So right... Father's Day is pretty much the opposite of statutory rape, becuase instead of being arrested for having non-consensual sex with a minor because she got all stuck up at the end and said you squashed her retainer between the seats and you say "Hey! Don't get all weird! YOU had to take it out so we could eat all that Burger King©* last night!" and then the D.A. is all "blah-blah-blah... she asked you to the PROM... blah-blah... shopped at Claire's Boutique "or whatever... Anyway(s), Father's Day is opposite because instead, they give you cards and gifts for having sex with someone. And maybe you get breakfast in bed, which is totally not an option in prison unless your cell mate is feeding you his wang. (Or HER wang. I don't mean to be sexist.)
And the reason this is significant with regard to the end of school is that guess who can't sit around in their bathrobe all day and look at porn and walk around the grocery store trying samples like 15 times even though by like the third time the hat and moustache are no longer fooling the sample lady and she's all "One per customer, Sir!" which is totally another way of saying "asshole"...don't think I don't know. And then you're all "Show me where it says THAT!" because there's no sign that says "one per customer" so her legalese is just BS and then next thing you know you're running down the pet food aisle with two giant handfuls of Ranch Jalapeno Poppers and the sample tray is clanging off the floor behind you like a dime spinning in that "wha-wha-wha-wha" way that sounds like the time/space travel machine from Contact winding up and you're scarfing them down as fast as you can because that new security kid they hired sounds like he's gaining on you and you're laughing and crying at the same time and then POW! it's another talk with Officer Vance about how restraining orders are put in place for a reason and blah-blah-blah...something about deadly force next time.
Anyway(s)... Those days are over, now I have to be all upstanding and role-modeley and I'll be flying kites, and rolling that hoop with a stick, and riding around on that bike with the super tall front tire and kicking a can or whatever it is kids do now and I don't know why summer vacation makes me feel like a turn-of-the-century roustabout but it probably has to do with all the mescaline I'm on.
*This really did have nothing to do with oral sex, except maybe that prison part and that isn't very sexy. I would like to point out though, that according to the latest scientific study, blowjobs are awesome and pretty much can fix any problem anyone ever has. It's all in the report. Seriously. You can look it up if you want.
**Maybe you think this blog is endorsed by Burger King and that's why I mention them, but it totally isn't because according to their lawyers there is "too much pedophilia talk" going on in here and I don't know why they are so stuck up but it probably has to do with the Patriot Act©. Fucking Bush.