Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Parenting or What I'm Awesome At

I like when the kids are home sick and not in that weird Munchkins-by-Prosy* way or whatever... you know... like in the Sixth Sense when Dead Bruce Willis**  and the kid go to visit the barfy ghost's family during her funeral and Oh Hai! Your wife poisoned your daughter's FACE.  Yeah.. not like that. I like having them around so I can perform stunts for them and then they can rate them on a scale from 1 to 10 and usually they are too weak to protest so I'll do a pirouette and then a scissor kick and then a "ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!" shuffle and then get down on one knee and shake my hat and The Girl just kind of looks at me and blinks for a minute and then holds up the "6", which is totally unfair and I begin to protest but then she passes out from dehydration so I totally got gypped.

The other good thing about having sick kids in the house is I get phone calls from the school, asking why they didn't show up today and this is a perfect chance to practice my evasiveness techniques.  And I think it is very important to answer questions with questions because that's what psychologists do to figure out why you're 36 and still wetting the bed and crying whenever Blue's Clues comes on, or at least that's what my friend, Mike says. Yeah...Mike. Heh. Crazy bed-pissing Mike. That's what we call him.  Also I like to throw in movie catchphrases to help the caller feel topical and relevant. I'm pretty much the perfect phone interviewer. And when they ask why The Girl isn't in school I usually yell "Quid Pro Quo!" at them and then run the phone up and down the zipper of my hoodie a few times. And then I shout "These aren't the droids you're looking for!" or "Wolverines!" and then I hang up. And then I look over at the couch and The Girl is holding up the "8" card. So I know I've done well.

Well I have to keep this short because I have to supervise all the chores she's doing because if I don't then I'll find her curled up in a ball and crying on the floor and no paint ever got scraped like that, I can assure you. And also I need a nap because I just dozed off and had a dream where my school nurse tried to be friendly to a Deceptacon© and got her ass shot so that's a sure sign that this post needs to end before more hapless, under-paid school functionaries get shot by evil robots. I swear that was never my intention. I just want a car that can talk to me and solve crimes. Is that too much to ask?

*I never even thought about how Prosy has a craziness named after her but I think we can all agree that makes perfect sense. 

** I should have said "spoiler" but I didn't because everyone else always says they saw that twist coming a mile away, but I totally didn't and I'm angry that my Genius Detective School training failed me that time. Also that time when I was trying to hide from the police by dressing in drag. That only works in the movies and it is totally possible to get tasered through aWonderbra© in case you were wondering.


kmoye said...

"more than meets the eye"
which is a total transformer phrase and i thought it was appropriate thus i wrote it. it makes no sense putting it here but i had to.

HappyHourSue said...

I am laughing so hard I can't think of a comment. I have to go Twitter this post.

Vic said...

You are a master at dealing with school officials

(I'm dying to know what running the phone up and down your zipper sounds like. I don't have any zippers today. Damn.)

Anna Russell said...

When she's finished scraping paint, can you send her round her to pull up my weeds? The swim will do her a world of good.

I totally give you a 9 for your evasive quoting. You can have 10 if you fit in a line from Zombie Strippers.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Is Crazy Bed-Pissing Mike related in any way to Inappropriate Cum-Spot Jason, or Sneezed and Crapped a Little Bill?

You're like Superman and Clark Kent with all your secret aliases, only sexier and excrementier.

Soda and Candy said...

You're the best father ever. I can tell.

Kristine said...

It's like a way cooler version of Ferris Bueller. You should write the screenplay. Wait, you just DID.

Kat said...

Next time just pretend they have the wrong number in a foreign language...they love it when you do that I am told.

Wow, that was awkward said...

Sounds like your kids need to call in sick to calling in sick in order to get out of having to deal with the big daddy.

Mona Lott said...

I can't believe you only got an eight for using Hanibal! Clearly she's a very tough judge.

Miss Yvonne said...

That hat shake thing? Deserves at least a 7 all by itself. Your daughter is obviously delusional from all the dehydration and paint fumes.

Elisa said...

Damn, there goes my "use Wonderbra as protective armor" plan.

Prosy said...

Well... call me crazy, but your kids do get sick an awful lot of the time. If you're not poisoning them then you probably should take them to the doctor or something- instead of just making them run around the house wearing wool blankets to 'sweat it out' or feeding them raw eggs to 'toughin them up'

razorsandvines said...

holding up a sign

Kurt said...

@Kmoye: Obtuse pop culture phraseology is not only appreciated but encouraged. Because knowing is half the battle.

@HappyHourSue: Thanks for the pimp-age.

@Vic: I did it a few times before I wrote it to make sure it sent the right message.

@Anna: She likes pulling weeds, once they revive her, I'll send her your way.

@SMU,Kid: "excremetier" is the greatest adjective ever. Even better than "excrementiest" because that's just bragging, Yo.

@Soda: I've given myself dozens of awards. You're totally right.

@Kristine: Only instead of Cameron and his father's Ferrari there's me and my triple-Lindy handstands.

@Kat: I'll do that. Is Southern a different language? Can I tell them to "kiss my grits!"?

@Wow: "Dealing with the Big Daddy" is what my lady friends call "making whoopie". (*slide whistle*)

@Mona: She hates when I quote that movie. She heard that "Lotion" song by The Greenskeepers and hasn't been the same since.

@Miss Yvonne: I keep telling her to push through the pain. She's soft though. Blah-blah-blah 104 degree fever...I don't know. I really don't listen to her most of the time.

@Elisa: They also don't work as a parachute. Even the big ones that you stole when no one was looking.

@Prosy: The calisthenics and vit-a-mins don't seem to be working either.

@razorsandvines: Finally someone understands my genius. Or is completely insane. Win/win.

Mandy's Kidding said...

I attended my niece's high school graduation this weekend and there was a kid there who had never missed a day of school .... K-12!

Char said...

school's not out yet?

miss. chief said...

i didn't see the twist coming either in that movie, so i thought it was awesome!! and then i went ahead and "ruined the movie" for all my friends.