Beware my wrath.
The thing I was trying to be all clever about was firing my therapist for being too nosy and asking too many questions like "Will you please put down that letter opener and stop holding it over your head and screaming "By the power of Greyskull!!" because that's totally not working?" and "Why do you feel the need to let the air out of the principle's tires? You do know you haven't been in school in 20 years, right?" and to that I always reply "Quid Pro Quo!" and then I flip the couch in anger and then he tells me I'm not allowed to have any more coffee even though I'm totally parched from all the couch flipping. So obviously he should be fired. That guy is not the kind of professional I need.
I think the kind of professional I need is a wrestler, because I am hard pressed to think of any personal or emotional problem I have that can't be fixed with an appropriately timed suplex. And I think the pro wrestler I want is Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, because unlike Hulk Hogan who has gotten even richer by breeding retards, Superfly has lived a quiet life out of the spotlight* and that's the type of humility I would like to see rewarded. So when I'm anxious because the rent is due, I will just send him over to figure-four leglock a small extension out of the landlord. And if the neighbor won't stop letting his dog poop in my lawn then guess what? Pile driver into the sidewalk. And if I wake up and feel depressed because my life is in utter shambles than I am only one sleeper hold away from forgetting all my troubles. That's way better than therapy. Plus Jimmy "Superfly" Snooka is a vegetarian** and probably doesn't eat that much so he will be a welcome addition to my house so long as he cleans the sink out after shaving.
*And by "out of the spotlight" I mean "still wrestling because who the fuck would've guessed that." Stupid facts. Always Effing up my blog. He is on the WWE apparently all the time still. But I'm sure he's super-humble and more than happy to help me sort out my issues. He also loves puppies and moonlit walks on the beach holding hands. And Superfly Splashing any sand hoboes we run into. True fact!
** Completely made this up. Like ZERO research was done on this. You know what is just as likely to be factual? Pretty much anything you say out loud at anytime. Even drunk. It's this kind of thing that keeps me connected to the common people. We are one. Like in the Lion King. Only you're the Crazy monkey in the tree and I'm...fuck this metaphor.