Monday, June 22, 2009

Nothing To Do With Blow-Js*

Father's Day this year dovetails nicely with the end of the school year and I'm not even positive what "dovetails" means, but I think I'm using it right even though it is corporate speak and that is a language that I do not miss at all, being that I was on the wrong end of a "staffing action" and if that sounds like someone being raped with a pole then yeah... that's about right. And HAHHAHAHA! look at me! I'm on the internet and complaining about being unemployed. I'm like the Neil Armstrong of hilarious blog posts. I break so much new ground, someone, preferably a bikini supermodel with a short attention span, low self-esteem, and not super good vision, should pretty much just sit behind me all day with a giant pair of scissors.

So right... Father's Day is pretty much the opposite of statutory rape, becuase instead of being arrested for having non-consensual sex with a minor because she got all stuck up at the end and said you squashed her retainer between the seats and you say "Hey! Don't get all weird! YOU had to take it out so we could eat all that Burger King©* last night!" and then the D.A. is all "blah-blah-blah... she asked you to the PROM... blah-blah... shopped at Claire's Boutique "or whatever... Anyway(s), Father's Day is opposite because instead, they give you cards and gifts for having sex with someone. And maybe you get breakfast in bed, which is totally not an option in prison unless your cell mate is feeding you his wang. (Or HER wang. I don't mean to be sexist.)

And the reason this is significant with regard to the end of school is that guess who can't sit around in their bathrobe all day and look at porn and walk around the grocery store trying samples like 15 times even though by like the third time the hat and moustache are no longer fooling the sample lady and she's all "One per customer, Sir!" which is totally another way of saying "asshole"...don't think I don't know. And then you're all "Show me where it says THAT!" because there's no sign that says "one per customer" so her legalese is just BS and then next thing you know you're running down the pet food aisle with two giant handfuls of Ranch Jalapeno Poppers and the sample tray is clanging off the floor behind you like a dime spinning in that "wha-wha-wha-wha" way that sounds like the time/space travel machine from Contact winding up and you're scarfing them down as fast as you can because that new security kid they hired sounds like he's gaining on you and you're laughing and crying at the same time and then POW! it's another talk with Officer Vance about how restraining orders are put in place for a reason and blah-blah-blah...something about deadly force next time.

Anyway(s)... Those days are over, now I have to be all upstanding and role-modeley and I'll be flying kites, and rolling that hoop with a stick, and riding around on that bike with the super tall front tire and kicking a can or whatever it is kids do now and I don't know why summer vacation makes me feel like a turn-of-the-century roustabout but it probably has to do with all the mescaline I'm on.

*This really did have nothing to do with oral sex, except maybe that prison part and that isn't very sexy. I would like to point out though, that according to the latest scientific study, blowjobs are awesome and pretty much can fix any problem anyone ever has. It's all in the report. Seriously. You can look it up if you want.

**Maybe you think this blog is endorsed by Burger King and that's why I mention them, but it totally isn't because according to their lawyers there is "too much pedophilia talk" going on in here and I don't know why they are so stuck up but it probably has to do with the Patriot Act©. Fucking Bush.


Chelle said...

If father's day is the polar opposite of statutory rape, then mother's day totally IS statutory rape.... if the mom is a teen mom.... *high 5*

Kristine said...

Those grocery store bitches. It's not like it's HER food.

ALSO: My friend and I are always joking about how the kids probably think we're so cool that we basically ride one of those bikes with the big wheel in the front and the little wheel in the back. Because it's hilarious.

But it's kinda funnier when you said it.

Mona Lott said...

My son has been off for two weeks, and I have yet to receive my penny farthing bike. Who do I have to fuck up over THIS little oversight??

miss. chief said...

i just don't get the hoop stick toy. is that fun? what do you do exactly?

oh yeah and my bus stop is across the street from a bicycle shop and there was a guy trying to learn how to ride one of those big wheel little wheel bikes. he was like "HOW DO YOU TURN?!" which was funny. but then my bus came so i never got to see him bail.

Kurt said...

@Chelle: Rape-themed high fives are how the elite spell "classy"

@Kristine: I know,right? It's not like it was HER finger I bit trying to get away. Oh wait... maybe it was.

@Mona: The Dover Boys!

@miss.chief: It's like on Deadwood when the kid was riding that bike and fell and got kicked in the head by the runaway horse and died. HAHAHAAHA! Oh wait...SPOILER!!

Char said...

the king doesn't care about the porn talk. not with his giant head and waking people in the middle of the night with airhorns

Lori said...

You said "Bush"

Prosy said...

I imagined you and your mysterious 'children' riding together on one of those three seater bikes, all wearing beanies with helicopter spinny things on top

Belle said...

I'm still not believing you are a real father. I think you just say this to get access to more kids, you filthy perverted bastard.

HappyHourSue said...

Seriously. You are so fucking funny it makes me want to give up blogging. But then i think about all the blogs out there waxing poetic about crafting ribbon and I hang in.

Still - I must tweet this post.
-your #1 fan

Soda and Candy said...

You said "Fucking Bush."

Also, you know I love ya, but you need to get that whole your/you're thing sorted, because it hurts me emotionally.

Lorena said...

Great post! I can't wait to read more!

Kurt said...

@Char: I'm too dense to get this. Sometimes my brain is like a milkshake in that it's thick and sludgy but tastes delicious.

@Prosy: My kids aren't allowed out of the steamer chest until Mid-August and by then they pretty much just want to eat. It's how I keep them from getting spoiled.

@Belle: Aw. You're so sweet!

@HappyHourSue: Thanks Sue! And every time I say that I think of Johnny Cash.

@Soda: I have no idea what your talking about. See? Get it? Because I fixed all the fuckups in the post but screwed up the comment?! Wakka-wakka-wakka! (*slide whistle*)

@Lorena: Welcome! I can't wait to say something witty back to you...more.

Soda and Candy said...


*soft-shoe routine*

kmoye said...

*wipes tears from eyes*
THAT was funny.

Ms. Salti said...

That was awesome!

Ms. Salti said...

Oh yeah, and I hope you had a Happy Father's Day!

That Baldy Fella said...

People should use the word "roustabout" more often. That is all I have to say today.

Vic said...

I think you should definitely rethink the stupid, vision-impaired supermodel sitting behind you with the giant scissors. You're just asking for reconstructive surgery.

Your title is genius marketing. Because I still think there may be a BJ story in here somewhere. I'm going to go back and look.

Merrie said...

Thanks to a boy named Su--- er, Happy Hour Sue, I am here. And I will be back. Oh yes.

Miss Yvonne said...

I'm pretty sure my husband read that report too, because he's all "The best present ever is a blow job" and I'm all "Again? I just did that last year!".

Stupid Father's Day.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Agreeing with Vic. Genius title. I'm gonna hop on board and name my next post, "Maybe all about my hard glistening nipples, maybe not." and then it'll just be a video of my dog's anal gland exploding.

I'm trying to alienate both men AND women, and bring my readership down to zero, is what I'm saying.

This post is going in my top ten file. Bravo, bub.

Kurt said...

@kmoye: Thanks for reading. You're probably smarter now according to my research.

@Ms. Salti: I did have a Happy Father's Day, and by "Happy Father's Day" I mean a "rum and coke".

@Baldy: I think you've said quite enough, rapscallion.

@Vic: There's alway a BJ in here somewhere. Usually in between the liquor and tears though.

@Merrie: Welcome! Glad you could make it.

@Miss Yvonne: Did he declare his "first night" rights like in "Braveheart"? I used to do that. I'd stand on the end of the mattress in a kilt and shout "Prima Nocte!" and then I would usually get kicked in the balls.

@SMU, Kid: A top tenner! Wo0t W0ot! I rule. (*runs around in a circle with champion arms until I pass out*)

Pop and Ice said...

You used the word *dovetail* and you used it properly! You have won my heart....

Cynthia said...

What could be more fun than kicking a can? All these kids with their video games are missing out bigtime.

And a real actual Happy Day After Father's Day to you Kurt. (Because despite all the pedophile jokes and bathrobe comments I know that you are a very good Dad.)

Cassie said...

Wow. This made my day, I'm glad I stopped by :)