Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I Love It When A Plan...Never Mind

I had this awesome idea for a post and it pretty much made you all laugh so hard that I became a genius superhero and no longer had to worry about all the not work I've been doing because someone would definitely be willing to pay me to write for them on account of how terribly funny I am and kids would ask me for autographs and I would give them even though I was having a nice dinner with my girlfriend, the supermodel gymnast nymphomaniac, and I would only sort of shoot them a dirty look before the words of my publicist would come ringing in my ears and remind me "Try not to be a cock." and maybe I would pat them on the head and people observing from a distance would think that was a cute gesture, but up close the kid would see that I was annoyed and not smiling at all, but barring my teeth at him like a grizzly bear or Gary Busey.

And then I would throw my head back and fake laugh and then the A-team would crash through the restaurant window because I've always wanted that to happen during a fancy dinner because I tire quickly of hearing about all my legal issues and can't they work out a simple restraining order without me? They're polar bears, and I don't want them anywhere near me. Case closed. Your witness. Sheesh...if only I had studied Arctic Maritime Carnivore Law like Dad had wanted.

Anyway(s), the A-team would crash in and Hannibal would be all "I love it when a plan comes together." and I'd be all "Fuck yeah, George Peppard!" and then he'd be all "Kid. You got a funny blog." and I'd be all "Thanks. You made me think I could shoot things to solve problems as a child and that no matter how many bullets came out of a gun no one would ever get hurt, and then I shot my cousin in the face with an air rifle because he was using all the blue Lego© and he definitely got hit so that was a valuable lesson. Thank you." and then he would wink because he's so bad-ass, and then Mr. T would be pitying the fool and Dirk Benedict, which is such a porn name I can't even stand it, would say something slimy and oil-covered and then Murdoch would be OFF THE HOOK wacky! because that's how crazy people are, not scary and sad like you thought and then we'd all laugh HAHAHAHAAHAHA! That was the best dinner ever.

But I forgot the idea. So you get this instead. Sorry.


Maelstrom said...

You should have shot him with a watermelon cannon, that would have been a much better lesson.

Lorena said...

I hate when I forget something....And I seem to do it at least once a week!

Post It notes are our friends :)

ps. I love your blog!

Chelle said...

If someone would have said, "I love your blog" ten years ago, I'd have either asked them out or punched them in the throat.

Kristine said...

Yikes, Gary Busey.

That video is freaking awesome. I should've given THAT to my husband for Father's Day instead of one of our kids! Maybe he would've actually teared up a little.

Miss Yvonne said...

I forgive you for forgetting your idea, but only because you wrote "Mr. T would be pitying the fool" which is pretty much the best catch phrase ever invented in the history of tv.

I am pitying the fool all over this bitch.

Mona Lott said...

That really is a choice porn name.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Why is that slideshow montage making me sad? I feel like I'm at some kind of graduation, and Mr.T and Murdoch are going off to different schools but even though they know how very far apart they will be, it will help to know they'll both be wishing on that same bright staaaaaarrrrr!!!

Oh Jesus. Here come the waterworks.

Sass Pizzazz said...

"Try not to be a cock" was actually my New Year's resolution, and it's really been harder than it ought to be, considering I don't even *have* one. (A cock.)

This blog entry is obviously the universe's (and/or Mr. T's) way of reminding me to stick with it! Thanks, universe! (And/or Mr. T.) (And/or Kurt.)

Kurt said...

@Maelstrom: I can fix anything with fast moving fruit. That's what she said?

@Lorena: Thanks! And Welcome! The blog told me it is quite fond of you as well. Maybe you should swap numbers.

@Chelle: I would have assumed they were hitting on me. And rightly so.

@Kristine: Yeah that video is like "Cats in the Cradle" to most men in their mid thirties.

@Miss Yvonne: I still like "That's what She said" but "I pity the fool" is right up there.

@Mona: It's not as good as "Mona Lott"

@SMU, Kid: That is why you are so special. You understand the love, where others just see gold chains and bad acting.

@Sass: "Try not to be a cock" is also my theme song.

Belle said...

Oh I LOVE it! Anyway(s)... You brilliant evil genius you(s).

p.s. Gary Busey is a major cock.

Vic said...

I have had nightmares featuring Gary Busey. His teeth alone terrify me.

Does your girlfriend wear a leotard at dinner? It would be handy if she could do a few quick backflips to distract the autograph hounds while you slipped out the back door. Give it some thought.

Prosy said...

Gary Busey is the scariest motherfucker ever. Did you watch celebrity fitclub? He almost hit the snapple lady! scary.

Soda and Candy said...

At first I was all scared because of Gary Busey, and then the whole OH MY GOD, I JUST REALIZED STARBUCK IS FACE! revelation happened.