Thursday, May 21, 2009

Still Not Writing

Hattori Hanzo: Hey, why is the bathroom light on?
Me: What are you my Dad? What's next? A shellacking for not whitewashing the fence?
Hattori Hanzo: No. I just think we should be more eco-friendly.
Me: Your mom is eco-friendly.
Hattori Hanzo: Don't start.
Me: I left it on intentionally.
Hattori Hanzo: Yeah. Okay, I'll bite. Why?
Me: So I could see your mom when I boinked her from behind.
Hattori Hanzo: Classy. Did you just say "boinked"?
Me: I did. But seriously, I left it on because I don't want to come back from vacation without a tan.
Hattori Hanzo: You don't tan. You're like one of those animals that lives for generations in caves without seeing light. Your skin is the color of God. If Saul saw you on the road to Damascus, he would be blinded.
Me: I know. That's why I was tanning in the bathroom.
Hattori Hanzo: You can't tan under one incandescent light in the ceiling.
Me: You know what you are? You're a dream-crusher.
Hattori Hanzo: No. I'm a...
Me: Asshole? Look at this skin...I'm like a buttery pale taupe now.
Hattori Hanzo: That's actual butter isn't it?
Me: Yeah. With a little of The Girl's blush and some dirt blended in. Looks awesome, no?
Hattori Hanzo: You left a big oil stain on the couch. And I nearly killed myself just now in the bathroom. That stuff is slippery.
Me: I couldn't find the regular butter so I used butter-like spread. But the good stuff. You know. Like "I can't believe I'm not tanning!"The kind that is always soft and melty.
Hattori Hanzo: Ooo! Your mom is soft and melty! Your mom is soft and melty!!!
Me: Don't be a pervert.


Frankenfinger said...

The landlady has transparent skin also. You could always lend your self out to medical school for a side job?

Mona Lott said...


He's starting to stoop to your level, this should be good!!!

Captain Dumbass said...

"The colour of god." I wonder if Benjamin Moore carries that?

Kristine said...

I was "not writing" this week, but while outside planting shit in the ground. The result is mostly (still) transparent skin with oddly blocked and streaked sections of red. It's sexy. Butter and dirt is cool too, though.

Anna Russell said...

Yay, Hattori's back! *winks at HH*.

My skin goes one of two colours - milk bottle or lobster. I need some of your magic butter. (for some reason that sounded twisted).

miss. chief said...

yeah i'm also the color of god. in the winter i can't find makeup to match my pale face.
one time my boyfriend didn't have his glasses on and i was being sexy in my underpants and he was like "why are you wearing white tights?"
true story

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

The soft underside of my forearms are blue. There should be a box to check on applications for Blue-Americans. That shit is racist.

Soda and Candy said...

I have that same kind of skin... Every summer I emerge, blinking, into the sunlight.

I never thought of using I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! (or its generic equivalent, Butter It's Not!) for tanning purposes though.

Thanks for the tip.


I'm Nate's Mom said...

The weatherman could say it's going to be sunny today, and I'll turn tan. I wear 45 spf, and I still get tan. Swarthy, almost. I feel like a migrant worker.

Remember the Seinfeld episode where Kramer tanned on the roof using cooking oil and ended up looking like fried chicken?

Kurt said...

@frankenfinger: I have a strict policy about not following links with the words "human-anatomy/images" in the URL. You never know what a prosecutor is going to consider child pornography.

@Mona: He's just sick of me eating all the pickles at lunch time.

@Cap'n D: They don't. But if you want just install a wall-sized light and put in a infinity-watt bulb. Same effect.

@Kristine: Dirt is like AB blood. It fixes everything.

@Anna: That totally sounded filthy. I need to wear condoms one my eyes when I read these comments I think.

@miss.chief: That's pretty much the funniest story I've read all day.

@SMU,Kid: That IS racist. Blue Americans need to take the power back. Also down with the whole "'smurf' is a funny word for everything" trend. Good job Peyo. Way to hold back That's just ignorant.

The Jules said...

Blue power! Steamy needs a good smurfing you know.

Did you get caught out by that website that offered to tan people through their monitor via the internets?


Me neither. God. That would be dumb.

Vic said...

When I tan I turn a lovely shade of malarial. It's a few ticks up from buttery taupe.

Dana's Brain said...

We often refer to my sister's legs as the "chalk sticks". She is one of the epically pale.