Monday, June 8, 2009

And The Nobel Prize for Jump Rope Goes To ...

I haven't done a list of nemeses in a while and maybe that is because I want to be at peace with my environment and want to live a life that reflects my ideals of love and harmony and I should probably get another Nobel Prize and this one would be for Peace and not for Cereal Eating or Jump Rope or whatever the other categories are. But maybe also the reason I haven't written a list of nemeses is that I forgot or got lazy or maybe I was exposed to Gamma radiation and when I get angry I turn into a green giant that must rage against the machine. And not the one that sells peas and carrots and goes "Ho Ho Ho", I mean the other one.

Okay, that last one didn't happen for sure, because if I turned into the Hulk every time I got angry I would undoubtedly turn every time I went to the grocery store and that bitchy lady who restocks the comic books came by and was all "Hey! You have to buy those! You can't sit in here and read comics all day!" And then maybe I would be reading a Hulk comic, and that would be super-ironic because Look out, Bitchy Lady! Here comes my jolly green foot up your ass. That would be way better than my usual response which is to throw a handful of Kool-aid dust into her eyes so she is temporarily blinded and then run away whilst yelling over my shoulder "Cry your Sharkleberry Fin© tears! I cannot be stopped!" And then I usually trip over the mozzerella cheese endcap because I'm too busy yelling over my shoulder to watch where I'm going and the police and the ambulance have to get involved.

Kool-Aid© guy riding a pink shark = Radical!

Okay, my list for this week:

Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle - This was on TV yesterday while I was cleaning and I hated it so much that I would stop at random intervals and say "I fucking hate you." to my TV set, and now it probably has a complex but guess what? If I showed up at your house, climbed up on your dinner table and took a dump and then started rolling around in it and touching myself, I would understand if YOU said "I fucking hate you." I would understand that it's only business and nothing personal.

Geodes - My BFFF sent me a box of rocks in the mail and that pretty much makes her awesome on like 10 different levels, but included in the box was a bunch of Geodes and sure those are super pretty and cool but I cracked them open hoping to find a power crystal that would unlock my mind-control abilities or maybe some other superpower, but no matter how hard I try I can't get the Hillbilly next door to commit suicide or even keep his box of duck off his porch for one day. So Eff you, Geodes for not having mind-control crystals inside.

Dust - I have special company coming next weekend and no it's not Child Protective Services, so don't get all stuck up and be all "La-Di-Dah! You can't beat your kids with a tennis racket for eating all the ice cream and expect to get away with it! Where are my monocle and top hat?" because I SO can expect to get away with that, because my kids know how to keep their goddamn mouths shut*. And dust is on my list because dusting sucks and it seems like everywhere I look things are out of focus because of the thin grey haze covering them and HAHAHAHA! Am I right? Dusting sucks?! Hey look...I'm blogging about housework! Fucking shoot me. I hate you, Dust.

*I don't endorse beating your kids**. Because then they grow up and seek revenge. Psychological abuse is way better.

**I mean...I don't endorse beating ANY kids. Not just yours. I would never beat your kids... that would be weird. If I just showed up at your house and started beating your kids? You'd be all "Hey! Very Handsome Stranger! Why are you beating my kids with a tennis racket?" And then you'd get Kool-Aid© in the eyes and you would understand my pain. Not really. You'd probably just want to kick my ass. But look out! I'm wily.


Maelstrom said...

Monocles are so yesterday. Lasers are the new hip eye accessory.

Dana's Brain said...

There's some article on MSN today about using Kool-Aid to clean out your dishwasher. Apparently only lemonade works though - clearly there is some Sharkleberry discrimination going on.

Miss Yvonne said...

I would never tell you to stop beating my kid because I am super afraid of the Kool-Aid...I mean, It's Pink! It says so right on the package.

Also, my kid probably deserves it.

miss. chief said...

"Cry your Sharkleberry Fin© tears! I cannot be stopped!"
just once in my life i would love to say this to somebody

Kristine said...

I stopped reading after the "jolly green foot up your ass" and "sharkleberry tears" because, honestly, it'd be impossible for me to laugh any harder than that.

HappyHourSue said...

When i was a child I used to spend summers at my Grandpop's house. We'd spend many an afternoon gathering sharkleberries for Grandma's sharkleberry pie. Good times.

Brandy Rose said...

Mind controlling abilities...its not like you were asking for too much. Geesh!

Mona Lott said...

For some reason the thought of you dusting for company is hilarious.

Kurt said...

@Maelstrom: I'm so behind the times. Like apparently women can vote now. Bully for them.

@Dana's Brain: Koolaid to clean your dishwasher? Sounds like an elaborate prank. You can also use ham as an air freshener I heard.

@Miss Yvonne: Sharkleberry attacks the central nervous system first and paralyze the muscles... no wait...that's VX gas. I watched The Rock last night. Stupid Jerry Bruckheimer.

@miss.chief: I know. As far as battlecries go it's right up there with "Top That!" and "Diplomatic Immunity!"

@Kristine: I am honored to hear I am unreadable. Thank you.

@HappyHourSue: We did that too. Except instead of berries it was hubcaps off parked cars and instead of Grandma making pie it was a slaver threatening to kill us.

@Brandy Rose: I know, right? Stupid stuck up Geodes.

@Mona: Heh. Yeah me cleaning is pretty funny when you think about it.

WakeGrace said...

i miss the awesome flavors. :( at my walmart we have blue raspberry, punch, grape, orange, and pink lemonaid.

i miss berry mountain blast and of course sharkleberry!

Char said...

what? you are not in love with Cameron Diaz's ass that they show every five minutes of that movie? or is it the slow motion karate chops that you're jealous of?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Beating kids with a tennis racket is like the medicinal marijuana* of child abuse. If you can hit their heads with the middle of the strings each time, it makes that satisfying Poing! sound and kids love funny sounds. They'll BEG you for more!!

*That's called bringing it full circle. Cue end sitcom theme music.

Vic said...

"Look out, Bitchy Lady! Here comes my jolly green foot up your ass" just needs a "Ho, ho, ho" at the end to be the ultimate comeback.

The next time road rage hits me, I'm so hollering this out the window.

(How have I missed Sharkleberry Fin all this time?! )