Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Depression Fish Sticks

So you've probably been wondering where I've been, because I'm that big of an egotist to think you noticed I was gone and Hey! Guess what? I don't blame you. I mean... I sort of blame you in that whole handsome genius celebrity vs. reader of handsome genius celebrity way but that's really not fair and I think we can all agree that all we are saying is give peace a chance.

But I'm back now from my adventure of a lifetime that featured pirates, and a wild assortment of wrap sandwiches and maybe some accidental crotch-kneeing that totally didn't need that big windup, but I'm okay because a real man can look fear in the eyes. And then that man sometimes has to ball up on the ground and clutch his junk and make weird little whimpering "Mek.Mek.Mek." noises. It's the nature of war. And love, for that matter.

But now that my adventure is over I'm feeling a little blue (BALLS!!! HA-cha-cha-cha!!! -ed.) and so I went to the grocery store to find some comfort in my old friend Food, and you might think that is an unhealthy way to fight depression, but in reality most psychiatrists agree* that effective dieting can have a significant impact on a person's mental state. Unless that person is fucking crazy.

So I'm at the store trying to think of a food that matches my sad, and it turns out the first thing I can come up with is fish sticks, because nothing says "I'm a lonely, lonely man with no one to watch out for me, and I live by myself and yeah maybe this bathrobe could use a washing but mind your own business." like fish sticks.

If fish sticks were a kid, he'd be the one who never has his lunch money and always has to have the school-mandated ham and cheese on white bread sandwich and the ham is always damp and the cheese is fluorescent orange and that kid has a little too much dirt under his fingernails, and maybe teachers walk past him and just want to give him a hug and say "There, There, Fish sticks." but they can't because of the administration's stringent "no touching" policy. So fish sticks grows up unloved and when he grows up...BAM! Serial killer. I hope your happy, School Administration.

If Fish Sticks were a musical, they would be "Little Orphan Annie" and right at the part where Annie has to go back to the orphanage because of Tim Curry kidnapping her or whatever, the theater burns down.

If fish sticks were a telegram, it would say "Mother would like you to know you are adopted.Stop. Were an AIDS baby.Stop. Also just put dog down. Stop."

So I buy the fish sticks and POW! I still feel sad, but now it's okay because I did it on purpose and when I make them for myself I don't even turn them into delicious sandwiches, but just dip them into a blob of lite mayo, and as I eat them I cry a little and wonder where it all went wrong and then I realize it was probably right around the time I stopped using plates because having a big plop of mayo on your knee and dipping fish sticks into it is just gross. Also mayo and leg hair does not mix. That's an important culinary tip from me to you.

*I made up this fact, but that doesn't make it UNtrue. It makes it a hypothesis. And I'm sorry if you don't like the science, but it all adds up, so you can put that in your pipe and smoke it. Your witness.


Kristine said...

Shit, I've been worried sick. Literally. I have a cold now. So thanks for that.

But things are looking up. You've just landed a role in my new reality show. Sure, it lacks production, money, and "reality" but these things come with time.

I've recently rekindled my romance with fish sticks, by the way. I read somewhere that they're Dr. Phil-approved.

Sass Pizzazz said...

Oh... well, this is awkward. I kind of... already held a memorial service for you because I thought you were dead? Don't worry though, it wasn't anything elaborate, just an intimate goat sacrifice and then we released some doves that had 'Kurt' written on their wings in black magic marker. I'm sure it's not legally binding. Anyway, thank God you're alive! With fish sticks!

Mona Lott said...

I really was about to gather a search party! I already started the "Where The Hell Has Apathy Gone?!" blog. *delete* (So in a fun twist, I'm now somewhat annoyed with you for popping back up before it was finished) (Not really.)

Um... Fish sticks really are just about the most depressing food I can think of. THE SMELL!!!!!!!!

"Glad" yer back!!

Maelstrom said...

I'm glad you're not dead.

That Baldy Fella said...

Oh, you're alive. Ah, we kind of divided up parts of your blog between us cause we all figured you'd been killed in some sort ninja/pirate-related sexual misadventure.

Still, good to know you're OK. Good to know.

Erm, do you want the bits about dinosaurs back? 'Cause I kind of took those.

Anna Russell said...

I was just going to send you a Facebook message asking where the hell you'd gotten to, so thanks for saving me the time because I might have forgotten and then I'd have felt all guilty if something had actually happened to you.

Don't do it again though. Apathy, I can manage fine on my own, but Monster Apathy, that takes some Kurt.

Brandy Rose said...

Every time I think about fish sticks I remember the Southpark episode with the "you're a gay fish" joke. But you just made me feel so sad for fish sticks. I just wanna hug the hell out of the little things,...but then they'd fall to pieces.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Your culinary rule about mayo and leg hair not mixing is not hard and fast. If you dice up the leg hair really fine, and use some Shake n' Bake with...

Wait. Did I just now make up that "hard and fast" expression? Is that a real phrase? Why have we never twssed that before? I feel like Daniel Day Lewis when he discovered that rumbly explosive sea of oil under that dry desert land. There will be twss, Kurt. There will. be. twss.

Pop and Ice said...

I did wonder where on earth you had disappeared to.....but I doubted you were gone for good.

We like fish sticks at our house and no one is adopted, has AIDS, etc. At least as far as I know....GAH!!!!

Soda and Candy said...

See, this is where you went wrong. You bought food that correlated to the emotions you *were* experiencing as opposed to the emotions you *wished* to experience. So instead of having multiple orgasms by buying a box of Snickers Almond bars, you experienced depression through "fish" and oily leg hair.

Miss Yvonne said...

Holy Hattori, it's about time you show your face again! I was all set to read a story about how you were accidentally smothered to death in a freak pillow fort accident.

P.S. I saw a lady at the grocery store yesterday buying bagged salad, lean cuisine and wine and I thought "single". Then she looked at my cart filled with frozen pizzas, ice cream and bagels and I could tell she was thinking "fat". So it all worked out in the end.

Vic said...

Fish sticks are the Charlie Brown of frozen foods.

I'm glad you're back. Because suddenly you and Steamy were gone, and it was like when you go swimming in the ocean with your friends, and while you're doing a fancy hand stand in the water the life guard yells to Get Out!! because of the stinging jellyfish, only you didn't hear, and when you flop over and stand up everyone is gone.

And they went to get ice cream.

So, whew! Did you bring me a cone?

Kurt said...

@Kristine: Dr. Phil only approves of fish sticks because he WANTS people to be sad.

@Sass Pazzaz: Anyone with a rudimentary understanding of avian death ceremonial law will tell you that counts as a contract and now I'm pretty much dead.

@Mona: The smell is what makes them sad for sure.

@Maelstrom: You were the only commentator to check on me while I was gone, so gold star for you.

@Baldy: You can keep the dinosaurs because you know what to do with them. (*wink*)

@Brandy: Fish sticks don't need your sympathy! (*fish sticks storms off and slams the door*)

@SMU, Kid: You have reached Advanced TWSS. Soon it will be hard to tell who is the master and who is the apprentice, my Padawan learner.

@Pop And Ice: Your belief in me is refreshing, albeit misguided. I'm not saying fish sticks cause AIDS. Don't get the Mrs Paul's lawyers up my ass. They're mostly pirates.

@Soda and Candy: The leg hair is always oily. I lather up with lard and try to squeeze into tight places when I'm bored. TWSS.

@Miss Yvonne: Shoulda gone Thunderdome on her self-righteous ass. But what you thought was totally cool and probably right.

@Vic: The last time I took Steamy to the beach she tried pantsing me and then she ran away with my towel shouting "Quid Pro Quo!"

Maggie May said...

Ah fish sticks.

Captain Dumbass said...

Arr, Billie, ya ever been ta sea?

No, Captain Hindgrinder!

Harna said...

Fish sticks are sad...and fucking gross. Perhaps you should consider cold, leftover pizza instead.