But I'm back now from my adventure of a lifetime that featured pirates, and a wild assortment of wrap sandwiches and maybe some accidental crotch-kneeing that totally didn't need that big windup, but I'm okay because a real man can look fear in the eyes. And then that man sometimes has to ball up on the ground and clutch his junk and make weird little whimpering "Mek.Mek.Mek." noises. It's the nature of war. And love, for that matter.
But now that my adventure is over I'm feeling a little blue (BALLS!!! HA-cha-cha-cha!!! -ed.) and so I went to the grocery store to find some comfort in my old friend Food, and you might think that is an unhealthy way to fight depression, but in reality most psychiatrists agree* that effective dieting can have a significant impact on a person's mental state. Unless that person is fucking crazy.
So I'm at the store trying to think of a food that matches my sad, and it turns out the first thing I can come up with is fish sticks, because nothing says "I'm a lonely, lonely man with no one to watch out for me, and I live by myself and yeah maybe this bathrobe could use a washing but mind your own business." like fish sticks.
If fish sticks were a kid, he'd be the one who never has his lunch money and always has to have the school-mandated ham and cheese on white bread sandwich and the ham is always damp and the cheese is fluorescent orange and that kid has a little too much dirt under his fingernails, and maybe teachers walk past him and just want to give him a hug and say "There, There, Fish sticks." but they can't because of the administration's stringent "no touching" policy. So fish sticks grows up unloved and when he grows up...BAM! Serial killer. I hope your happy, School Administration.
If Fish Sticks were a musical, they would be "Little Orphan Annie" and right at the part where Annie has to go back to the orphanage because of Tim Curry kidnapping her or whatever, the theater burns down.
If fish sticks were a telegram, it would say "Mother would like you to know you are adopted.Stop. Were an AIDS baby.Stop. Also just put dog down. Stop."
So I buy the fish sticks and POW! I still feel sad, but now it's okay because I did it on purpose and when I make them for myself I don't even turn them into delicious sandwiches, but just dip them into a blob of lite mayo, and as I eat them I cry a little and wonder where it all went wrong and then I realize it was probably right around the time I stopped using plates because having a big plop of mayo on your knee and dipping fish sticks into it is just gross. Also mayo and leg hair does not mix. That's an important culinary tip from me to you.
*I made up this fact, but that doesn't make it UNtrue. It makes it a hypothesis. And I'm sorry if you don't like the science, but it all adds up, so you can put that in your pipe and smoke it. Your witness.