Thursday, July 9, 2009

Sorry Kids! I'm Kidding! Here. Have Some Golden Grahams.

So I've started like 3 different posts and they were mostly about the hilarious hijinks of kittens and how hard it is to clean the house and WHEW! are these kids difficult over summer vacation!, but I wasn't really into them too much and I had to break up with them by telling them "It's not you... it's me." and I think we all know how ridiculous that is. It's never me. It's always you. But anyway(s) right in the middle of all these genius posts I keep getting asked to make people breakfast and that makes creativity difficult and I'm just wondering how long I have to keep feeding these kids because I'm pretty sure they could survive in the wild on their own. They are crafty and cute which are always the best kind of street urchin and I totally think at least one of them will excel at crime, so why are they still even hanging around? Even in March of the Penguins the Dad Penguins were like "Okay! Time to get the fuck off my feet!"

Actually, I feel so guilty even writing that as a joke that I feel like I should apologize on the off-chance my kids read it. I'm kidding. I love you, guys. Go back to eating me out of house and home now and arguing about who touched who first and bickering about why America's Next Top Model is a good show and punching each other because we've been confined in this goddamn house for a thousand years now and the only way to get us out is to steal our treasure which is totally cursed and then we can hunt you to the ends of the Earth because we're really mummies.

Seriously. If God or Krishna or The Flying Spaghetti Monster or whoever makes it rain for one more consecutive day, I am totally going to Hell out of spite. St Peter will be all "The kingdom of Heaven is yours because you are so virtuous and handsome." and I'll be all "Get bent, Pete! I'm going down there because at least down there it never Effing* rains!" and then he'll be all "Dude. Seriously. It's an eternity of suffering and plus you get to have sex with angels up here and that's just awesome!" and I'll be all "Well, you make a good point...okay. But I'm still not forgiving Him for all those summer days in 2009 when the kids became like gerbils and tried to eat each other because they were trapped in the house all the time." and then St. Peter will be all "Agreed." and then we will fist-bump and I'll go have sex with a religious metaphoric literary construct. and we'll totally do it somewhere cool like on a cloud or on stage at Carnegie Hall. And people watching the show will be all "Did you see that! There was an angel humping a very handsome ghost on center stage just now!" and the other person with the hold-up-to-your-eyes-with-a-stick binoculars will be all "Shut Up! 'It's a Hard Knock Life' is about to start." So I totally just humped an angel in the middle of the matinee showing of Annie! Top That!

*In Heaven, I would always say "Effing" instead of "fucking" because if don't show God respect he feeds you lions or makes a whale eat you or something else awful. It's all in his brochure.


Kat said...

"all those summer days in 2009 when the kids became like gerbils and tried to eat each other because they were trapped in the house all the time." That is my kids every winter. Wait, strike that; edit. That is my kids every week day.

Miss Yvonne said...

Of course you'd wait to have sex with an angel on stage until "It's A Hard Knock Life" starts. Because ha ha haaa, they said "hard".

Kristine said...

You WOULD tell Pete to get bent! I love this post, but that's like, HI, what else is new.

TrodoMcCracken said...

I'm pretty sure spite wouldn't be the only thing that got you into hell. Maybe, you know, the whole fact this blog is pretty much blaspheming from start to finish. Tell Santa Claus I said "Hi".

Dana's Brain said...

Sex with an angel at Carnegie Hall would be way cooler then a cloud. Everyone up there probably does it on a cloud. Way to be original!

Soda and Candy said...

I heart you Kurt. Hurry up and get rich so you can be my second husband.

; )

Maggie May said...

"I'll go have sex with a religious metaphoric literary construct."

that is awesome.

CatLadyLarew said...

Good thing they can't send you to jail for all the things you say out of hearing of your kids! To hell, yes, to jail, probably not.

Captain Dumbass said...

This post was so quotable you should just stop writing now. Seriously, stop. You're making others look bad.

Vic said...

Maybe if you quick put on your hat and gloves and go out on an errand, the Cat in the Hat will show up and trash your house, but your kids will learn a valuable lesson about never opening the door to animals wearing tall headwear.
And then the sun will come out.

("Time to get the fuck off my feet"....still laughing!)

Char said...

ahhhh, children

on the other hand you could be in the south where every day is like the witch's oven out of hansel and gretel and you could threaten to bake your children into delicious keebler's fudge cookies (you know the witch just switched her game to this so she would have better PR).

HappyHourSue said...

GOD I loved March of the Penguins cuz the women were so badass. There were all: "Watch the kids, BITCH..." and then had a total girls trip.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

How dare you bring the penguins into your sick little world of curse words and child-desecrating keyboard puke.

God can handle it. The cute penguins just can't take it.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

Maybe I should've said "haha" after that bit about the keyboard puke. Since I'm new here?

Kurt said...

@Kat: Kids should totally be entered into a "Thunderdome" style daycare at the age of 8.

@Miss Yvonne: And I'd be all "Get it?" to my Angel-date and then they would smite me for being a jackass.

@Kristine: The check for the unsolicited praise is in the mail.

@Trodo: I'm pretty sure if there was a hell it would be in Canada and we'd have found it by now.

@Dana's Brain: I am nothing else, if not an amazing sexual innovator.

@Soda and Candy: Second wife = place to abandon the kids. Just a heads up.

@Maggie May: Heh. Glad you liked.

@CatLadyLarew: Ah...the kids love the way I talk...the swears tickle their noses.

@Cap'n D: If I stop writing now I'll have to find a real job...sorry, Bro.

@Vic: I like where the Cat in the Hat pulls out his things for the kids to play with.

@Char: In the South, they'd have jobs by now. Stupid Lazy Liberal Upbringing.

@HappyHourSue: The men-guins were just trying to secure their next blow-jay I think.

@SMG: I can take a good joke. Or that one...either way. Welcome!

miss. chief said...

oh my. how come you're a ghost and the angel is an angel? do they have to jump you in to make you a full fledged member of the gang or what? clap their hands so you get your wings? is that from peter pan or the bible? i'm confusing myself.

Janine said...

I never considered sex with an angel. I figured they were too pure for such things. I've considered sex with Satan but I figured with my luck it would turn out badly like it did for Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby. I mean you know that had to be some scary looking kid.

So anyway, I'm going to rethink the angel sex thing. Do the wings get in the way at all?