Thursday, August 13, 2009

An Open Letter to My New Workmate

Dear New CoWorker,

Hi. I know we just met and you've been here for infinity years and I'm just the new dumb guy but that doesn't mean you get to be an a-hole because guess what? POW! I'm the biggest a-hole who ever was! I put the "ass" in "asshole"... I think that's how the saying goes. I'd look it up but these stupid work computers don't let you have any fun or porn, and what do I care what the news is or what the stock market is doing? Unless women are mysterious exploding into a cascade of million dollar bills when you give them an orgasm, I totally don't care what the news is. That would be news worth hearing about is my point, because I am an excellent media pundit even though I don't write as much anymore. I still think all the time. It's like a lion who sees a wounded gazelle and eats it. Only in this metaphor my brain is the lion and thinking is the gazelle. No wait. My mind is the gazelle, and knowledge is the lion. Shit. My metaphors are rusty.

So anyway(s), New Coworker...I really hate the music that you listen to because it is "soft rock with less talk" and Billy Joel may be the Piano Man, and Elton John may be the Rocket Man, but you are the "Can't Sing for Shit" Man and my ears are totally willing to give you a Blow-jay* if you stop raping them so hard. Also, I don't think you are aware of this but you are whistling the last bad song you just heard for like a half hour after and maybe the whistled rendition of "Islands in the Stream" sounds good to you, but to those of us who aren't stabbing you yet it sounds like someone sawing the legs off a parrot. I have it on good authority that's not a good thing. If Martha Stewart was releasing a magazine about the best things to saw the legs off of, parrots would end up on the editing room floor. And for the record, I have no idea if magazines have an editing room, but also for the record, watch me do this yoga pose! I'm so flexy!

In conclusion, Disco should be allowed to be dead despite the weird wave of toe tapping it inspires in you and other members of the very white populace of this workplace and also you should know that I voted for the "Muslim in Chief" and that the stupider you are the better I look, so right now I pretty much just bought this entire company and am smoking 100 dollar bills like they were your mom's vagina. Shit. My metaphors are rusty.

Hugs and Kisses,
Kurt


* I'm not sure how this would even work, because if my ears had a mouth they would probably just want to eat pickles all day because of how funny they sound when they crunch and also blowjobs given by ears are notoriously half-hearted.

23 comments:

Courtney said...

I have a "can't sing for shit" woman and a "can't whistle for shit" guy at my place.... I'm gonna loose it on them one of these days...

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I put the "fun" in "cunt". Wait.

I put the "fun" in "fun cunt". Hmm no.

There's no "i" in "fun cunt team". Shit.

Soda and Candy said...

Oh god, people like that destroy your soul.

I guess it's a good thing that it's crappy rock "and less talk", because I have a feeling you reeeeaaaaally wouldn't like the "talk" this guy would listen to.

Mona Lott said...

He's the Olivia Newton John of co-workers!

I don't know what that means. See what happens when you leave?! Congrats on the job though!!!

kmoye said...

i just wanted to warn you about commenting on your blog about co-workers. i mean this chic at dooce(dot)com did that and she got fired. now she makes 40k a month off her fucking blog. i'd hate to see that happen to you.

Mama Dawg said...

I just hate a half hearted blow job. Well, I would if I was a guy. But I'm not....so....

Miss Yvonne said...

According to my husband, a half-hearted blowjob is better than no blowjob. Which is a good thing for him, because that's about the only kind I have the energy to give.

Also, isn't having an office job fun?? And by "fun" I mean "soul sucking".

Maelstrom said...

I'm glad you're not dead.

Kristine said...

Rusty metaphors are the best kind.

Also, that song is really good at raping. Contagious raping. Dangerous.

The Jules said...

Why do mean love blow jobs?

The peace and quiet.

Wow, that was awkward said...

This should teach you for getting a job. You should start building out your work area. Make a run to Home Depot and do your own remodel. Wire it up with a sound system, some movie screens and maybe a disco ball to somewhat appease your co-workers. Good luck.

Char said...

earphones people....earphones

Courtney said...

Miss Yvonne - Drinking out of your Penis Straw isn't the same as giving a blow job. Nice try.

Nikki said...

OMG Kurt got a job while I was on my blogger holiday! I'm so bummed I missed this important aspect of your life. I guess I can get over it though.

Harna said...

Stop reminding me about things that blow about having a job...you know like everything except the paycheck...I live in this fantasy where employment is amazing in every way since I've forgotten what it's really like.

miss. chief said...

ohhh somebody is fancy with his new job. ooh look at kurt, he earns money now.

p.s. that whole women-exploding-into-a-million-dollars thing would be awesome because ... something about not faking...
no wait...aagh

i forget where i was going with that

Ms. Salti said...

See what happens? I don't visit for a while and you start talking about your ears giving blow-jays. Nice.

Captain Dumbass said...

I can't WAIT to go back to work!

Vic said...

Work is awesome.

So are parrots. They're in my post too, only yours are better, because I want to send a leg-less parrot to someone now. It's so Godfather, with an island twist.

Just LD said...

This blog reminds me of that character Kristen Wig does on SNL...

"I love my job...just kidding...I hate my job...just kidding...there's a great singer there...just kidding...he burns my ears...just kidding..." I guess it's not funny unless you know the character I'm talking about.

Am I supposed to be exploding into cascading million dollar bills when I 'O'? Bummer. I only see a few ten spots peeking out from under the bed.

Just.Kate said...

I kind of laughed so hard I snorted and swallowed snot at the whole, "to those of us who aren't stabbing you yet it sounds like someone sawing the legs off a parrot."

P.S. @miss.chief- Seeing as how I'll never light a cigar with a $100, I might settle for exploding into millions.

Carolyn...Online said...

Wait a second who gave you a job? And how will this affect your blogging?

That Baldy Fella said...

The important thing to remember about work is to quite quickly locate the high vantage point that you'll be using to pick them all off with a high-powered rifle.