Tuesday, July 7, 2009

What I Did With My Summer Vacation

So I have been in absentia for the weekend, and that's Spanish for "Have a nice day" I think, because I am super-friendly and also because I really do want you to have a nice day. Stop looking at me like I'm being sarcastic! I'm totally not. Okay, I am...but still.

The reason I haven't been around is I've been on an amazing adventure filled with romance, and swashbuckling* and box-jellyfish which can totally kill you. I think death by jellyfish is about the dumbest way to die there is. It's not like they can grab you or anything. Just don't...you know...go near them. And Voila! You've escaped with your life. It would be way harder if they had arms or could get out of the water or had brains. My point is, jellyfish are an asshole but you should be able to thwart their plans because their plans are usually like "Float."

That's not very diabolical.

I didn't actually encounter any of these terrible animals but saw a documentary on them on the History Channel, so...same thing. And also, as part of my adventure I had to eat a lot of room service food and I don't know about you but eating a $12 bowl of Frosted Flakes© made me feel super-fancy and like I needed a monocle and a top hat and they should have been served to me by some english butler who looks like Anthony Hopkins, instead of the startlingly white-sounding latino gentleman who brought it to our door. I don't know if the flakes were covered in invisible gold or what, but they totally tasted normal.

I have a real issue with Frosted Flakes because they used to be a delicious kid cereal, but some ad executive decided "Hey! These don't have a TON of sugar in them! That's PRACTICALLY healthy!" so now instead of a friendly tiger bursting into my kitchenette** and telling me "They're GREAT!" All the commercials look like a Gatorade© spot and the kids are running around and Tony the Tiger is their coach and it's all about how Frosted Flakes© are a great and healthy way to start your day and no, never mind that they're FROSTED...totally healthy and the logo even looks like a sports drink logo so... Case closed! They're the new Wheaties© !Well I'm not buying in and if Archibald the Whitest Mexican had come back to collect the tray I would have told him so.

They're Grrrreat!

*"swashbuckling" in this case means not putting a towel down on the bathroom floor making it a serious slip-and-fall hazard and also jumping on the bed whilst shouting "Freedom!" like in Braveheart and "I'd fuck me!" like Jame Gumb from Silence of the Lambs.

** If a real tiger ever burst into my kitchenette, I would have to exact my revenge on it by just making sure I was hard to digest.


Kristine said...

Are you telling me you can afford room service? You've just lost your street cred.

Char said...

I solve the health problem of frosted flakes by adding sugar

Anna Russell said...

*goes to get Trodo to photoshop a pic of you with a monocle and a top hat eating Frosties*

Miss Yvonne said...

It rubs the Frosted Flakes on it's skin or it gets the hose again.

Mrs Jones said...

I would argue that the dumbest way to die is to be crushed by a giant 80 foot tall incense stick - http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/news/1998/11/15982

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Wasn't Archibald the Whitest Mexican Casper the Friendly Ghost's sidekick?

Arrrchibald, the whitest mexican, the whitest Mexican you knowwww....

Mona Lott said...

"Archibald the Whitest Mexican" Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha! Tell me that's really his name!

*I'm pretty sure that counts as swashbuckling.

Soda and Candy said...

A ridiculously poisonous animal that shouldn't be poisonous?

That's right, it's from Australia!

In your face, America.

Anna Russell said...

Kurt! Kurt! Kurt! Trodo totally did it. Check Facebook.
Kurt! Kurt! Kurt! Now! It's awesome!

Vic said...

My diabolical plan is "sleep", which is a lot like "float"- I think that makes me an honorary jellyfish.

Are you sure Archibald wasn't really that delightful Borat man in disguise? He's everywhere.

Cynthia said...

Remember when Smacks cereal was Sugar Smacks? But they took off the word sugar so now they are a lot healthier for you I guess.

Kurt said...

@Kristine: I was totally slumming it because they didn't even provide a special spoon for my grapefruit.

@Char: Sugar fixes everything. If they could just sugar coat the North Pole...POW! no more global warming.

@Anna: Trodo has done a fantastic job. Thanks for the suggestion. The letter bomb is in the mail.

@Miss Yvonne: I would totally rub Frosted Flakes on my skin. Think of the exfoliating power!

@Mrs. Jones: You could argue it, but thats let taking on Optimus Prime so Watch out!

@SMU, Kid: And then HAHAAHA! people would be scared falsely like with Casper. Only Archie works on Wall Street. So people are all "AAARGH!! A Mexican on Wall Street!" But those people are racist so Eff them...and besides he LOOKS white.

@Mona:I don't know what his nametag said because it was in Spanish and they have those upper wavy line things.

@Soda: Of course it is. Because everything from there is unneccesarily poisonous. That's why Yahoo Serious' career never took off.

@Vic: That Borat IS everywhere. I got asked if I wanted a shoe shine yesterday and I kicked the guy in the face just in case he was Sacha Baron Cohen.

@Cynthia: Well you can't argue with science.

Soda and Candy said...

Oh SNAP! You got me good.

Just.Kate said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Just.Kate said...

Out of all your jokes "Archibald the Whitest Mexican" made me laugh through my mouthful of runny ice cream. Now I'm a racist. Thanks a lot.

Harna said...

Whatever, I know you hang out in the ocean and wait for jellyfish to sting you then after it happens you run around on the beach yelling for someone to pee on you to get the sting out. While you're always hoping for a bikini model like the ones who hang out in your bed, it's usually just some hairy fat dude in an ill fitting Speedo that comes to your aid. Just keep trying. I'm sure one day your plan will work.