Monday, August 24, 2009

Will You Still Need Me When I'm ...46?

Okay. I want a straight answer and I don't mean a "non-gay" answer because that's totally racist and I believe everyone has the right to give beejays regardless of race, or color, or creed, or inclination to enjoy dance music and America's Next Top Model. So I'm totally open-minded and pretty much your hero but luckily I'm humble. Like the humblest ever. If I ever got in a "humble-off" with Gandhi or Mother Theresa or someone else super-poor and thin I would CRUSH them.

My question remains however, so I guess I need to get around to asking it and it is this: "At what point does you dying stop being a tragedy?" and there's a good reason for me to ask this question and I will get into it in the next paragraph, but if you want to just hang out in this one for a while, that's cool. I mean I'm not really getting anywhere topic-wise, but you know...maybe you need to rest your brain for a minute. (*time passes*) Hey! Kittens! Kittens are so cute it's ridiculous!! Sigh. (*another awkward pause*) Really fucking cute...

Okay. Are we all rested up? And by "we" I mean "you" because I am always at the top of my game mentally as long as I don't run out of expired cat antidepressants that my brother sold me. The thing is, if you die in your thirties, everyone is all "Gasp! No! So young!" and if you die in your forties they're all "No way! Jesus! That's terrible" and if you die when your fifty-something people are all "What a tragedy." and in your sixties they go "He should have had more time. That's too bad." so they are definitely less mournful and less likely to gasp unless they know you and that's the shit I'm talking about. By the time you're eighty, their like "He had a nice long life. " and god forbid you live to be a hundred because then everyone hates you forever for living so long.

I know I do.

I want to find that age where people are gaspy and sad and saying "Oh my god NO!" and then tell people that's how old I am forever. That way when I kick it everyone will be sad and mourning like they should be and not relieved that I'm finally dead after a lifetime of genius adventures and sexy escapades involving guerilla can-can dancers with degrees in astro-physics and riding tigers through flaming buildings and escaping temples with diamonds the size of your face tucked into my bomber jacket. They'll just be like "God took him too soon." and "Why, Why WHY???" and "Jeez, He looks a little rough for being 46. The embalmer here must be on drugs! Let's get him!" and then they burn down the funeral home and I get to go out like a viking as I wished, except instead of a flaming longboat sailing off into the sunset, it's a funeral home going up in flames because I'm a big, fat liar.

Half a dozen of one, six of your mom.


Mona Lott said...

I think 46 is a pretty good bet. It still seems so youthy in a, "He was just getting to that point in life where he could really take time out to ENJOY the guerilla can-can dancers!" and not at all decrepid, and people would be like, "He was really just beginning to peek! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Yeah, I think the math is good on this one.

Mobius said...

Convo from last week..

"Walter Cronkite died... I can't believe it. I thought he would live forever."

Son... "How old was he?"

Me: "92"

Son: "Oh.. well that's alright then. He was old"

Moral: I will mourn you when you pass, regardless of the number. My son... won't.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

My Nana's 102. Now, people just look at her and shake their heads and go, "She's just so tired. You know? She just wants to sleep," which is also what they said about our cancer cat before they put her down. I'm keeping an eye on those nurses, boy. No *wink wink* extra morphene for MY Nana.

(Hear that Jesus?? Count it!!)

Soda and Candy said...

silly Kurt, everyone will be devastated no matter how old you are when you go, because the world will be so much less handsome!

I think I'd rather go before I need anything lifted or tucked.

Carolyn...Online said...

Dude you passed gasp at 12. I'm serious. Twelve.

Just A Girl said...

Fuck, TWELVE? Goddamn children stealing my fucking thunder. Probably because I say the f word like some people say "the" but some people are not as cool as me and I WILL NOT GASP when they die. Ever.

I don't know what I'm talking about but that might be because I'm dead and my reanimated corpse is typing and everyone knows corpses are stupid assholes.

Captain Dumbass said...


*tee hee hee*


miss. chief said...

i read this whole post twice but i keep getting distracted by kids running in the room and singing retarded songs to me so i guess you want to be mourned a lot when you die?
well i mean... the only way you will know for sure is if you stage your death and lie in the coffin and listen to see if anybody says "oh, he was so young" or "well it's about time"

so you should probably do that

Miss Yvonne said...

My Grandpa is 99 and I'm here to tell you that there isn't much to get excited or gaspy about at that age. You pretty much just sit around, bitching about politics and the weather and that asshole in the next room that's stealing your candy! When he goes, everyone will be all "Well I guess he won't have to see the Democrats run the country into the ground after all".

Mandy's Kidding said...

I think anything under 60 is gasp-inducing.

60 to 69 is a bummer.

And anything after 70 is sort of God's "I told you so."

TishTash said...

I'm going to stick with the kittens topic. Because death is sad especially when you find out that your family won't encase you in solid gold when you kick it and have your hometown display you in the main town square.


Kurt said...

@Mona: I'm glad you can get behind the science.

@Mobius: Yeah... Cronkite had it coming. It was like when George Burns finally died and everyone just sorta shrugged.

@SMU, Kid: Jesus likes it when you point out yourself doing good things. Saves a lot of paperwork, I bet.

@Soda:The loss to the world's "handsome" reserve WOULD be devastating.

@Carolyn: I think I deserve a gasp no matter what age because no one expects superheroes to die.

@JustAGirl: Reanimated corpses are NOT assholes and I hope they remember that I said that during the zombie apocalypse.

@Cap'n D: No. That's it.

Vic said...

You can still get the gasps, no matter how old you get. Just die spectacularly.

"Grampa was hit by a semi on the interstate??" *Gasp* "No!!!!"

So, that's an option to mull over.

Kurt said...

@miss chief: The panic such a stunt would cause negates the reward

@Miss Yvonne: Sounds like he but the "cool" in "old coot"

@Mandy: 69 is never a bummer. HAHAHAHAHHA!!

@TishTash: Families can be so stuck up like that.Mine won't even build a 1/2 scale pyramid. And THAT'S even in my will!

@Vic: I forgot about the violent death option. That's a good point. Although it takes a lot more effort to die violently than to just lie your ass off, to be fair.

Cynthia said...

I'm glad I went back to read this one. I got my morning giggle out of it. When you crush Ghandi at the humble-off :)

I promise to be very very sad when you die. Would you like us all to blog about it? Or would that just make things worse? Well, not for you I guess. You're already dead. No offense.