Thursday, June 4, 2009

Word to Your Smother

I had an awesome plan this morning. You see, my alarm clock started going off at like 5:15 am and I don't know about you, but fuck that. So I hit snooze and went back to dreaming about Metallica concerts and bowling, or whatever and then 8 minutes later guess who's got something to say? Asshole the alarm clock, that's who. So I hit snooze again and then stuffed the clock under my body so I wouldn't hear it next time. This was the best plan ever because it totally didn't wake me up again. I woke instead to a teenage girl flipping out because I let her over-sleep. Heh. Kids. They're so funny. 

I also had an incredible pain in my back and I thought maybe I had hurt it doing karate kicks on the couch yesterday, so I reached underneath me to rub it a little (TWSS!) and pulled out a braying alarm clock and I had this weird moment where in my half-awake state I was afraid to reach back there again because what else was I going to find? A bowl of grapefruit? A toaster? An angry dwarf midget little person hopped up on goofballs? So I did an exploratory poke and found that all that was there was an alarm clock divot so okay, I'm not sprouting weird random shit out of my back, and that's a bad medical condition to have probably and I don't want to be in any medical journals because the pictures are rarely flattering in those things.  No one has ever said " Hey! Check out this awesome picture of me!" and then you follow the link and it's a medical journal. Unless they're a surgery addict and they're hitting on you. Which is both creepy and sexy. Which we can all agree is the best kind of sexy .

So now I'm trying to think of what other problems I can solve by smothering and sure maybe there aren't many that won't lead to jail time, but this is a creative exercise so unless you are trying to stifle me, just zip it.  And at first I was all "Landlord!" because that would be an obvious answer but then I started thinking outside of the box, which means I stopped looking at porn and got serious and I made a real scrunched up serious face and I instantly gained the respect of my colleagues for how hard I was working, except my collegues are just a sock puppet I made yesterday to keep myself company and a dirty dish I found in The Girl's room, which was covered in something grey that I can only assume has gained sentience. And I think the main thing I will solve with smothering is being awake and having to deal with my life. I'm pretty much the greatest problem solver ever.

11 comments:

Kristine said...

Suicide is not the answer.
Beer might be, however.
You can send your children to live here. (They babysit, right?) Also, I live near an airport. I hear there's a dude living on a plane for a month. So, that's another option.

Char said...

;0

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

In writing report cards, "thinks outside the box" is code for "total fucking spaz."

And that is why you are such a handsome suave genius. You rarely let your mind wander outside of the box.

Anna Russell said...

If you find an angry midget back there, send him to me and I'll kick him for you. You're welcome.

miss. chief said...

my alarm clock lets me sleep for NINE minutes. it's much better than yours.

TishTash said...

Me, I like to smother my fries with ketchup and mayo because someone needs to teach those potatoes a lesson and it's yummy.

Miss Yvonne said...

Just be sure whatever you are smothering has a safe word...like banana. Or snuffle. Wait, not snuffle because they'll say it but they'll be smothered and so you'll be all "Snapple?" and then they'll say it again only louder and you'll be all "Snaffle?" and then they'll be dead and it will be hello policeman, goodbye pop tarts.

Also, your mom did an exploratory poke.

*karate chop!*
*scissor kick!*
*diplomatic immunity!*

Wow, that was awkward said...

Just pray you never find Bridget the Midget back there. Go ahead, google her.

Soda and Candy said...

Can you solve my problem of not having anything witty to say?

: (

Captain Dumbass said...

The sock puppet wasn't your 'special' friend, was it?

Lindsay Champion said...

5:15!!! I would rather be homeless with no job than have to wake up at 5:15. Unless it's for a flight and I don't have to drive. I'd rather be homeless than wake up for a flight at 5:15 and then have to drive to the airport.

lindsay || newyorkwords.net