Friday, June 26, 2009

A Year Wiser...No. Seriously.

So I'm rolling up on another birthday and that is awesome because it means I am getting wiser and according to my calculations this should pretty much be the year I get my Force powers, because I did the math and I'm like 266 in dog years and that my friends, is ancient. I hope the first power I get is the lightning one like the Emperor had, because next time the pizza guy shows up without the two liter of Coke Zero© guess who is getting his ass lightninged? And I'll be all "And now my young WILL die." and then Darth Vader will get all up in my grill, yo* and throw me down an unexplained chasm in the middle of my office. Seriously. Who puts a dangerous precipice right in the middle of their workspace? The Death Star building team got the elevator in but not the floor? That makes no sense. Anyway(s), Darth just effed himself out of some slices of some delicious pizza, is my point.

Another benefit to getting older is that now I'll be able to... yeah I got nothin'.

It was cool there for a minute though, right? Like you were all "Yeah? Oh great and powerful ageless wizard...Tell me what else is cool about being old!" I totally had you going... like getting older when you're over 35 doesn't just allow you another opportunity to reflect on what you had wanted to do with your life. HAHAHAHAHA!* I'm kidding of course. Lucky for me it was my dream as a young boy to be an unemployed hobo-lite who shared his life on the Internet. And don't give that "But Kurt, you roguishly handsome, young, virile genius...the Internet wasn't around back then."because I'll just shout "Quid Pro Quo!" at you and try to toss the Pop Rocks© I keep in the front of my robe into your eyes so I can make a fast getaway. And then you'll say "That guy? He's just a crazy old hermit." So nice job Uncle Owen. Way to crush my dreams.

Hattori Hanzo: Stop. Stop. Stop. You're doing it again. You're making yourself all the characters in the story at once. You can't be Ben Kenobi AND Luke Skywalker at the same time.
Me: Maybe YOU can't. I have the advantage of advanced age.
Hattori Hanzo: I'm pretty sure we're the same age, because I'm your imaginary friend.
Me: "Friend" is a bit of a stretch and also a little gay don't you think?
Hattori Hanzo: When are you expecting this wisdom to kick in?
Me: Any second now. I swear I can FEEL the force flowing through me.
Hattori Hanzo: Actually, you just peed down your leg.
Me: Stupid "getting old".

*This is slang that proves that I am young and gives me tons of street cred but I secretly suspect it is crazy-outdated because if old white men use it then guess what? Not cool. I might as well say "Oh Snap!" or "You Go Girl!"

**This is scary, wild-eyed laughter that makes everyone take a step back and pretty much means if you are close by you are about to get shot, exploded, or anthraxed. Just to be clear.

PS: As a sidenote, I got the invitation to my twenty year class reunion in the mail today. Thanks for the kick in the balls, Life. See if you get anything for Christmas (or Hannukah) this year! (I don't know if my life is Jewish or not.)


The Jules said...

Ooh, class reunion.

See if you can reverse boast about how little you've achieved or what you haven't got. Makes your former peers feel all uncomfortable. Even better if you go dressed in rags.

Or a dressing gown, thinking about it. I'm guessing that's what a robe is, and not some awesome piece of garlanded Roman-emperor dress which would look good anywhere and make a mockery of your Hobo-esque chic?

Mona Lott said...

Oh Snap!

Uh. Happy Birthday! 20 year, huh? I didn't realize you were so... Wiiiiiiiise:D

That Baldy Fella said...

So according to Stalkbook, we have the same birthday. This is doing nothing to disprove my theory that one of us is a figment of the others imagination. (You know who else share's our birthday? Henry VIII, that's who. Regal.)

That Baldy Fella said...

(I threw in an extra apostrophe there as apostrophes make everything fancier)

Char said...

I hate class reunions....I've never gone to one

miss. chief said...

ouch, pop rocks in the eyes would hurt

Anonymous said...

But don't EVER throw Pop Rocks© and Coke Zero© in anyone's eyes at the same time, because they explode. I swear. It happened to my cousin's friend's dad.

Michael Bay is missing out on some serious facesplosion with that one.

Too lazy to sign in,

Mona Lott said...

@ "ANONYMOUS": But if you don't sign in, you can't write a fabulously amusing blog! And if you don't write a fabulously amusing blog... Well, I think at one point Kurt SWORE to wear "it" like a shoe... I was just gonna be huffy, which poses little to no threat... But Kurt, well... I'd write a blog.

Groucho said...

Which country are you originally from mate, and what language do they speak there?

Kurt said...

@The Jules: I love "dressing gown" makes me feel super-fancy.

@Mona: I'm so wise I taught your mom a few tricks.

@Baldy: "Stalkbook" is awesome. We DO have the same birthday so that makes us pretty much related according to the Geneva Convention. (I'm paraphrasing)

@Char: Than how do you know you hate them? Do they send you threatening letters?

@miss.chief: I'm a deadly opponent. Don't you forget it.

@Becks: Michael Bay has never missed a facesplosion in his whole career.

Also, I'm not sure how I feel about you coming around without your superhero costume. I feel like a peeping tom and not in the good "she'll never know" way.

Kurt said...

@Mona: I totally want to wear it like a shoe. Thi s is like Christmas for me.

@Groucho: I'm from the US, but I think we can all agree I speak the international language of love.

Soda and Candy said...

Ah, the unexplained giant hole, staple of many sci-fi vehicles.

Hah. I just said "unexplained giant hole".

; )

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Mona-Much like the way I would grab a kid's foot in elementary school when they tried to kick me, turning the tables on them and leaving them to struggle free whilst hopping around on their one remaining leg, I would never allow Kurt to wear my cunt like a shoe, but instead I would wear his shoe like a tampon. *Clench* Bring. it. on.

Like a Chinese finger trap, bub.

But you're right. I need to blog more.

Miss Yvonne said...

My husband got his 20 year reunion invite this summer too. I think his exact words were "Great, first the bald spot, now the reunion".

Captain Dumbass said...

I got my 20 year reunion thing too but I can't remember anybody I went to school with so screw them.

I think Force Push would be great too. Especially if you could do it without the arm waving thing when you're walking around the mall or waiting in line for something. Outta the way, effers! Mmm, clumsy are you.

Carolyn...Online said...

Pop Rocks...yoda?... Darth Vader...

Sorry I was trying to write something but my brain can't let go of the image of Becky's vag holidng Kurts shoe/foot combo hostage and then doing that ninja flip move and cartwheeling around it and ugh.... it's not a pretty mental image. I mean it's a cool stunt and all but the potential damage to the shoe... And the vag...

Dana's Brain said...

So...when exactly is your birthday? (I dumped stalkbook - and actually, we weren't friends anyway so how would I know?)

I'm just curious since my Bday is next week and I want to know if I get to rub it in that I'm younger then you. Of course, I also don't know exactly how old you are, so I can just pretend.

You're wicked old.

Didactic Pirate said...

Well, wisdom may not come with age, but the really good news is that getting older will only sharpen one's sense of Irony. Which, by the way, always makes a great accessory at a class reunion.

Then again, my 20th came and went last summer and I started stockpiling excuses a year ahead of time, especially after learning that my graduating class ('88) eventually turned out to be the most collectively successful group that my high school had ever seen. EVER. Seriously. There was an article in the paper. Oscar winners, nobel laureates, Olympians, spokesmodels. What. The. Hell. Do I need that in my life?