Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Theory Of Relativistic Stupidity with Regard to Acoustical Volume

I have come to the realization that dumb people are louder than regular people and this is why they seem to be everywhere and more intimidating and probably why the audience on Jerry Springer was always so noisy and the reason I think this is because the guy behind me in line today was shouting about how he had to water his flowers today even though it might rain and that's because his son didn't do it last night like he asked him to because he had a date with that blond girl from over on Sunny Crescent and when I turned to shoot him a passive-aggressive withering look, I realized he had been talking to the Tic-Tac display and not to a real person.

And then there was a woman at the Chinese restaurant I was at over the weekend who bought her son a t-shirt for his birthday because she asked everyone to not get him toys* but they didn't listen and bought him toys anyway(s), and isn't that just the way it goes HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! and the t-shirt she bought him was one that said "Lil Bruiser" and yep! That's Calin! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

And then I looked down at my General Tsao's Chicken and wondered who the Eff General Tsao even was, and what kind of military genius do you have to be to not have a brilliant military strategy named after you, or not have a monument in your honor for preventing the invading Hun armies from ravishing the people of [Chinese Word] Province, but instead you have a spicy chicken dish named after you. What did he conquer? Was he an a-hole and this is like a big joke all the cool generals played on him? I feel bad for General Tsao, is my point. But not as bad as I feel for Calin, who has a lifetime of neglect-related injuries in front of him because his mom is apparently part howler monkey. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I think these people, who seem to be everywhere, are under the misguided belief that loud equals smart and I'd just like to point out that Einstein wasn't known for shouting his presumptions about the General Theory of Relativity out of a car window at people walking down the street and honking the horn and Neils Bohr was in the backseat pressing ham and barking laughter and Heisenberg didn't discover his groundbreaking 'Uncertainty Principle" and then walk around in circles making armpit farts and singing the theorem to the tune of "Oh Susannah". They all had quiet dignity and that's how you can tell I'm also a genius because my real name is Kurt Quiet Dignity [German Word] .

Except Sir Isaac Newton. That fucking guy never shut up.


*Any parent who tells people to not get their kid toys and to buy them clothes instead for their birthday ought to be dragged out into the street and forced to have a garage sale where all they can sell is old kids clothes and they have to diligently put "25 cents" stickers on each and every article because that's important and then there should be a sudden thuderstorm and they should get struck by lightning.

17 comments:

Mona Lott said...

It's taking every bit of restraint I have, to NOT tell you all about General Tso Tsungtang.

*armpit fart*

MonsteRawr said...

Not only do I always get my niece toys instead of the nice books my sister-in-law requests, but I get the loudest one I can find with as many small parts as possible.
For her 5th birthday, she's getting a St Bernard puppy.

Kristine said...

You're pretty much brilliant. And I'm not even saying that because you're really good at those passive-aggressive withering looks, either (though, it helps.)

If blogs existed "backintheday", Einstein would have had like fifty.

Mandy's Kidding said...

I'll never forget the matching flannel shortie nightgowns my stepmother got my sister and I for christmas one year. They had matching flannel panties that showed.

We were like 7 and 12 so it was way age-inappropriate.

Then there was the christmas she bought me a red velvet dress with white lace trim. Mind you I was a dirty-haired tomboy who wore boys jeans, nikes and my softball jersey.

I held it up like it was dirty diaper.

"Will you wear it?" she asked, excited.

"Um, sure," I said, not wanting to be rude.

Just A Girl said...

I like getting clothes because that's just me but I definitely also had lots of other shit. Like one of those kid sized fake kitchens with a plastic coffee pot and plastic burners and plastic food. I mean, it was basically all plastic, but it was sweet.

I wonder if I could still buy one of those...

I typed that SUPER LOUDLY.

Richard said...

Yeah, it's depressing. Stupid people are everywhere.

Alaine said...

My mother actually asked my family and friends to only purchase clothes for one of my birthdays. I played the brat card and at every piece of clothing I opened, diligently (and as sarcastic as a six year old can muster) said, "Oh, good, more clothes." and dropped them all balled up into a pile without even looking at them.

My mother never did that again.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

The loud/stupid correlation is clear. It gets tricky with quiet ones. People were always back and forth with me...should we stick her in special ed? Or is she a genius? Should we hold her back or should she skip a grade? What I'm saying is that sometimes there's a fine line between stupid and genius and maybe TicTac guy deserves a second chance because sometimes a broken Snorks pencil box or a TicTac display is your only friend in the world and you shouldn't just "label" him because he doesn't "fit" your idea of what
"normal" is or because he doesn't "reply" when you "ask him what my name is" or sometimes he "pretends to be an apple" or "pees her pants because she's too shy to ask for a hall pass" or whatever. Just, you know, keep an open mind.

I go crunch when you bite into me because that's how apples say ouch! AHAHAHAAAHA!!! (Yep, Stiiiiillll got it.)

Soda and Candy said...

Why on earth would you ask everyone not to buy your kid toys? Is he the red-headed stepchild or something??

Miss Yvonne said...

Someone once tried to tell me about this same theory, but I was talking about how my cat likes to drag his butt on my furniture so I couldn't hear what they were saying to me.

miss. chief said...

this is what the bus sounds like every day:

SO THE COPS STILL HAVE MY PANTS BUT AT LEAST SHE'S DROPPING THE RAPE CHARGES. YEAH DUDE IT TOTALLY BLOWS

HELLO? JER-BEAR? HI HUNNY DOODLE SMOOPIEKINS, I'M ON THE BUS TALKING ON MY TELEPHONE!! YAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OMG I LOVE KITTIES!

WOAH, DO YOU SEE THOSE TRACERS? WHY'D WE TAKE SO MUCH ACID AND GET ON THIS BUS? I JUST CUT MY OWN HAIR

(beer cans roll around by my feet for some reason which is weird because i don't remember having any beer)
DUDE, JUSTIN IS PASSED OUT! AAH HE JUST PUKED IN HIS OWN LAP! IT'S SO FUNNY HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

LIKE OMG THAT GUY WHO IS PASSED OUT IS SOOOOOOO CUTE GIGGLEGIGGLEGIGGLE

(seventeen babies start crying at once)

*fin*

Ms. Salti said...

Good point. Dumb = Loud. I think there's also a direct correleation with the amount of alcohol consumed. More drunk = Loud... hmmmm....

Captain Dumbass said...

I've never heard of General Tsao's outside of the US. Do you think the Chinese have a chicken dish called General Schwartenager?

Prosy said...

OMG I'm really loud...shit does that mean I'm stupid? Dammit, it probably does. Well, I can't say it comes as a shock.

Kurt said...

@Mona: He's the one that lost to Colonel Sanders at the Battle of Chicken River, right?

@MonsterRawr: For his fifth birthday I got my nephew a 9mm. Some might call that irresponsible, but I'd make him pop a cap in their ass if they did.

@Kristine: I bet Einstein would write about kittens all the time.

@Mandy: 12 year olds in flannel jammies. Time for a cold shower, maybe.

@JustAGirl: Clothes for Christmas = I have a vagina.

@Richard: I know you have many theories about their origins. The Big Bang Theory of Stupid, if you will.

@Alaine: My grandma did the same thing to me, and I pulled the same stunt. She showed me though. Later that year she died.

@SMU,Apple: I think anyone who pretends to be fruit gets a pass on the "stupid" moniker. How many stupid apples do YOU know? Exactly.

@Soda: Maybe they already have toomany and are all spoiled or something. The best way to check is to throw them into a pond. If they sink then they were ripe. Oh no wait...that's apples again.

@Miss Yvonne: I liked the part with the cat's butt.

@miss.chief: There are no lessons that can't be learned on public transportation. Except dignity. That one's a stretch.

@Ms.Salti: More Drunk = More likely to sleep with me = dumb.

@Cap'n D: I think they have a chicken dish called "cat"

@Prosy: No. It just means I think you are. (Not really.) I should put a smiley emoticon after that. Where's that button?

Carolyn...Online said...

Really anyone who gives kids clothes as a present should be locked in the room with them after they've been fed cake and coke and pop rocks and given authentic sounding light sabers.

The Jules said...

Reminds me of that Simpsons episode when the Mayor asks his aide if people are getting "stupider or just louder?" and the reply is "Both, sir."

I often answer shouting idiots with "Saying it louder doesn't make it so." but I say it really loudly so I win.