Hattori Hanzo: Hey, why is the bathroom light on?
Me: What are you my Dad? What's next? A shellacking for not whitewashing the fence?
Hattori Hanzo: No. I just think we should be more eco-friendly.
Me: Your mom is eco-friendly.
Hattori Hanzo: Don't start.
Me: I left it on intentionally.
Hattori Hanzo: Yeah. Okay, I'll bite. Why?
Me: So I could see your mom when I boinked her from behind.
Hattori Hanzo: Classy. Did you just say "boinked"?
Me: I did. But seriously, I left it on because I don't want to come back from vacation without a tan.
Hattori Hanzo: You don't tan. You're like one of those animals that lives for generations in caves without seeing light. Your skin is the color of God. If Saul saw you on the road to Damascus, he would be blinded.
Me: I know. That's why I was tanning in the bathroom.
Hattori Hanzo: You can't tan under one incandescent light in the ceiling.
Me: You know what you are? You're a dream-crusher.
Hattori Hanzo: No. I'm a...
Me: Asshole? Look at this skin...I'm like a buttery pale taupe now.
Hattori Hanzo: That's actual butter isn't it?
Me: Yeah. With a little of The Girl's blush and some dirt blended in. Looks awesome, no?
Hattori Hanzo: You left a big oil stain on the couch. And I nearly killed myself just now in the bathroom. That stuff is slippery.
Me: I couldn't find the regular butter so I used butter-like spread. But the good stuff. You know. Like "I can't believe I'm not tanning!"The kind that is always soft and melty.
Hattori Hanzo: Ooo! Your mom is soft and melty! Your mom is soft and melty!!!
Me: Don't be a pervert.