Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka > Therapy

I was trying to think of something clever to post and I came really close so you should totally be proud of me, but I didn't, butI believe it's the thought that counts, and if you don't like it then I guess this is where we part ways, except I'm writing for free on the internet, so you can pretty much come back anytime and my threats are totally empty. Except the one about photoshopping your head onto an eel. I will totally do that.

Beware my wrath.

The thing I was trying to be all clever about was firing my therapist for being too nosy and asking too many questions like "Will you please put down that letter opener and stop holding it over your head and screaming "By the power of Greyskull!!" because that's totally not working?" and "Why do you feel the need to let the air out of the principle's tires? You do know you haven't been in school in 20 years, right?" and to that I always reply "Quid Pro Quo!" and then I flip the couch in anger and then he tells me I'm not allowed to have any more coffee even though I'm totally parched from all the couch flipping. So obviously he should be fired. That guy is not the kind of professional I need.

I think the kind of professional I need is a wrestler, because I am hard pressed to think of any personal or emotional problem I have that can't be fixed with an appropriately timed suplex. And I think the pro wrestler I want is Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, because unlike Hulk Hogan who has gotten even richer by breeding retards, Superfly has lived a quiet life out of the spotlight* and that's the type of humility I would like to see rewarded. So when I'm anxious because the rent is due, I will just send him over to figure-four leglock a small extension out of the landlord. And if the neighbor won't stop letting his dog poop in my lawn then guess what? Pile driver into the sidewalk. And if I wake up and feel depressed because my life is in utter shambles than I am only one sleeper hold away from forgetting all my troubles. That's way better than therapy. Plus Jimmy "Superfly" Snooka is a vegetarian** and probably doesn't eat that much so he will be a welcome addition to my house so long as he cleans the sink out after shaving.

Whatdya Mean they cancelled "The Unusuals"? Snuka? Sort this out for me.


*And by "out of the spotlight" I mean "still wrestling because who the fuck would've guessed that." Stupid facts. Always Effing up my blog. He is on the WWE apparently all the time still. But I'm sure he's super-humble and more than happy to help me sort out my issues. He also loves puppies and moonlit walks on the beach holding hands. And Superfly Splashing any sand hoboes we run into. True fact!

** Completely made this up. Like ZERO research was done on this. You know what is just as likely to be factual? Pretty much anything you say out loud at anytime. Even drunk. It's this kind of thing that keeps me connected to the common people. We are one. Like in the Lion King. Only you're the Crazy monkey in the tree and I'm...fuck this metaphor.

18 comments:

expateek said...

Not meaning to quibble, but you should remember the principle that the principal is your pal. Maybe he won't be so irritated about the tires if you spell his title right.

And yes, I was the really irritating one in [your mom's!] English class.

expateek said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Carolyn...Online said...

Please don't ever let facts get in the way of your posts. Thank you.

Mona Lott said...

You sound like even more fun than Tony Soprano in terms of therapy behavior. And that's pretty much super human or something.

I would want Stone Cold to be my therapist wrestler. Since we're talking about that... And I don't know if I should be proud or ashamed that I understood all the wrestling talk, and have totally put someone in the figure 4. He started it!

I was digging The Unusuals, so it's pretty much my fault it got canceled.

miss. chief said...

yeah, well i think a human head on an eel would be much more attractive than an eel head.
they be smilin' all the time like a creep.

TrodoMcCracken said...

Reading your blog is like watching a reality television show. You see the people all happy and merry and you sort of start to kind of like them but then they pull out the alcohol and starting knocking it back at an alarming rate and they get sloppier and sloppier and eventually turn into a drunken trainwreck and you think "hey, someone should stop these people" but no one does because like a trainwreck no one can look away until it's crashed and hundreds of people are left bloody and ripped apart on the rocks.

Your blog is kind of like that.

The Jules said...

He's a prfessional so you would still have to pay for his services.

What if you could only afford a quarter-nelson?

Kurt said...

@Exptateek: Hey! Remember that post I wrote a while back where I gave a shit about spelling, grammar, sentence structure, adverb clauses,dangling participles, and sentence fragments? Yeah. Me neither.

@Carolyn: I am committed to bending reality to suit my needs. I'm pretty much a superhero.

@Mona: I haven't watched wrestling since college so it's good to hear it translates over time. Like dick jokes...universally admired.

@miss.chief: I just thought about an eel head on a human and peed my pants...I mean...got furious and angry.

@Trodo: (*wiping tear*) Oh..You!

@The Jules: I can only afford a 2/5ths Nelson. Which is like...just one of the twins without their glorious white manes. Give it to me good.

Char said...

I think you said factual so you can whip out "and that's the facts jack" later on down the line.

Vic said...

I had a sudden mental image of you holding hands with "Superfly" Snooka on the beach in the moonlight, and suddenly I got all sentimental and weepy again.

It's just so beautiful.

Also, I could have sworn you signed your comment on my post this morning "Hug not Jugs". I looked twice. It still makes sense though.

Walter said...

Can I borrow Superfly on the evenings when the dentist who lives below me revs his motorcycle for thrity minutes so he can pretend he's nto a dentist? He needs to be stopped, and Superfly is the man to do it.

Wow, that was awkward said...

I always figure if its in writing, it must be true. You wrote it. So I believe everything you say. Plus I don't want to be an eel's head.

Soda and Candy said...

THIS is how I find out The Unusuals got cancelled?

I... just don't know if I can live in this world any more. Lucky I have a spare fantasy one.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Oh my God. 2/5ths Nelson. Glorious white manes. That's so funny I can't get my laugh out. I'm in a laugh coma. It's just a hot white ball in my chest, and when it finally makes its way up it might not even be a laugh. I might vomit.

Yeah, it's vomit. *ties on bib*

Kurt said...

@Char: Well if I can't use THAT line then I pretty much suck.

@Vic: I wish I had signed it like that. It's poignant and topical. Like herpes.

@Walter: Absolutely. Someone has to teach fucking dentists what's what.

@Wow: You just got an eel head exemption. I was going to make a certificate, but then I sneezed and forgot.

@Soda: I should pretty much be your go to for disappointment. I'm the Charles Kuralt of Pedophilia.

@SMU, Kid: Thank God someone got that. It was like punching a shark in the nose and hoping that was not for bears.

Harna said...

Um, hello? No guy ever cleans out the sink after he shaves. It was a nice dream though...

Dana's Brain said...

Wait - you mean everything I read on the internet isn't true? Shit.

Miss Yvonne said...

Is it bad that I can't stop staring at Superfly's teeny tiny nipples?

Nah, I didn't think so.