Thursday, June 25, 2009

I'm the Matt Damon of Stripper Poles

I made the mistake of watching The Departed again recently and so now when I walk around the apartment mumbling to myself, which is pretty much every second of my life, I'm saying everything in a badly overdone Boston accent and I'm calling everything "a qweah" or "retahded" and that is not only insensitive but also annoying because maybe the front door has gay feelings but was trying to sort them out and that's why it got stuck and not because it is being beligerent. I don't know what the door's problem was, but I called it "a qweah lace curtain motherEffer" anyway(s), and that was totally not nice and also I'm not even sure what that means because if I had to hump your mom and there were lace curtains up, I would think that she was being very thoughtful and fancy and that maybe I should be wearing a monocle as I violated her. Because that's the kind of gentle, thoughtful lover I am.

I am always willing to crack out the monocle and tophat when things get fancy. Like when my brother shows up for zombie movie day and insists that I "at least put on some underwear for Christ's sake" and then I realize it's going to be a fancy day and then POW! Monocle and tophat and cane. And then he's all "Seriously, Man. Cover your shit." And then I'm all "Don't be retahded!" and I break into a dance number from Chicago and then I hurt myself. Those $1 "exercise poles" they sell with that Flirty Girl Fitness© Video I bought found are not as sturdy as they look, especially when they are only attached to the ceiling with your son's forgotten-about Silly Putty©. I think Silly Putty© misrepresents itself because even though it never claims to be an industrial adhesive, I think we can all agree that pulling pictures off the newspaper pretty much implies that.

Silly Putty© is such a feckin qweah.

Also retahded is Flirty Girl Fitness© because no matter how many lapdances I give to the kids I can't seem to lose a single pound, and that means trouble because how else am I going to ever be a stripper with a heart of gold if my halter top won't even cover my belly? That's pretty much the Riddle of the Sphinx around here this summer.


Char said...

I use bannisters - they are so much more sturdy

Miss Yvonne said...

How many google searches did you do for "stripper pole" before you found this video?

Also, my mom says thanks for wearing the monocle last night. It made your violation seem extra fancy this time.

erin said...

After I watched The Departed I talked like that for a long long time. I'm pretty sure my friends and family were about to strangle me, or at least give me a swift punch to the throat so I couldn't butcher the english language any longer.

Mona Lott said...


That video WAS fackin retahded, though.

Mona Lott said...

This may, in fact, be my favorite post ever.

Lori said...

Thanks for the head's up, because I also (paid) bought paid for that DVD. I bet I can return it ar I never opened it.

And you ah the retahd.

Lori said...

Fuck words and sentences are hard.

It should be return it AS I never opened it.

Go ahead, mock.

Soda and Candy said...

Pass thah chowdah!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Lapdances for kids is good practice, but very much a win/lose situation. They get your manglorious ball slaps and Jai Ho high kicks and what do you get in return? Geode fragments tucked into your thong, that's what. Cheap bastards.

Vic said...

You ah wicked smaht, except for the Silly Putty© mistake. Rookie. Hubba Bubba© will hold a stripper pole steady for everything but a full hang.

Sass Pizzazz said...

Lace curtain monocle sex is every fancy gentle-lady's secret fantasy. The fact that you've realized this when so many other men are clueless is the reason why you get to be with all the bikini ninja supermodels. Congratulations!

Kurt said...

@Char: That's a good tip except I thought you said "barrister" and tried to pole dance on my lawyer. Like that guy's life doesn't suck enough.

@Miss Yvonne: Your Mom was a real lady, unlike my hand who is a total bitch.

@erin: You know who DOESN'T talk like that after that movie? Communists. That's who.

@MOna: Oh YOU!

@Soda: That's what she said!

@SMU, Kid: Kids are cheap. But not if you get sued for the wrongful death of one. Sheesh!

@Vic: I tried Big League Chew© also, but it only works for keeping coffin lids closed apparently.

@Sass Pizzazz: I knew I deserved it for some reason.

Captain Dumbass said...

Stay away from my mom you monocle wearin bahstad!

Janine said...

Actually it's pronounced "a qweah lace curtain motha-Effa"

For fun, add extra syllables to everything. For instance the word fire becomes Fi-ah.

That out to keep you out of trouble for a while.

The Peach Tart said...

I just found your site. Very clever. I've got my pole super glued in. I'm getting to old to be falling off stripper poles.