The first thing I learned is that when a stock broker says "Expand your portfolio" he doesn't mean buy a new red folder for your Trapper Keeper©, even if you do use one of those cool ones that are all plasticy and have an awesome ruler on the inside of the spine, and maybe you fill it with pictures you drew of spaceship battles and boobies, but that's not what he meant so you've disappointed him. And then you shouldn't scream "Don't talk to me like that Assface, I don't work for you YET!" and then throw all the papers up in the air and then run around the desk really fast to avoid security because they haven't even showed up yet and it'll just look a little crazy. Am I losing you with all this technical talk? Bear with me.
The other thing I learned is that con where you go to the grocery store and try to confuse the cashier into you giving you an extra twenty by asking for change in a tricky manner is really difficult and in the end, most of the time you end up with the correct change and shouting "NO! You were supposed to give me a TWENTY!" doesn't make it better and neither does freaking out and reaching back into the gum display and stuffing a whole package of Fruit Stripe© into your mouth, wrappers and all and then trying to run away. They'll catch you and probably prosecute you to the full extent of the law and when you go in front of the judge he'll be all "Where did you even FIND Fruit Stripe© Gum in 2009?" and then you'll be all "Inside your Mom." but that's not funny because his Mom JUST died like last week, so on top of the judge being super-sensitive about it, it's a little gross because guess what? You just confessed to eating gum that was stored in a dead lady. The FDA probably doesn't approve of that method of preservation is my point. You should never eff with the FDA.
The final piece of financial advice I have for you is that if you are going to get involved in a pyramid scheme it's best to remember that there are not actually any mummies or ancient curses involved to act as insurance against fraud because that's what I thought and when the guy said "Sorry, Buddy." and sorta snickered I yelled " I invoke the powers of the sleeping ancient evil to rise from the crypt and hunt you to the ends of the Earth!" and then I bent down and grabbed a handful of dirt and blew it in his face. That's when he shot me.
Don't do that.
Moral: I look awesome in these new pants I found at the Salvation Army and even though the bell bottoms make my ankles look fat, check out how they flutter when I walk!