Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Sometimes They Write Themselves...And Then There's This

So I'm watching Pokemon© because of course I am, and the commercials are on so I'm only sort of paying attention and that's when I hear the new Cocoa Puffs© commercial where Sonny is supposed to be watching an opera in a theater made out of chocolate and he's singing and in his song he rhymes "stage" with "crazed" and I'm all "Hold the fucking phone there, Sonny! Those words don't rhyme. What the fuck are you playing at?" and then I get annoyed because who the Eff would ever perform in a theater made out of chocolate because the first time you fired up the stagelights guess what? That's right. Melted. The lack of scientific forethought in commercials these days is ridiculous. And so I'm all bent out of shape because I hate when commercials feel like they have to start some shit and then I realize just what has happened to my life to make it so that pacing in the kitchen and fretting about factual incongruencies in an animated Cocoa Puffs© commercial becomes a valid use of my time.

Also Cocoa Pebbles are way better because they don't strafe the roof of your mouth so bad.

Also also, it's been 30 fucking years...how come nobody can catch that effing leprachaun from Lucky Charms©? I think there is black magic involved, because only a deal with Satan could keep that from happening. And don't try and give me that whole "They're magically delicious" argument because have you even tasted Lucky Charms©? Because apparently magic tastes like dehydrated, ass-flavored, cardboard with islands of pure artificially-colored sugar that totally cause cancer* and that's a crappy way to start your day and you know what parent buys that cereal for their kids? Mean ones, that's what. Because kids are all retards and they totally fall for commercials that say cereal is delicious when in fact it tastes awful and it's up to the parents to only buy delicious cereal unless they want their kids to grow up quick and grow up mean, so their fists get hard and their wits get keen. And really...are you even still reading this? Because why?


You better run, Asshole. You know who else is after your Lucky Charms©?
Dinosaurs, That's who.

* Scientific studies have linked artifically colored rainbow marshmallows to being a douchebag in later life and while that isn't cancer in the strictest sense, it is like a cancer to SOCIETY and I think we can all agree that we're all in this together, so we should prevent douchebagitis-type melonomas from spreading.

ps: Happy Saint Jean-Baptiste Day to my Canadian friends! Way to make up holidays! I think I'll go celebrate Barney the Drunk From The Simpsons Day by getting plowed on Brandy Alexanders.

18 comments:

Prosy said...

I really want to know what happened to that Trix are for kids rabbit. I haven't seen him in a long time, and I'm afraid that those bastardy selfish kids offed him just so they wouldn't have to share their cereal.

MoonBloggy said...

Dude, Lucky Charms is my favorite cereal! ... oh. wait... UGH!! i AM a douche bag!!
*shamed*

Kurt said...

@Prosy: He worked for a Cosmetic Laboratory for a while...haven't heard from him since.

@MoonBloggy: Lucky for you, this blog is the Douchebag antidote. You're cured!

Mona Lott said...

Oops... The Boy had Lucky Charms for breakfast this morning.

But I DO kinda want him to grow up quick and grow up mean*... And stuff. Besides, he's already pretty much a huge pain in the keister.

*Not mean like "gives swirlies" mean. Mean like "Lean, mean karate choppin' machine!"

Kristine said...

I've always hated Lucky Charms! I hope that Valacaraptor (?) eats the shit out of that asinine leprechaun.

Groucho said...

For God's sake, I had no idea they allow lunatics computer access in whatever institution you reside.

The Jules said...

Is it any co-incidence that Leprechaun and Leprosy are next to each other in the dictionary?

I think not.

Char said...

there are never enough marshmellows in lucky charms...so i quit eating them.

Soda and Candy said...

Don't feel bad Kurt, I shout at the television all the time.

Also, kudos on being the country to start the whole cereal-with-marshmallows-in-it thing.

Ms. Salti said...

It's official... I think I'm in love with you... well, at least your writing. You crack my shit up! Especially the part about douchebagitis-type melanomas!

HappyHourSue said...

please don't ever get a job.

Kurt said...

@Mona: Teach him to "sweep the leg" then he's karate mean and just regular mean at the same time.

@Kristine: Raptors and Leprechauns are sworn blood enemies. That's probably the first fact you learn as a dinosaurologist.

@Groucho: The institution of MARRIAGE!! GET IT? Because marriage is difficult unless both partners are invested in long term growth and mutually-shared life goals? HAHAHAHAHA! "Marriage" I said...

@The Jules: As always your wisdom is immediately evident.

@Char: I just pictured the scene from Brokeback Mt. but instead of two gay cowboys it's you saying "I can't quit you." to a box of Lucky Charms.

@Soda: That is a historical lie perpetrated by Canada. In fact, it was Iceland who invented that because what the fuck else is there to do in Iceland?

@Ms. Salti: I understand completely. I'm very funny. Ask anyone. As long as it's me.

@HappyHourSue: Done and DONE!

Wow, that was awkward said...

Crunch Berries are the best. But sometimes they scrape the roof of my mouth and they don't taste as good with blood.

Lori said...

Speaking of Chocolate in ads, have you seen the Axe ad where the guy is made of cholate and as he walks around town, women break pieces of him off and eat him.
It's fucking creepy.

And, only Quebec celebrates St. Jean Baptiste Day. Just what that province needs--another reason to get drunk and riot.

TishTash said...

Whoa whoa whoa...don't hate on Lucky Charms. That's where I get my superpower. True story. When I eat them, I can make all my problems go away, poof! like magic. No wait. That's the booze I eat them with. Sorry, my bad.

Anonymous said...

The best way to eat Cocoa Puffs is to drink the chocolatey milk, then press the milk out of the puffs with the back of a fork, forming a Cocoa Puff patty which you then pat dry with a paper towel and serve on toast like pate. It's much like blending broccoli into yummy foods to trick kids into eating it. Only it's the opposite, because you're tricking classy adults into eating kid junkfood.
-b.

Carolyn...Online said...

Rule number one of selling kids food is to anthropomorphize animals and mythical creatures then make them run for theri life.

I don't know why it's the rule it just is. Like gravity.

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