So as part of my latest research project to benefit all of mankind, I've been asking my girlfriend, the crime-solving nymphomaniac gymnast, what is sexy. And the best way I know to ask these delicate questions is with a hand puppet because that way none of the embarrassing emotions get in the way and if she answers "No! That isn't sexy!" then the puppet bites her on the boob and I make muffled talking noises like the teacher on Charlie Brown and we all laugh! Except the puppet, because he is all boob-mouth. And my girlfriend because she thinks I'm a jackass. Okay...I'm the only one who laughs, but I think we can all agree that I totally count extra because of how handsome I am.
In the course of my studies I have come across a few things that are definitely not sexy and I thought I would share them because if nothing else I am a giver:
1) It is NOT sexy to compare a woman's body to any type of transport vehicle even if it is something awesome like an aircraft carrier or a tank. Even a race car...NOT sexy. They get totally stuck up because those are BIG things and it doesn't matter that you are just trying to say her new bikini wax makes her vagina look fast. Totally irrelevant. You can even say "Baby, your hooters* look like two magnificent zeppelins!" and you'll get mixed results. Also don't try to show her a picture of the Hindenburg on fire and be all "Look! Hot!" She'll probably realize your just trying to cover your ass and I guess the couch is an okay place to sleep.. HAHAHAHAHA! Get it? I'm sleeping on the couch like in a sitcom! Hysterical! That way I'm far away from her vagina! She's punishing me! (*slide whistle*)
2) Another thing that is not sexy is trying to squeeze into a corset if you are a man for hilarious effect when you get naked for the first time with a women you just met because all that does is give you a muffin-top AND and a muffin bottom and it looks like two stress reliever squish balls in a Chinese finger trap and even though it makes your breasts look big, watch out! Because Men aren't supposed to even have boobs and also there is nothing sexy about whole hams. I know that seems like it came out of nowhere...that ham part, I mean...but in the original writing of this post I had said "...two whole hams in a Chinese finger trap..." so it totally made sense and then I went on to say "...there is nothing sexy about whole hams. That's why the Jews don't eat them. It's in the Bible under "Things that aren't sexy." I think that's in chapter Beebowiticus or something." I'm a laff riot.
3) Another non-sexy thing is if you are making love to someone...in my case a beautiful siren from beyond the sea...or in your case a potato or someone drunk or your mom... it is best to not yell out "Wait for it....!" when you are getting close to the end part because it builds up too much sexy anticipation and maybe that sexy siren from beyond the sea doesn't appreciate you hollering like that in her broom closet before the bell releasing the students for the day sounds. And also maybe she is racist against orgasms or something because she totally ruined the moment by clapping an eraser in my face and whispering "Who's the teacher's pet now?" But don't worry about me because I was only kidding. That never happened. (*looks around*)
4) Slide whistles when you prematurely ejaculate, while funnier then I can even express based on my research of other people and not me because I can go for like a week, are not sexy. Same goes for "Aaa-ooga!" horns or throwing a handful of Poprocks© in or around the vaginal© area and screaming "Fourth of July! Fourth of July!"
Funny and sexy are tricky to match up is the moral of this story.
*I'm trying to bring back "hooters" as a way to say "boobs" because it's classier and doesn't carry around any of the stigma of "breasts" which sounds stuck-up and like something a refined English butler would say. I'm just keeping it real, yo.