Actually, I feel so guilty even writing that as a joke that I feel like I should apologize on the off-chance my kids read it. I'm kidding. I love you, guys. Go back to eating me out of house and home now and arguing about who touched who first and bickering about why America's Next Top Model is a good show and punching each other because we've been confined in this goddamn house for a thousand years now and the only way to get us out is to steal our treasure which is totally cursed and then we can hunt you to the ends of the Earth because we're really mummies.
Seriously. If God or Krishna or The Flying Spaghetti Monster or whoever makes it rain for one more consecutive day, I am totally going to Hell out of spite. St Peter will be all "The kingdom of Heaven is yours because you are so virtuous and handsome." and I'll be all "Get bent, Pete! I'm going down there because at least down there it never Effing* rains!" and then he'll be all "Dude. Seriously. It's an eternity of suffering and plus you get to have sex with angels up here and that's just awesome!" and I'll be all "Well, you make a good point...okay. But I'm still not forgiving Him for all those summer days in 2009 when the kids became like gerbils and tried to eat each other because they were trapped in the house all the time." and then St. Peter will be all "Agreed." and then we will fist-bump and I'll go have sex with a religious metaphoric literary construct. and we'll totally do it somewhere cool like on a cloud or on stage at Carnegie Hall. And people watching the show will be all "Did you see that! There was an angel humping a very handsome ghost on center stage just now!" and the other person with the hold-up-to-your-eyes-with-a-stick binoculars will be all "Shut Up! 'It's a Hard Knock Life' is about to start." So I totally just humped an angel in the middle of the matinee showing of Annie! Top That!
*In Heaven, I would always say "Effing" instead of "fucking" because if don't show God respect he feeds you lions or makes a whale eat you or something else awful. It's all in his brochure.