Friday, June 19, 2009

You Dirty Rat

So the other night I was watching The Public Enemy with James Cagney and I really shouldn't be allowed to watch old gangster movies because they get me in lots of trouble. Like when I go to the grocery store and I'm buying green beans and I find one of those super skinny stick beans and I call the apron guy over and I'm all " Say! What's the big idea?" and he just sorta scrunches up his face at me, because he's like 15 and doesn't even know what a palooka is probably, but guess what? It's time for him to get an education. So I put on a sneer and I stuff the stick beans up his nose and then I punch him in the face and then I realize I'm daydreaming the whole thing and I'm standing in front of the green bean bin with two beans up my nose and I'm attracting a crowd again, so I just say "Hakuna Matata!" and then I shuffle off but not before I give the grocery kid a dirty look that says 'That's right, You mug! I'm comin' back for ya,See?" but I think he misinterprets that as constipation or maybe just craziness. It's hard to tell with kids these days.

The other way watching old movies gets me in trouble is with the ladies because maybe rampant misogyny doesn't seem like a good idea now, but back then HAHAHHAHA! hitting women was allowed because you kind of owned them, but not in a bad way like a dishwasher, in a good way like a dog or something with boobs that does your laundry. Obviously, society has changed and we no longer embrace the Cro-mag views of old as acceptable, but after watching this I find myself wanting to stuff grapefruits into women faces and that shit doesn't fly anymore, especially since the dry cleaning lady was just asking for my ticket, but I couldn't help myself and then POW! grapefruit in the face and I'm all "I didn't ask for any of your lip." and then I got arrested because obviously the cops haven't seen the movie and did I mention tazing me makes me pee my pants and forget who I am for half an hour?

That was an important life lesson.



It takes a special kind of asshole to look tough when wearing jammies.


11 comments:

miss. chief said...

i wish you was a wishing well so i could tie you to a bucket and sink you.

that's not a very nice thing to say.

Mona Lott said...

Did it have to be a citrus?! I mean, if he got that shit in her eye, well... Then I'd have to say she was downright obligated to give him the Willey Nelson Treatment.

Nikki said...

I've thrown an apple at someone before. Hit him in the back of the head. Would have hit him in the face but he was a wuss and turned to dodge it. He dared me to so that makes it ok.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

What a DICK!!! He's obviously suffering from short man's syndrome. Maybe enrolling him in Tae Kwon Do would improve his confidence. I'm gonna call his mom.

Soda and Candy said...

I love doing James Cagney impreshes though.

"Shee? Yeah! Maaaahhhhh."

Vic said...

That's it - I'm returning my "I heart Jimmy" buttons and my official fan club banners.

Prosy said...

My boyfriend is so romantic. He told me I was less like an expensive appliance and more like a lower intelligence level animal. Sweet

Lulu said...

What?? No VTs before breakfast?

Is it just me, or did Jimmy C throw that grapefruit in her face like a GIRL......

I am going to start using 'palooka' all the time now.

Soda and Candy said...

Kurt, are you okay?

Just checkin'.

HappyHourSue said...

True story: my mom spit a whole grape at my dad when they were in an arguement: thwapp!!!! Right in the face. Since then I've always considered any fruit to be fair game in marital conflict.

Also: you should try calling women "dames". We love that.

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