Thursday, July 2, 2009

Old People Are Cyborgs Sometimes

So I'm totally going to see my Mom in the nursing home where she is recovering from having a cyborg knee put in and maybe an electric eye and hopefully some kind of weapons system because if I'm going to be taken out by a Terminator I want it to laser me in the face or shoot a missile into my back or something. I don't want it crushing my head between its thigh and its calf using a robotic knee like a nutcracker. That's lame. Also this Terminator is my Mom...so that's extra gross because...well, you've seen her thighs. And maybe she isn't getting any weapons at all but just some physical therapy and I don't even know if "electric eye" is even something they still have, because it kinda sounds like bad 60s science fiction like Logan's Run where the future is just everyone dressed in white.

The kids are not as excited about going to the nursing home as I am but that's because they are racist against old people and I don't really blame them because have you even ever seen old people? Totally gross. I think maybe I'm racist against them too because whenever I have to go see them I hide under my stairs and pretend I'm not home, but then my brother, the great detective, calls my cell phone and listens for where the ringing is and he finds me, and also the kids usually point at the crawlspace, I bet. Never count on your kids not to rat you out is the lesson here. And I'm all "You guys are Nazi sympathizers!" because in my mind my brother is the Gestapo hauling me away to a death camp instead of just being my brother taking me to go see our infirm, possibly cybertronic, mother in the nursing home.

The kids don't like being called Nazis though so they'll probably tell their Mom we were playing another Concentration Camp game*, which is totally not allowed according to the divorce agreement, so it looks like another trip in front of the judge where I'll get carried away and start doing "A Few Good Men" again, but I always forget what comes after the "You can't handle the truth!!" part so I'll throw in lines from "Ghostbusters" or "Meatballs" or some other Bill Murray movie because he is HILARIOUS and then it's contempt of court again and if I get my card gets punched one more time at the jailhouse I get a free coffee!

So Win/Win.


*We don't really have any Concentration Camp games. I just thought I'd clarify, because sometimes my readers are brilliant genius detectives and other times they forget that pretty much everything I write is bullshit in one form or another. Except the bikini supermodel nympho gymnasts who fly around the world with me on the weekends solving crimes and giving out blow-jays... They are totally real

12 comments:

Nikki said...

Something is wrong with the world when you can't even play a good Nazi war game and not get in trouble. Just don't go all Prince William on me cuz that would just freak me out.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Ooh!! Ooh!! I'll help. It goes: You want the truth?? You can't HANDLE the truth!! The truth is Wyld Stallions will never be a superband until we get Eddie Van Halen on guitar. And every task you undertake becomes a piece of cake, and I can smell your cunt, Clarice.

Also, I don't think it's appropriate to play concentration camp games with your kids. Unless it's the Roberto Benigni version of "concentration camp", which is fun and exciting and full of spontaneous hiding and seeking and haircuts as long as you remember not to follow any blonde guys around the corner because even though that's the part where you become the best dad that ever was, trust me, it's not worth it.

Sass Pizzazz said...

Kurt, please don't tell me your posts aren't 100% true, because otherwise what would I work towards in my life? These days, when people ask what I want to be when I grow up, I just give them this web address. Except instead of bikini nympho gymnasts I'd like a gang of Daniel Craig James Bonds. And possibly one evil Topher Grace from the shitty Spiderman movie. Don't judge me.

The Peach Tart said...

Ok I want some of what you're smoking...love your wit....I'm with you Sass on the Daniel Craig thing

Mona Lott said...

The future ISSSSSSSSSSSSSS everyone walking around wearing white, and don't you forget it!!!!!!!!!

Vic said...

I missed the post with the pictures of your mom's thighs, dammit!! It's important that I be able to visualize them correctly.
Are they like stringy bird wings, or dimply and wide? Let me know.

Char said...

tell them that they need to be familiar with the places so they know the difference when they are deciding where to place you. ;->

Wow, that was awkward said...

Dude, the old folks are fun to visit when they aren't related to you. I've been volunteering once a week to chat with ancient farts for an hour. It is actually quite awesome despite their smell, scary skin and potential to keel over at any moment.

Miss Yvonne said...

I found out when my Grandma was in the nursing home that if you bring fried chicken, the old people will flock to you. It's kind of scary at first, but then you start to feel like you are the king of old people. But be careful, don't start flinging chicken around at them like I did because apparently old people have no depth perception and the nursing staff only let you get away with hitting an old man in the face with a chicken wing once.

miss. chief said...

WHAT? ALL I READ WAS "CONCENTRATION CAMP GAMES" OUT OF CONTEXT AND I TOTALLY OVERREACTED TO IT

Didactic Pirate said...

Whatever happens, don't let your mom get two cyborg knees. With one, she'll just be speedy. But with two, she'll be able to run at lightning fast robo-speed around the world against its orbit and totally turn back time.

It seriously happens. I read an article.

Anna Russell said...

If your kids ever figure out that grandma's cyborg knee can be trained to hit dad in the face, you're screwed.

*goes to tell Kurt's kids*