use the phrase "kids do these days" you sound old and uncool, when in reality you are young and super-cool and maybe more than a little bit handsome. So just add "yo". It's like garlic. You can never have too much. Unless you're a vampire*. Sprinkle it all over your conversations is my point, Yo.

Hey! Did you remember that I write for Mama Pop? Well, that's okay. I don't blame you. And by "I don't blame you" I mean "I totally blame you, Jerkface." You should go there now maybe and read this awesome article** I wrote on Monday. I have a new one coming out at noon today too, so you can go back a bunch of times, and I know maybe it seems like I'm trying to dictate what you do with your day, but really I only have my best interests at heart. I think we can all agree THAT is the greatest love of all.

*I don't know if "yo" kills vampires. I didn't mean to imply that.What? Don't get all stuck up.

** I hastily selected the text when making this link. It's an "article" not just an "ar". You're so literal. Fucking Pirate.


miss. chief said...


erin said...

Yo totally handles rampaging vampires...or calm ones as well...
Or that weird dude that always hung all over you in high school that you ran into at the library the other day who started to hit on you even though you had all your kids with you...Yo works in scenarios like that too.

razorsandvines said...

"That guy needs a shave!"

laughs right out loud

The Jules said...

That's one definitive, decisive article you did there.

I'm definitely going to possibly watch the fillum.

Just A Girl said...

Why am I just now reading your blog (and by just now I mean since Monday)? Because you're kind of maybe the funniest man blogger I know. I realize there are only like, 3 male bloggers but still. You're number 1 of them.

I'm gonna give you one of SMUK's awards. One with Hitler.

Kurt said...

@miss.chief: Only one of MY enemies would have the where-with-all to type a note while dying. That's why my foes seem impossibly tough.

@erin: You could be all "I can see your wang, yo." and when he checks to see if his barndoor is open you can throw one of the kids at him and make a break for it.

@razors: Had you just laughed out loud I might not have been impressed. but "right out"? I'm having a stroke from excitement.

@The Jules: I always think my opinions make me look fat.

@Just A Girl: Welcome. I do not hold you responsible for going back in time to enjoy my blog. But only because you're new.

Mandy's Kidding said...

You mean I have to click a link? And go somewhere else? That's like practically walking around the block!

Fine. I'll do it. Lord knows you'll pout otherwise, and we can't have that.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I wish yo could kill all the Twilight vampires. That would be funny. Maybe a little anticlimactic. Like that M Night Shyamalan movie where they find out at the end that water kills the aliens. I turned that movie off at that point, but I'm pretty sure what happened was that someone said, "Oh! Water! Duh! It was there all along!" and then Mel Gibson and Joachin Phoenix looked at the camera and shrugged put up their "who knew" arms and then the end credits from Growing Pains rolled. Sorry, I should have said Spoiler!! before all that.

Captain Dumbass said...

You should sell the parachuting tiger idea to Fox as a new reality show for the Fall. They could pre-tape the attacks and then pick the people who live the longest and have the audience follow along, guessing who will survive until the end. And of course they'll all be wrong because the tigers will kill everyone. I should be a fucking studio exec.

Soda and Candy said...

*sighs happily*

Tigers are the best. I wish I had one as a pet.

Miss Yvonne said...

I'm pretty sure Fox had a show about the tigers parachuting out of airplanes, but instead of tigers it was singers and instead of parachuting they were on a stage and Stacy Q or Paula Abdul or maybe it was Debbie Gibson was on there too. So what I'm saying is way to rip of Fox, Kurt.

Prosy said...

I'm glad to see you found your slide whistle.

Kurt said...

@Mandy: Me pouting is pretty much a force of nature.

@SMU, Kid: I like the part in that movie when Mel Gibson dies. Oh no wait... That was The Passion. And it wasn't Mel Gibson it was Wesley Snipes because he hijacked a plane with the president on it or something.

@Capn D: I think the fundamental joy of watching tigers eat douchebags would make this get the greenlight.

@Soda: Tigers make bad pets because have you ever seen them spray? It's like a effing garden hose. And who's gonna spay a tiger? A moron, that's who.

@Miss Yvonne: Fox still owes me big time for cancelling Arrested Development. I am part of the entitled public after all.

@Prosy: I don't even want to talk about where I found it. It rhymes with "the foilet"