I also had an incredible pain in my back and I thought maybe I had hurt it doing karate kicks on the couch yesterday, so I reached underneath me to rub it a little (TWSS!) and pulled out a braying alarm clock and I had this weird moment where in my half-awake state I was afraid to reach back there again because what else was I going to find? A bowl of grapefruit? A toaster? An angry
dwarf midget little person hopped up on goofballs? So I did an exploratory poke and found that all that was there was an alarm clock divot so okay, I'm not sprouting weird random shit out of my back, and that's a bad medical condition to have probably and I don't want to be in any medical journals because the pictures are rarely flattering in those things. No one has ever said " Hey! Check out this awesome picture of me!" and then you follow the link and it's a medical journal. Unless they're a surgery addict and they're hitting on you. Which is both creepy and sexy. Which we can all agree is the best kind of sexy .
So now I'm trying to think of what other problems I can solve by smothering and sure maybe there aren't many that won't lead to jail time, but this is a creative exercise so unless you are trying to stifle me, just zip it. And at first I was all "Landlord!" because that would be an obvious answer but then I started thinking outside of the box, which means I stopped looking at porn and got serious and I made a real scrunched up serious face and I instantly gained the respect of my colleagues for how hard I was working, except my collegues are just a sock puppet I made yesterday to keep myself company and a dirty dish I found in The Girl's room, which was covered in something grey that I can only assume has gained sentience. And I think the main thing I will solve with smothering is being awake and having to deal with my life. I'm pretty much the greatest problem solver ever.