Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I'm So Worldly It's Ridiculous

So I decided to watch BBC World News last night because that's the best way to feel superior I think, and everytime I listen to people with British accents talking about what is happening in the EU I pretty much become James Bond. And I don't mean the cranky Daniel Craig one who is all punches and almost no Pussy Galore, I mean the Sean Connery one with waves of monkey-like chest hair and badly-fitting shorts.

And the announcer guy is talking about pounds and bangers-and-mash and lorries or whatever, but I'm not really paying attention because I'm trying to see his teeth... because I'm an asshole that's why. But his teeth are unspectacular in their normalcy so I go back to half-watching the news I don't care about and here's the part where I saw a funny story that I can relate to you and you'll be all "Oh Kurt! Without your tough but fair observations of the human condition to add humor to my day where would I be?" and then I would be all "Oh stop! We both know you'd be dead." and then we'd both laugh and I would drop a wink to the camera, and then the credits would roll. But I didn't actual see anything interesting except a guy sweeping up after an election celebration in Greece and I'm all "Is that even still a country?" and that isn't even a little bit interesting because it's not like the guy was sweeping up the heads of executed revolutionaries or anything. It was just papers. What a gyp.

So as you may or may not have guessed I don't have anything to write about this morning because of uncooperative Greeks and while I was watching I fell asleep on top of the half-empty package of dry ramen noodles I was eating, and when I woke up I had crazy ramen noodle dunes in my cheek skin and I felt like I had been drugged because I don't think you are supposed to eat all 10 spicy chicken flavor packets in one go or else your body will try to reject all your organs at once.

I'm not sure that's what happened. That's just my medical opinion. Also, I ran out of expired cat anti-depressants last week and started taking Tic-Tacs© instead, and I'm not sure they are having the desired effect on my psyche but at least I've stopped spending my whole day watching birds in the window and instead just want to bludgeon everyone I see with the business end of a plastic lightsaber.

19 comments:

Logical Libby said...

My husband likes to watch the BBC to see "what the rest of the world thinks is news." I like to use that hour to drink uninterrupted and look at celebrity gossip.

Vic said...

Oh Kurt! Without your tough but fair observations of the human condition to add humor to my day where would I be?

I rely on you for your balanced treatment of the events that shape our times.

Also, lightsabers are the new "in" thing, worn attached to your belt loop like a giant 1990's cell phone. At least this is what my students say.

Char said...

I think I had a thought but I could be wrong

That Baldy Fella said...

BBC World - see, I bet you thought Bill Gates or Rupert Murdoch owned the world but it's actually the good old cosy BBC. Chin chin!

Soda and Candy said...

Child, please. BBC America news is just the American news with a few "chaps" and "jolly good"s thrown in.

Maelstrom said...

I wonder if your hillbilly neighbors also watch the BBC.

Miss Yvonne said...

So I came over to write your blog post like you asked me to, but the password you gave me isn't working. So ummmmm....were you just kidding about that or were you serious and then realized the folly of giving me your password and quickly changed it before I could get over here?

I already have a title and everything...The Hand That Karate Chops The Cradle.

Maelstrom said...

Weird, I can't get in either Kurt. The title of my post for you is "How to train eels for fun and profit!"

Prosy said...

I don't know, I felt like Daniel craig's shorts were ill fitting too. If length counts as part of fit

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

If James bond were written by a married woman, Pussy Galore would have been named Pussy in Reasonable Amounts, or Pussy When She Feels Like It.

or Pussy Get The Hell Off Me

or Pussy Irreconcilable Differences

Mona Lott said...

Damn those uncooperative Greeks! You didn't let them stop you though.

Kurt 1/Greeks 0

Cynthia said...

So a guy in Greece is sweeping? Cool, now I'm all caught up on my world events.

I'd like to give special comment recognition to Steam Me Up, Kid.

Harna said...

I would also like to bludgeon everyone with a plastic lightsaber. Sounds fun.

uncouthheathen said...

We have some extra cat prozac - chicken flavor! - if you're interested.

The Jules said...

Bangers and mash is so old fashioned. We call them snorkers and spuds now. Or minced-meat filled offal tubes and crushed tubers.

Anna Russell said...

Damned Greeks. I don't even know what they're doing in the EU with their things that they do that are Greek. I bet it was them who finished the cat pills.

Captain Dumbass said...

BBC has some hawt reporters and doesn't make me feel like gouging out my fucking eyes like CNN. Still, they need to talk less about Europe.

Maelstrom said...

I hope you're not dead.

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