Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I Have A Ryan Seacrest

I think I'm finally an Advanced Post Writer because now when I don't write anything for a while* and people think I've fallen down a hole or been caught red-handed in a jewel heist or maybe arrested for public nudity,which is totally a crime of passion incidentally and will get you persecuted even if you ARE carrying a sign that says "Free Wang!", I actually gain followers. This can only mean that the best way for me to build an audience is to stop writing, and I think we can all agree that is an Advanced Post Writing concept.

I mean I always had an inkling that this was the case, because whenever I talk about silly things that don't mean anything I gain readers and maybe some of you were wondering where the other side of that observation is like "and when I write about serious topics I lose readers" but there isn't another side to that observation because like I said the less smart I am the more people read me, so I'm pretty much stuck being illogical. Lucky for me that is where my true talents lie. That and building walls out of pillows to barricade the door and keep my nosy landlord from coming in and collecting the rent. That's my other talent. The secret is to use Smuckers© Allfruit© as mortar. I think strawberry works best but I'm no jelly-mortar expert so don't quote me on that. Also when I wrote "secret" just then, I mis-typed and wrote "seacrest" and maybe some of you think that was a gay Freudian© slip, but I think everyone who is beautiful knows that it wasn't. So go ahead and call me names, you very unattractive person who is racist against gay people, you're probably just jealous. I would be if I wasn't me.

I just tried to go off on a Yoda-type rant there about how hating gays leads to fear and fear leads to suffering but it came out all wrong and it was all "Hate leads to eels and eels lead to mimes and mimes lead to gross potato salad that your Aunt with all the pets makes and tastes too strongly of cat hair and celery...but I cut that rant out because now that I am using all my talents as an Advanced Post Writer© I am more capable of picking and choosing what brilliant content I provide you.

I can also do card tricks. But that's not a talent that translates well over the internet and if you don't believe me check it out. Pick a card, any card....

Right. Now when I ....NO! Don't show it to me!

Ugh. You fucked up my trick. I hate working with Amateur Blog Readers.

* The story of where I have been is forthcoming (TWSS!) and it is a beautiful story of an epic love affair that crosses oceans and continents to reunite me with my lost beloved. Either that or my girlfriend says I can write about us now as long as I'm sure to mention how she is funny, and beautiful and brilliant and totally not made up. Well maybe parts of her are made up. Like the "her name" part and also the "everything about her that is real" part. I'm going to try and think of a cool blog name for her. Is "Laser Boobs" taken? She'd like that I bet.

PS: I've been informed that I'll have to do better than "Laser Boobs"


Miss Yvonne said...

What about "PRINCESS Laser Boobs"? Because adding the word "princess" classes it up, I think.

Kurt said...

"Princess" is a good start to any name. Unless you're sexist. And not the good kind.

The Peach Tart said...

I'll have to try that Smuckers' trick the next time my mother in law wants to come and visit.

Laser boobs. Not good. Women like to be thought of as the Queen. But not Queen of the Laser boobs. Queen of something else. I'm sure you can think of something. You've got your witty groove on.

miss. chief said...

madame laser bobs?
woops, i meant to type "boob" but it says BOBS so who the heck is bob?

Char said...

cAndi - little c, bit A, ndi....all 'real' girlfriends who are sexy and slightly naughty have names that end with i

Kristine said...

I could almost tell you were maybe in love with someone who's perhaps made up. Your words are glowing.

Pearl said...

I think her code name should be Free Beer. Because then, if her name was in the title, people would think, "hey! free beer!"

Kurt said...

@Peach Tart: She says "Queen" makes her sound old and maybe gay.

@Miss.Chief: "Madame" is fancy and also a bit whorish. I'll experiment with that.

@Char: That's a good point. "I"s make everything frivolous and trampy!

@Kristine: I'm totally head over heels for her if she's real.

@Pearl: But when I said it out loud in public people might accidentally think I said "Freebird!" and hold up their lighters and think Skynyrd was reuniting.

Captain Dumbass said...

Miss Boobacious?

Soda and Candy said...

Hootie McBoob, or Chesty LaRue. Stick with the classics.

I'm glad you haven't fallen down a hole. Unless you count your new girlfriend's... no wait, that's too gross, I didn't say that.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Very few people know about Wang, who was imprisoned along with Mandela, but whose efforts against apartheid were all but forgotten. You are a champion of human rights, Kurt. Bravo.

Mona Lott said...

I think we're going to need more imaginary details to come up with a proper name!

The other day I told H he's "racist against marinade" and just got "the face"... So thanks for making me MORE weird.

Kurt said...

@Cap'n D: If only I could find a way to work a sexy dinosaur in too. Like VelociTits or something.

@Soda and Candy: The hole I fell down is Love. The Love Hole. HEY! That's a great fake name! So Romantic!

@SMU,Kid: You are the only one who understands the point of this post. That I'm awesome. And you get the moral of the story: Wang deserves to be free.

@Mona: He totally is racist against weirdos too I bet. :)

Dana's Brain said...

My vote is totally for VelociTits.

I prefer to use Polaner's(Trademark symbol) Allfruit for my gluing needs. Seedless raspberry works very well.