Dear New CoWorker,
Hi. I know we just met and you've been here for infinity years and I'm just the new dumb guy but that doesn't mean you get to be an a-hole because guess what? POW! I'm the biggest a-hole who ever was! I put the "ass" in "asshole"... I think that's how the saying goes. I'd look it up but these stupid work computers don't let you have any fun or porn, and what do I care what the news is or what the stock market is doing? Unless women are mysterious exploding into a cascade of million dollar bills when you give them an orgasm, I totally don't care what the news is. That would be news worth hearing about is my point, because I am an excellent media pundit even though I don't write as much anymore. I still think all the time. It's like a lion who sees a wounded gazelle and eats it. Only in this metaphor my brain is the lion and thinking is the gazelle. No wait. My mind is the gazelle, and knowledge is the lion. Shit. My metaphors are rusty.
So anyway(s), New Coworker...I really hate the music that you listen to because it is "soft rock with less talk" and Billy Joel may be the Piano Man, and Elton John may be the Rocket Man, but you are the "Can't Sing for Shit" Man and my ears are totally willing to give you a Blow-jay* if you stop raping them so hard. Also, I don't think you are aware of this but you are whistling the last bad song you just heard for like a half hour after and maybe the whistled rendition of "Islands in the Stream" sounds good to you, but to those of us who aren't stabbing you yet it sounds like someone sawing the legs off a parrot. I have it on good authority that's not a good thing. If Martha Stewart was releasing a magazine about the best things to saw the legs off of, parrots would end up on the editing room floor. And for the record, I have no idea if magazines have an editing room, but also for the record, watch me do this yoga pose! I'm so flexy!
In conclusion, Disco should be allowed to be dead despite the weird wave of toe tapping it inspires in you and other members of the very white populace of this workplace and also you should know that I voted for the "Muslim in Chief" and that the stupider you are the better I look, so right now I pretty much just bought this entire company and am smoking 100 dollar bills like they were your mom's vagina. Shit. My metaphors are rusty.
Hugs and Kisses,
* I'm not sure how this would even work, because if my ears had a mouth they would probably just want to eat pickles all day because of how funny they sound when they crunch and also blowjobs given by ears are notoriously half-hearted.