Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Serious Social Issues

I'm going to talk about a serious social issue today, because yesterday was all just weird random stuff that didn't really help anyone and if I don't step it up my "Hero to All Mankind Lifetime Achievement Award" might be in jeopardy and I heard that the award comes with a jet ski. I've always wanted a jet ski. You can start some serious shit at the community pool if you have one. And while I don't want the "Hero to All Mankind Lifetime Achievement Award" selection committee to think I would ever do that, I think we can all agree I would.

So, in trying to pick the right social issue I had a bit of trouble because my first immediate thought was herpes, because it's fun to say and it's a funny disease that gives your mouth and/or wang and/or girl junk sores and it last forever so it's pretty much the Gandalf the White of diseases, and so I checked to see if anyone has ever died from it and it turns out it maybe killed a baby, a puppy, and an elephant. I don't know about you, but I'm super-fired up against herpes now, because what kind of disease only targets babies and puppies? An asshole disease, that's who.

I'm guessing the elephant was a fluke because if you put them all in silhouette on the Electric Company and sang the "One of these things is not like the other." song, only that one kid who sits in the corner and sings to himself all day and then gets explosively angry and starts swearing at nap time would pick the puppy*. Everyone else knows it's the elephant. But I don't know if the Electric Company ever did a "Killed by Herpes" song, so this is all conjecture. My point is "Herpes is Bad." and definitely a mean asshole and I sure am glad I don't have it, and maybe you're thinking "That's not a very selfless thing to say , Mr. I-Want-To-Win-An-Award." but I have to respectful disagree**, because if this handsome face gets the herpes, we all lose.

And then I thought about it some more, and I wondered if there were any social issues that went along with not having enough cupcakes or Skittles©, because that would be a project I could really get behind. But I don't mean for like starving kids or anything, because I bet sugar would really make them wound up and hard to deal with after everyone is so used to them just sitting around in the corner with flies on them all day. I'm more of a humanitarian than THAT. No, I was thinking maybe a "Cupcake across America" kind of charity where I go to every state and eat a delicious cupcake and rate them on a scale of 1 to 10 and then, when it's over I could waddle over to the podium and announce the winner. That maybe doesn't sound like a good charity to you at first, but think of all the people I would help know where to get the best cupcake. Also I'm going to think about what a delicious adventure that would be. Sponsors interested can contact me here.



Turns out that "One of These Things" song was on Sesame Street, but Eff them. Here's a song about dying (although not a "Killed by Herpes" song) from the Electric Company.

* This kid would also grow up to be super-handsome, and a genius, and sure maybe he's unemployed right now and taking expired cat antidepressants because he can't afford his co-pay, but guess what else? He still sings. He still sings...

**My methodology for respectfully disagreeing changes with each instance, but usually it involves a shovel and your head. Although sometimes it's one of those tiny gherkin pickles stuffed into your ear really far and then snapped off and you have to go to the hospital and explain why you have a pickle stuck in your ear. My point is, you've learned a valuable lesson


17 comments:

Maelstrom said...

Please rate:

Home made cupcake from your own home:
Grocery store baked upcake:
Chocolate Hostess cupcake:
Yellow Hostess cupcake:

Dr Zibbs said...

This one's a classic.

Mona Lott said...

* Is my son... It's good to know I need not worry.

I thought you already won this award for all your selfless work with supermodels and dinosaurs?! Can you win the HAMLAA more than once?

The Jules said...

For your charity, I reckon that poison song would work if it was re-worded by Sir Elton (for a heartwarming profit).

Instead of "poison", you could wangle "herpes ridden genitalia" in there.

Also, is cupcakes a euphemism?

Kristine said...

They would *totally* be hard to deal with once the flies pack up their little satchels and make tracks. You're always thinking of the important details. I'd happily back this project with exactly one cupcake, but the frosting may have been licked off already.

Kurt said...

@Maelstrom:Home,Hostess Chocolate, Hostess Golden, Store.

@Dr. Zibbs: It's good to know my humanitarian work has garnered the support of the medical community.

@Mona: HAMLAA is an awful acronym that I totally embrace. KInda close to NAMBLA but that's okay.

@The Jules: It's hard to trill "genitalia". That what she said. All good songs have trills.

@Kristine: I always try to remember the children. Unless they're all gross with distended bellies. Nobody likes a martyr.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I would pick the baby, because it's the only one of the three that I don't want to pet and hug and offer my breast to in a motherly gesture of nourishment and compassion. No, there's no milk in there. I said "gesture". It's just a nonverbal expression of affection. Like that tongue-in-cheek-blow-jay gesture one might do to the guy sitting next to one on the bus. It's not a promise or anything, it's just a gesture, like a wink or a smile or pointing to one's vagina and mouthing the words, "Stick it in."

Soda and Candy said...

I have a fourteen pound, oh wait I mean ounce, stupid imperial system, bag of Skittles sitting next to me on the desk right now!

Mmmjealous?

; )

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: If trifecta didn't mean three, that would be the trifecta of perfect commenting because it had boobs and vagina in it. I don't know if there's a duo-fecta but check out this handstand I'm doing in the pool right now! Want a dolphin ride?

@Soda: "Imperial" sounds more majestic than metric. Totally jealous.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I rate that handstand an 8. Four points off for not pointing your toes, but a two point bonus for shaving your legs. Good job!

That video makes me want to drink poison so bad.

I didn't know the Bell Biv DeVoe version was a cover. I like this version better, it's much funkier.

Vic said...

I'm totally behind the Cupcakes Across America. You'd be like the Johnny Appleseed of Baked Goods in Little Paper Sleeves. Only in reverse.

Miss Yvonne said...

It's like I always say...a pickle in your ear is better than one in your hoo-ha.

No, I don't know why I say it. I just do.

Geesh.

Prosy said...

How can we bring this Cupcakes Across America to life? It seems like something Oprah would back. Except maybe she would feel like we were calling her fat. She's real sensitive about that. Tyra too. Lets just ask Ellen.

Larew said...

I would, like, sponsor you for Cupcakes Across America any day... just take that freakin' Poison video off! That's just too creepy!

Carolyn...Online said...

I don't think the cupcake challenge is technically a charity but more like a hobo with a sweet tooth.

TishTash said...

That Lifetime Achievement Award seems like a lot of work. You should go for the Couch Potato Award. You don't get a trophy, but you get beer. Bonus.

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