Monday, June 1, 2009

The List is LIfe. (With Important Pimpy Update!)

If I had to pick the greatest thing about me, it would be a very difficult challenge and that's like asking what is the best part of sex, and don't everyone  just jump up and shout "Orgasm! Orgasm!" and then run around in circles wooting like a bunch of horny chimpanzees, because that's the obvious answer and this isn't Family Feud and also shouting "Orgasm! Orgasm!" in the middle of a crowded restaurant is a bad idea because maybe that wine steward had no idea you were a spaz and when you knocked him over he chipped a tooth on that bottle of "Two Buck Chuck" you sent him for. Asshole. Not you... you're nice. I meant him. Him and his pussy tooth.

Where was I?

Right. The best thing about me. Well I'd like to get deeper than just my ravishing ...

Hattori Hanzo: What are you doing?
Me: I'm writing about the best thing about me.
Hattori Hanzo: ... Seriously.
Me: I know, right? It's like the riddle of the Sphinx.
Hattori Hanzo: No. It's not. The greatest thing about you is that you're a jackass who doesn't know when to shut up.
Me: That wasn't even ON the list I had made up!
Hattori Hanzo: Let me see that.
Me: Don't crinkle it...historians may want that someday. Or maybe a documentary filmmaker.
Hattori Hanzo: "Can beat up a shark even after it bites one of my hands off"?
Me: That was more of a "In theory" characteristic.
Hattori Hanzo: "Can totally turn women on by saying the word 'oligarchy' and winking provocatively."? That was a fluke. And besides, let's see you wink provocatively.
Me: (*winks provocatively*)
Hattori Hanzo: Yeah. That's what I thought. It looks like your expecting someone to throw you a fish and then you'll clap your flippers or play a tune with your nose on the carefully set up rack of horns in front of you or something. 
Me: Nuh-uh. That was super-provocative. Maybe you missed it. (*winks provocatively*)
Hattori Hanzo: No,no. I saw it. Drool a little less maybe and don't roll your eyes back.
Me: That's what makes it sexy, duh.
Hattori Hanzo: "Can turn into a half-bat / half-yeti hybrid and solve crimes."?
Me: What? I can!
Hattori Hanzo: That was a dream you had last night.
Me: No, it wasn't! Those Alpine hikers were so glad to see me they gave me a jar full of their frozen-off toes!
Hattori Hanzo: That was pretend. I can't read any more of these. 
Me: See?! There's too many awesome things about me! How will I ever pick?
Hattori Hanzo: You'll think of something.
Me: (*winks provocatively*) Your Mom thinks of something!
Hattori Hanzo: I don't think it's necessary to point at your crotch and then spin around 3 times either, when you  wink provocatively.
Me: You're not the boss of me! Diplomatic Immunity!!

UPDATE: Hey remember that hysterical Article I wrote about Genghis Khan on Mama Pop? No?  That's because you're a dink and didn't read it yet. Here's the link. Dink.


Kristine said...

You can drool and wink at the same time?! Impressive.

Also, your latest follower is an ass. With exposed pussy.

TrodoMcCracken said...

Both you and Hanzo are bat shit crazy.

Lana said...

the best thing about you might be that you can make an awesome list despite the fact that your inner voice doubts you.

Mona Lott said...

He is dead fucking wrong! It is ABSOLUTELY necessary to spin around three times and point at your crotch while winking provocatively!

I suggest you also add a sort of primal scream, WHO style. While pointing.

Pearl said...

As has been documented -- by me, of course -- I love a winking man.

There should be more winking. And list-making.

Best thing about me? I have awesome posture. Seriously.


Anna Russell said...

Those Alpine hikers were totally real - I saw them wandering about toeless when I went to buy milk (ok, beer) earlier.

Hi HH! *winks*

Yeah, that's how you do it.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I always get yeti, sherpa, and doula mixed up. If you turn into a half bat/half baby home-birth facilitator, then that should go straight to the top of your list.

Soda and Candy said...

*rendered speechless by provocative winking*

*looks for smelling salts*

*wonders what the fuck smelling salts are and what they smell like*

Miss Yvonne said...

The Captain winked provocatively at me on our first date and I slept with him on the second date, so I'm here to tell you the wink does work. Suck it, Hattori.

Also, your mom's a dink.

Kristine said...

Rats. I thought the awesome update was going to be about the ass.

Captain Dumbass said...

Somehow I don't think Miss Yvonne was talking about me, which is disappointing.

I like to point at my crotch and spin around until I get dizzy and fall down. Whoever comes to my rescue is the WINNER!

Wow, that was awkward said...

I like how you think people read your blog while in crowded restaurants drinking wine. Wait, do they?

Kurt said...

@Kristine: I can drool and wink at the same time. I just tried. That got a funny look from the mailman.

@Trodo: I'm blushing.

@Lana: He's a total naysayer so I've learned to ignore him. Like the time he said I shouldn't photocopy my junk and post it allover town like a missing cat poster.

@Mona: I just tried that. Now I have a sore throat and the cops are on the way.

@Pearl: You can always trust a man who winks. That's in the Bible.

@Anna: Hattori is wandering around and muttering about Haggis. What did you do to him that weekend?

@SMU, Kid: I always get Sherpa and herpes mixed up. Messed up my Himalayan Vacation really bad.

@Soda: My mom had smelling salts in our cabinet when I was a kid and I tried them once. Just imagine being punched in the bridge of the nose by a jalapeno. That's the sensation.

@Miss Yvonne: Your Mom winks on the first date. With her vagina.

@Also Kristine: I don't know how the ass is, but they are very welcome as pseudo-porn in my life.

@Cap'n Dumbass: I tried that but "the winner" ended up being the paramedics because I cracked my skull open on the coffee table.

@Wow: I imagine people reading my blog everywhere. I also imagine that there is a naked gymnast in my bed every night. So far no luck.

Vic said...

"Those Alpine hikers were so glad to see me they gave me a jar full of their frozen-off toes!"

So that's where they get Vienna sausages from.

Betsey Booms said...

I have not heard anyone use dink since...

Well, since the last time I used it which was totally at least 4 years ago.

Bringing dink back, like it should have never gone to begin with.