Wednesday, June 17, 2009


I was going to write something about dinosaurs because That Baldy Fella took all my old dinosaur material when everyone thought I had died and now I need some new ones, because dinosaur pretty much makes everything better. Dinosaurs are like rainbow sprinkles that way. If you were to have a giant ice cream cone and you decided that the topping you wanted was dinosaurs however, then you are a fool. And guess what else? A delicious treat.

But I'm not going to write about dinosaurs because some alarming evidence has just come to light, and I imagine my partner who is chewing on a toothpick throwing this across my desk from a small distance and it's in a manilla folder, which sound like "Nilla Wafer© which is the coolest cookie ever when you are like two, and the folder is stuffed with information, and Oh yeah! I'm in a police station. Did I mention that? And my partner is all "Feast your eyes..." real ominous-like, but I think she says "Feet or Thighs?" because of the toothpick and I'm not even sure what she is asking but I say "Thighs, I guess?" and she just gives me a look and then does a high kick to fix her pants from falling down because that's how she rolls. And maybe handcuffed to my desk is a prisoner who I am booking, and he is demanding to see his lawyer, so my partner comes over and makes duck noises at him while she tickles his armpits because I have to concentrate on this important new evidence. Don't look at me like that. I'm pretty much the leading expert on police procedure.

Wait no...maybe instead of a prisoner there can be a velociraptor chained to my desk. That would be awesome and would scare away any lookie-loos who wanted to look over my shoulder and read my stunning new evidence. They'd be all "Hey I wonder what Supreme Chief Executive Policeman Kurt is reading?" and then "Holy Fuck! Did you arrest a dinosaur? That's badass!" and then they would pick me up and carry me around the precinct on their shoulders and maybe the ceiling fan would clip me in the forehead and knock me out and blood would spray everywhere because everyone knows forehead cuts are the most vicious and this would make the velociraptor crazy so he would break out and start eating everyone and it wouldn't calm down until the whole squadroom is a bloodbath and finally my partner subdues the beast with some Nilla Wafers© and armpit ducks.

Artist's Visualization: I am not "Fish" in this scenario.

For those interested: You can go here and see how long you would last chained to bunkbed with a velociraptor. Here's a hint though: Not very long.


WakeGrace said...

i can only survive for 44 seconds. EPIC FAIL

Carolyn...Online said...

I would be Wojo if I lived in Barney Miller.

Miss Yvonne said...

You'd be the asian guy at the desk in the background. Am I right???

Hells yeah I am. Up top, bitch!

Soda and Candy said...

Your mind is like Pop Rocks.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

If I worked in that office, i'd leave a post-it on Abe Vagoda's desk that said "Cluttered desk, cluttered mind!" Everyone would love me for my organizational motivational reminders.

miss. chief said...

Holy Fuck! Did you arrest a dinosaur?
hahaha good one

Nikki said...

I would survive 1 min and 13 sec. I suppose that's a good thing?

I will lend you my pet T-Rex if you need motivation. You have to feed it two cows a day though and be careful around neighbor kids.

Mona Lott said...

1min 16sec... Of sheer terror.

I'm gonna try that kick to prevent falling pants thing...

Kurt said...

@WakeGrace: Me too. I think that questionnaire is racist.

@Carolyn: He was awesomely Asian. Awasian.

@Miss Yvonne: I gave you a high five but only because I can't resist an "Up Top!"

@Soda and Candy: I feel weirdly complimented by that.

@SMU, Kid: That's always everyone's favorite in an office...the passive-aggressive note leaver. The only person better is the 8am monster shit taker.

@miss.chief: I know, right? Getting handcuff on their little arms would be a bitch.

@Nikki: Thanks for the T. Rex, but if Jurassic Park has taught us anything it's that movies are real and everyone should start their OWN dinosaur island because nothing can go wrong.

@Mona:It totally works. I've seen it used.

Vic said...

I'm not getting enough sleep these days, because at first I thought Barney Miller was holding up a giant meat cleaver in the background.

Like there was going to be some velociraptor stir fry for lunch.

cIII said...

It just doesn't get any better than Abe Vigoda.

I tried like hell to get the Green Light to name our youngest "Fish". Veto after Veto.

Boba Fett was also shot down.

I'll have a double scoop of Butter Pecan. Could you put a spoonful of Dinosaurs on that please?


Cynthia said...

I remember when I was a kid and my grandparents loved Barney Miller and I'd watch it and just think, "I don't get it. Why would anyone watch this?"

It's like when I would sneak out of bed and spy on the grown-ups having a cocktail party and think, "This is the boringest party ever. They just stand around and talk. What's fun about that?"

What's with grown-ups anyway?