Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Social Commentary: Sex Jokes in the Workplace

I've decided that there comes an age when double entendre jokes stop being funny and I don't mean telling them... I mean hearing them. Like when two strippers girls at a fancy pony show start arguing over who has a looser vagina, and then they start tickle fighting and maybe almost frenching and it's super-funny and pretty much the apex of humor in the whole world because of the obvious social commentary they are making with regard to gender roles. And they are totally brushing nipples to do it. Win/win . But it's only funny because they are young and they are nubile and they know how to work the pole crowd up into a frenzy when their pony wins the ribbon for "Fanciest Trot" or whatever. That's fine. If that kind of joking around was warfare it would be happy warfare like jousting and knights and maidens faire* with big racks who sensually touch each other. Okay...I don't actually know that there was ever a war like that but on paper it's awesome.

What happened today at work was then, using the same analogy, like field-amputating a million lepers and making them club each other to death with their own freshly cut-off limbs while a stadium full of mimes pretends to cheer and everyone who is vegetarian is force-fed hot dogs until their stomach linings burst. I am also not sure a war was ever fought like that, or where you would even get a million lepers anymore, or what size stadium you would need, but the point is.. Yucky! And what happened was this. A lady in her 50s who smells like my Dad's jacket used to after a night at the bowling alley, and smokes like a squillion cigarettes everyday and looks kinda like Jack Palance only more so, made a joke about needing to get "screwed" because the machine she was working on needed some hardware. And while all the other 50-somethings were dying of laughter because HEY! That was a fucking genius bit of comedy!, I was dying of sadness because I was thinking about making that same joke even as she said it, only in my mind mind it was witty and clever and everyone thought the new kid was a "charming rascal" now instead of an dirty old pervert who smells like the inside of a fire damage sale in a wig shop.

Which makes me wonder if people in their twenties hear me talking my humorous sexytalk** and think "EW! Like..Grody to the max!" or whatever they say now, because I am no longer a possibility for Effing because I'm older and decrepiter and sure maybe super-handsome, but still... I think about it and I wonder who would think I was funny and who would feel repulsed and then I remembered that it was exactly this sort of thinking that made me invent that survey last year that got me fired from my old job, because certain stuck up secretaries didn't like the question "If your anus had a G-spot would you let me find it for you (T or F)." And sure maybe we all think it's funny, but sexual harrassment is no laughing matter and if you don't believe me just ask all the plantiffs in my class-action lawsuit.

Heh. I said "action".

Moral: You are older and less funny than you think and even if you do think telling someone they have a loose vagina is funny, they might not and they might be carrying a taser and you should've probably covered your nuts.

*I spelled this the classy way so you would know it was in the good old days where there were no laws against having sex with animals but it was still totally frowned upon. Sort of.

**NO examples of this are forthcoming because you don't have to tell ME three times.


TrodoMcCracken said...

I agree, you are old and less funny then you think. And that's coming from a twenty-somethinger. But I still enjoyed this post.

Mandy's Kidding said...

My boyfriend has teenaged and early twenty-something children and I am certain the thought of their dad having sex is totally grody to the max. Or whatever it is they say.

Char said...

i think my nephew yelled the other day in the car "i'm not having this conversation with my mother and aunt in the car."

CatLadyLarew said...

As a 50-something woman, I will happily leave the Sex Jokes in the Workplace to you. You are the master, after all, and you're right about it sounding downright creepy coming from a 50-ish Jack Palance look-a-like who reeks of cigarettes & your dad's jacket... even if it was a fairly clever thing to say.

Prosy said...

Kurt, you forget that you are a man and men only get sexier as they get least until they are in their 70's, so you are in the clear for a while. Look at Clooney! And we know you could top him.
Haha I said 'top him,' get it?

Mona Lott said...

Isn't it just MORE fun when they don't like it? You know it is, gramps!

Soda and Candy said...

Prosy's right except for I would like to add the rider "as long as you still have all your hair or at least shave it of Jason Statham style".

I had this same kind of moment a few years ago when I saw a hot boy in what I thought was a suit jacket and then it turned out to be a high-school-uniform blazer. *incipient pedophilia shudder*

Soda and Candy said...

I mean "shave it OFF Jason Statham style."

Also, I said "rider". Heh.

miss. chief said...

when i was your age, loose vaginas were funny!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Actually, I think you are younger and more funny than you think. I'm pretty sure I am, at least.

Also, the expression today is "That's off the hizook!" or "Your momma's so somethin somethin, she somethin McDonalds somethin sit around the house...Oreos..." *sigh* I don't know, pal. *shakes head* I just don't know anymore.

Vic said...

We have an awesome calculator at my house that I will loan you if you need to graph "a squillion".

A cigarette histogram. A bar graph of lepers. Whatever you want.
Your Palance-alicious co-worker sounds extra sexy.

(I think they say "Disgustamundo!" now. Pretty sure.)

Carolyn...Online said...

I just want to crawl in your head for a sec like in Being John Malkovich and see where that war scene with the lepers came from. Just for one sec.

Kurt said...

@Trodo: It's a good thing 20-somethings aren't fully developed humans yet, or my feelings might be hurt.

@Mandy: That's totally what they say.

@Char: Heh. That's why kids NEED porn.

@CatLady: I'm not saying I'm opposed to thinking about re-animated corpses having sex, but I'm opposed to re-animated corpses TALKING about having sex at work. The difference is subtle...but important.

@Prosy: You better hope I don't get sexier as I get older...the sexy gravity would collapse me in on myself making a black hole of hotness and destroying the Earth.

@Mona: (*shakes fist from porch*)

@Soda: *incipient pedophilia shudder* is how I keep warm in the winter.

@miss.chief: They are the Benny Hill of sagging body parts...that's for sure.

@SMU, Kid: You have mad street cred, yo.

@Vic: Thank you for the lesson in modern teenage parlance. I WAS just going to keep saying "gnarly" until someone punched me.

@Carolyn: Please wear a hazmat suit if you go in there. I don't want to deal with the liability.

That Baldy Fella said...

It's a fine line between banter and sexual harrassment. I know one of them involves keeping your pants on but I haven't worked out which yet (maybe the lawsuit will clear that up).

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

I don't know about you but when I look back at my 20 something self, I thought I was cool and everything I thought was right and anyone older than 30 was ancient and, really, what did it matter what they thought, they are at death's door. Of course, they made the video about jizzing in your pants about young farts for a reason. Just saying.

Miss Yvonne said...

Don't let Trodo make you feel bad. She's so young, she's practically a fetus. It's a proven fact that men hit their sexual and hilarious prime at 40-ish.