Tuesday, July 14, 2009

A Treatise on Sexy

So as part of my latest research project to benefit all of mankind, I've been asking my girlfriend, the crime-solving nymphomaniac gymnast, what is sexy. And the best way I know to ask these delicate questions is with a hand puppet because that way none of the embarrassing emotions get in the way and if she answers "No! That isn't sexy!" then the puppet bites her on the boob and I make muffled talking noises like the teacher on Charlie Brown and we all laugh! Except the puppet, because he is all boob-mouth. And my girlfriend because she thinks I'm a jackass. Okay...I'm the only one who laughs, but I think we can all agree that I totally count extra because of how handsome I am.

In the course of my studies I have come across a few things that are definitely not sexy and I thought I would share them because if nothing else I am a giver:

1) It is NOT sexy to compare a woman's body to any type of transport vehicle even if it is something awesome like an aircraft carrier or a tank. Even a race car...NOT sexy. They get totally stuck up because those are BIG things and it doesn't matter that you are just trying to say her new bikini wax makes her vagina look fast. Totally irrelevant. You can even say "Baby, your hooters* look like two magnificent zeppelins!" and you'll get mixed results. Also don't try to show her a picture of the Hindenburg on fire and be all "Look! Hot!" She'll probably realize your just trying to cover your ass and I guess the couch is an okay place to sleep.. HAHAHAHAHA! Get it? I'm sleeping on the couch like in a sitcom! Hysterical! That way I'm far away from her vagina! She's punishing me! (*slide whistle*)

2) Another thing that is not sexy is trying to squeeze into a corset if you are a man for hilarious effect when you get naked for the first time with a women you just met because all that does is give you a muffin-top AND and a muffin bottom and it looks like two stress reliever squish balls in a Chinese finger trap and even though it makes your breasts look big, watch out! Because Men aren't supposed to even have boobs and also there is nothing sexy about whole hams. I know that seems like it came out of nowhere...that ham part, I mean...but in the original writing of this post I had said "...two whole hams in a Chinese finger trap..." so it totally made sense and then I went on to say "...there is nothing sexy about whole hams. That's why the Jews don't eat them. It's in the Bible under "Things that aren't sexy." I think that's in chapter Beebowiticus or something." I'm a laff riot.

3) Another non-sexy thing is if you are making love to someone...in my case a beautiful siren from beyond the sea...or in your case a potato or someone drunk or your mom... it is best to not yell out "Wait for it....!" when you are getting close to the end part because it builds up too much sexy anticipation and maybe that sexy siren from beyond the sea doesn't appreciate you hollering like that in her broom closet before the bell releasing the students for the day sounds. And also maybe she is racist against orgasms or something because she totally ruined the moment by clapping an eraser in my face and whispering "Who's the teacher's pet now?" But don't worry about me because I was only kidding. That never happened. (*looks around*)

4) Slide whistles when you prematurely ejaculate, while funnier then I can even express based on my research of other people and not me because I can go for like a week, are not sexy. Same goes for "Aaa-ooga!" horns or throwing a handful of Poprocks© in or around the vaginal© area and screaming "Fourth of July! Fourth of July!"

Funny and sexy are tricky to match up is the moral of this story.

*I'm trying to bring back "hooters" as a way to say "boobs" because it's classier and doesn't carry around any of the stigma of "breasts" which sounds stuck-up and like something a refined English butler would say. I'm just keeping it real, yo.


Steam Me Up, Kid said...

What about a tiny little vehicle? Like a golf cart, or Ralph S. Mouse's motorcycle? I know I'D be flattered if you compared my body to Ralph S. Mouse's motorcycle. It's tiny, agile, goes vroom, has just enough room for a mouse, was invented by Beverly Cleary, and has bouncy boobs. Wait.

Pop and Ice said...

I read you and if I actually make it through an entire post, then I shake my head because I have no idea to comment. Just letting you know I'm reading, somewhat comprehending and your stream of consciousness blows me away.

Captain Dumbass said...

I'm going to go grab my wife's hooters and holler Aaa-ooga! That will make me laugh like hell until she knees me in the junk. Then I'll cry and blame it on you. Thanks a lot, Kurt. You suck.

Vic said...

Oh, man, muffin bottom. (shudder)

What about "funbags"? It's so whimsical and sounds like a carnival game. Perfect with slide whistle!

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: That mouse was a total whore, and in my experience women are iffy on whether or not they liked being called whores. That's always an exciting game to play!

Pop and Ice: Thanks for trying. That's what she said. (?)

@Capt D: That's so romantic you'll have to wear safety goggles from when her panties explode.

@Vic: "Funbags" sounds like a game from Whammo©. I can just picture being out on the lawn in the summer with a tall pitcher of Tea watching the kids scream and laugh and frolic as they play another round of Funbags©.

FrankandMary said...

My Butler boyfriend does call them breasts. Imagine. But he never says Yo. ;-0
You might just be crazy in all the right(which equals the wrong) ways. That is an art.

Mona Lott said...

Orgasm racists are the WORST!

Melons? Bazoombas? -I'm awfully fond of Tah-tahs.

miss. chief said...

ahh, the old "fourth of july vagina" trick. that's beautiful, man

(i'm tearing up over here)

Miss Yvonne said...

Didn't they test the vagina/poprocks theory on mythbusters?

The Jules said...

Do Poprocks and vaginas react in the same way as Mentos and diet Coke?

Also, vaginal© - lol.

CatLadyLarew said...

Wow, I'm impressed. You really know how to turn a girl on. It's making me all giddy just thinking about it... a manly man whispering those sweet nothings in my ear as he storms me with Pop Rocks.
I wonder how long you'll be sleeping on the couch?

JennyMac said...

I am going to laugh for a few more minutes on "two stress reliever squish balls in a Chinese finger trap"

Soda and Candy said...

Dude, how did I miss this post? Stupid non-updatey updatey thing.

If I read you correctly, and I think I do, you got laid, so congratulations on that!

sassystitcher said...

I've always been a fan of the "AAA-ooga" horn, but have not experienced it in this context (yet). A girl can dream though...a girl can dream.

Carolyn...Online said...

I so wish there was a book in the Bible for things that aren't sexy.

Nanodance said...

I discovered your blog just in time. Now I can just show Mr. Stinglash your treatise. It will save me having to have an awkward conversation with him.

It is almost as if you are spying on us or something. Weird.


Sondra Stinglash

Soda and Candy said...

Dude, are you alive?

Ms. Salti said...

Oh my God, you are absolutely nuts... and I love it!

finny_minky said...

you can't bring back 'hooters'. it brings to mind those ridiculous orange short wearing bimbo's serving overcooked chicken wings and flat beer to terribly pathetic perverts.

how about "bazooms?"