Friday, July 3, 2009

Sound Advice

I know it seems glamorous to be me, and I don't even blame you for being jealous because you know who isn't jealous of me? Fools, that's who. I just accidentally typed "foals" but I fixed it because I am all about accuracy and I have no idea how baby horses feel about me. Anyway(s), I thought I would share some money tips with you, because financial advice that you read on the Internet is always awesome and never untrustworthy and if you don't want to believe me than it's your loss. And that loss will probably only be one of pride and not of money, but I think we can all agree that's way worse.

The first thing I learned is that when a stock broker says "Expand your portfolio" he doesn't mean buy a new red folder for your Trapper Keeper©, even if you do use one of those cool ones that are all plasticy and have an awesome ruler on the inside of the spine, and maybe you fill it with pictures you drew of spaceship battles and boobies, but that's not what he meant so you've disappointed him. And then you shouldn't scream "Don't talk to me like that Assface, I don't work for you YET!" and then throw all the papers up in the air and then run around the desk really fast to avoid security because they haven't even showed up yet and it'll just look a little crazy. Am I losing you with all this technical talk? Bear with me.

The other thing I learned is that con where you go to the grocery store and try to confuse the cashier into you giving you an extra twenty by asking for change in a tricky manner is really difficult and in the end, most of the time you end up with the correct change and shouting "NO! You were supposed to give me a TWENTY!" doesn't make it better and neither does freaking out and reaching back into the gum display and stuffing a whole package of Fruit Stripe© into your mouth, wrappers and all and then trying to run away. They'll catch you and probably prosecute you to the full extent of the law and when you go in front of the judge he'll be all "Where did you even FIND Fruit Stripe© Gum in 2009?" and then you'll be all "Inside your Mom." but that's not funny because his Mom JUST died like last week, so on top of the judge being super-sensitive about it, it's a little gross because guess what? You just confessed to eating gum that was stored in a dead lady. The FDA probably doesn't approve of that method of preservation is my point. You should never eff with the FDA.

The final piece of financial advice I have for you is that if you are going to get involved in a pyramid scheme it's best to remember that there are not actually any mummies or ancient curses involved to act as insurance against fraud because that's what I thought and when the guy said "Sorry, Buddy." and sorta snickered I yelled " I invoke the powers of the sleeping ancient evil to rise from the crypt and hunt you to the ends of the Earth!" and then I bent down and grabbed a handful of dirt and blew it in his face. That's when he shot me.

Don't do that.

Moral: I look awesome in these new pants I found at the Salvation Army and even though the bell bottoms make my ankles look fat, check out how they flutter when I walk!

16 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Yeah, I can never figure that grocery store trick out. You give him a ten, but you claim to have given him a billion dollar bill or the Hope Diamond or something, and that instead of $5.75, he owes you the entire chain of stores and 100% stock in its parent company and you get to date Anne Hathaway. It hardly ever works, but at the very least you get him fired for stealing the Hope diamond and you get a free box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Suckers!!

Mona Lott said...

How about a greeeen folder? That would work, right?

Miss Yvonne said...

I've never been suckered in on a pyramid scheme because I am afraid of getting to the top because it looks really pointy and sharp up there.

expateek said...

I'm a horse whisperer, and I can tell you that the baby horses are all kind of dubious about you, but they didn't really want to say, because they were afraid of hurting your feelings. I wouldn't lose any sleep over it though. They're foals I mean fools. (Yeah, I know, I re-used your joke, but it was sooooo good, and I like to recycle. Greeeeeeeen, that's me!)

miss. chief said...

next time i work as a cashier i'll be on to your brilliant trick. i actually fall for that one all the time so you should come to my cash regiser

Kristine said...

Oh, this was so funny I'm not even going to try to be witty in my comment. You're so funny! I love you! I mean, your blog!

Don't get weird on me.

Mandy's Kidding said...

You in bell-bottoms seems so right.

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: I heard Anne Hathaway's vagina looks like the Hope Diamond. True Story. She wiggles out of her panties and then POW! Hope Diamond.

@Mona: See...That's a common mistake. It's really dinosaurs they are looking for drawings of I think...envelope color doesn't matter.

@Miss Yvonne: Your Mom looks sharp and pointy up there. (?)

@expateek: You can forget about getting the deposit back on that one, hippy.

@Miss Chief: Actually you'd hand me a Canadian twenty and I'd freak out because I always think that's pretend money.

@Kristine: You put the "I" in "restraining order".

Kurt said...

@Mandy: I know, right? Throw on a feather boa and a nipple ring and...never mind. I let my dreams carry me away sometimes.

Soda and Candy said...

Foal is the cutest word ever.

CatLadyLarew said...

What? There aren't any real pyramids or mummies in pyramid schemes? What's the point then? I'm so disillusioned!

BTW... Could you please give me 2 tens and a five for this $20?

Thanks!

Vic said...

You've got it all wrong, because bell bottoms are excellent camouflage for cankles. Or so I've heard.
Unless you got the horizontal stripe ones, you're looking groovy my friend.

Just.Kate said...

Have you ever eaten gum that's been stored in a dead lady? I mean, where would it be stored is my point. Mmm, dusty. Or decomposey.

Mmmm.

Dirty Dirty Jesus said...

When Mandy says "Expand your portfolio" to me, I know what she means.

TishTash said...

Your financial schemes involve a lot of Running Away.

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