Friday, June 5, 2009

Wow. Sorry.

This post is going to be like an exciting race because I'm not sure what is going to happen. Will I fall asleep or be interesting first? Either way it'll be a photo finish because for some reason my body decided that sleep is for sucks last night and that it would be way better if I just flopped around in bed all aggravated instead.

That was a great plan, Body! You're such an asshole, Body. If there was a bunch of kids crossing at a crosswalk in front of you, and you were late for work, you would honk your horn at them and the crossing guard would give you a horrified and very angry look and you would just roll your eyes and that little girl with the "Yo Gabba Gabba!" backpack would jump high  in the air and maybe pee her pants a little. And My brain would be in the passenger seat and be all " Dude! Relax! What's the rush?" and you 'd be all "I have a big presentation on how to excrete at 9am." and that's just stupid because who would even want to attend that meeting? All the invitees would hit "accept"  in Lotus Notes, but no one would show up. Because you're an asshole, Body.

I was going to post about how I wanted to sign up for the witness protection program but that was before my asshole body went rogue on me. Now I'm trying to remember all the side-splitting observations I was going to make but all I can think is "Why the Eff didn't I sleep last night? " so that part about how cool it would be to pick whether or not I got to have a mustache? Gone. And that bit about picking where I got to live and they would be all "Iowa or Nebraska?" and I'd be all "Screw you, Pigs! I want Pismo Beach like in that Bugs Bunny Cartoon where Bugs and Daffy have to deal with the Genie in Ali Baba's Hidden Cave and Daffy does that awesome soliloquy about all the treasure being his that goes 'It's mine you understand? All mine! Get back in there! Down! Down! Down! Go! Go! Go! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mwa-hahahaha!' " and then the Feds would just look at me and then look at each other and maybe one would scratch his balls and HAHAHAHA! that's funny. That's gone too. 

I can't even think about that right now because I'm so tired and my brain is like that one kid who used to just roll around on the floor and make armpit farts to get the whole class to laugh instead of doing his construction paper Father's Day craft, and the teacher would be all "Brain, please return to your seat." and then my Brain wouldn't and then the teacher would beat it, because guess what? It's 1977, bitches! And that shit was still cool.

I'll stop now. Here's a cartoon as a peace offering:


Velo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michelle said...

UGH! NO sleep = crazy man!!

Oh not you. Use your imagination.

I can come over and massage your head or something. Or punch you in the head.

You do kinda need your brain to return. TO WHEREVER!!!

I miss you MR!!!

FrankandMary said...

I just mentioned in another blogger's comment section that I recently met a man with paranoiac hallucinations. Was that you? I enjoyed your tawdry, crazy, sleepless post(s). Maybe too much.

Velo said...

Your comments are beyond fantastic. Even when you're tired you produce hilarious posts. I'm addicted.

Kristine said...

Hehe. I laughed at the girl in the backpack. And then I looked over and told you "That was NOT funny, Kurt."

Sorry about the sleep issues. I have no advice other than liquor and even then the "experts" are all "it's a trick! You fall asleep, but don't really sleep WELL!" and that never made any sense to me, which is why I keep whiskey on my night table. Next to my vitamins.

Miss Yvonne said...

I understand how you are feeling today. I mean, I actually slept really well but my hair is doing this weird limp flippy thing on the left side so I had to wear a headband and I really do not have a good head for headbands.

So yeah, you and me are like this. (I'm doing that two fingered back and forth between our eyes thing to indicate we're on the same wavelength because not sleeping and bad hair are exactly the same, except that bad hair is way more serious.)

Mona Lott said...

Hahahaha! I totally remember this one! I love Bugs. -Have you seen Gremlins from the Kremlin? It's a personal fav.

I vote no mustache. Seriously. Unless it's one of those skinny, villainous ones that curl up at the ends, which you can twizzle with your fingers while you think ev-il thoughts. That might work for you. Well, not handsome wise, but definitely evil genius wise.

Also, is it me, or would the theme tune for the ol' WB cartoons make the best alarm clock wake up thingy ever? 'Cause that first note kinda makes me jump, but then I'm all, "HeeHEE! Somethin funny is comin!"

Walter said...

Maybe if you become an insomniac long enough you'll go all fight club and have two personalties, and we'll try to tell you becasue half of your posts will be totally different, but you wont listen because we'll be telling the you who's in charge and who doesn't want the toher you to know. Or something.

Mona Lott said...

Oh man, if one of your personalities is Edward Norton, we're *DOING THIS*

It's okay, he's totally on "the list".

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I would totally attend a presentation called "How to Excrete." I'd write it all curly-cuey in my date book with a bubble cloud around it, and I'd arrive prepared with lots of pencils and loose leaf tucked into my Trapper Keeper. Then when it started I'd be the girl in the first row leaning off the front of her chair with her hand raised dying to inform you of the correct spelling of queef, and yes, gas counts as excrement too, it comes in all forms of matter, says the teacher's pet.

Captain Dumbass said...

I didn't sleep last night either, but that was because of my neighbours dumb ass kid and all his graduating friends. But it's all ok now because I managed to fit them all in the deep freeze.

Food processor and vacuum seal bags. Sure it takes a little longer, but the effort is so worth it.

Vic said...

"Brain, please return to your seat."

This is my new personal mantra. Twenty times a day, when my brain starts thinking about what exactly corn nuts are and if it's illegal to throw a stranger's mail away if it's delivered to my house, or if it's only a felony to open the mail before I throw it away, I'm going to give my brain my stern teacher eyebrows and then, BOOM, my new mantra will bring that brain right back.

So thanks for changing my life, Kurt. Go get some sleep.

Kurt said...

@Michelle: Hey Stranger! Long Time No See!! LOL!!

@Mary: There's no such thing as enjoying something too much. Ask anyone. Except an addict...don't ask them.

@Velo: Glad to feed the hysteria!

@Kristine: The only problems alcohol doesn't solve are the ones I ignore.

@Miss Yvonne: Everyone knows you are too Fabulous to have a bad hair day. Nice try.

@Mona: If that was my alarm clock, every morning I would jump out of bed, trip over a lamp and brain myself on my desk. And instead of stars i would see blood.

@Walter: The first rule of being a dipshit is I do not talk about being a dipshit.

@Also Mona: I don't know what "this" is, but I have my rape horn ready just in case.

@SMU, Kid: Best. Comment. Ever. Thank you for not being racist and excluding the queef. You're like the Rosa Parks of Excrement Rights.

@Cap'n D: It's the attention to detail that counts.

@Vic: My brain is like that unruly kid who's mom packs lunches that have too much sugar and now he's bippity-bopping in his seat like his junk is on fire.

Mona Lott said...

I just laughed so hard I'm seeing sparklers, because YOU have a rape HORN... Instead of a rape whistle.

For the man who's super serious about maintaining his (alleged) virtue!

Mona Lott said...

PS: Ouch.

You. Cad.

Ms. Salti said...

My best friend's oldest just learned the armpit fart... not cool!

Char said...

I always liked that episode

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