Monday, May 25, 2009


So I'm sitting in front of the computer this morning trying to give myself a pep talk about writing and it's really not going so well, because at first I'm all "You can do it!" and then I started this long paragraph about goats because my brother totally asked for a goat for his birthday, but my parents refused him, so he was all sulky and disgusted in his non-goatiness, and that means he holed up in his room all day and watched the Porky's Blu-Ray© I got for him. But then I read back that paragraph and realized that it was total shit, and sure maybe goats are funny, but guess what? Not that fucking funny.

So then I turn to myself and I say "Self..." only I never address myself that way really. Usually I'm all "Hey! What's a handsome genius like you doing in a place like this?" and then I waggle my eyebrows at myself in the mirror and try to do a handstand, but I didn't want to seem narcissistic. Also "narcissistic" is a really hard word to spell right on the first try and did I just do it twice or is spellcheck being an indecisive bitch again? (*presses "ABC check" button*) Okay, that proves it. I'm amazing. And not a narcissist for saying it, because it's totally true and everyone knows you are allow to brag about true things. Like my friend Mike one time told me to pull over because he was going to throw up "all over the place" and I just laughed and gave him a wet willy, and now my car smells of rotten saur kraut and hot garbage, because he wasn't bragging or being narcissistic at all. He really did a horrible job of cleaning it up too and that sucked because I had just had it detailed. And by "detailed" I mean I picked all the weird sticky pennies up off the floor and threw them out the window at bicyclists because fuck them and their smug eco-friendly transportation. Dicks.

Right, so my next level of pep talk went like this "Jesus Christ. It's not rocket science. Just type anything." and that wasn't very good advice because I just typed the word "pussy"100 times and then got real sleepy and layed down for a early morning nap. So it turns out that I do have standards (surprise!) and that came as a surprise to me too, but I guess even us Genius Detectives have a day when our training fails us. 

It's like that time I dropped half of my piece of cake into the couch. I couldn't get it out without getting frosting everywhere, so I had to just squish it into the cushions and hope that no one else at the funeral would notice. And they didn't! So this is the feel good story of a lifetime, and I don't know who those people even were, but if you're dumb enough to hand out free cake at a funeral you have to expect a certain number of uninvited guests, I think. Like a reasonable number of transient, hobo, or unemployed people are just GOING to just show up and squish cake into your couch, so you better man up and deal with it.  And okay, maybe it wasn't the couch, it was the casket, and I never should have opened it in the first place, but I overheard someone say that the dead guy got his face  torn off in an industrial accident, and I am a huge fan of those so I was pretty much morally obligated to see that. And brother, let me tell you... gross. Even Mike would have been impressed by the vomiting that little caper generated.

And the last level of Pep talk I have is "Fuck this. " and then I go get some cake because I told that stupid funeral story and now I want some. And sure maybe everyone doesn't have cake just laying around waiting to be wanted, but everyone isn't me and I totally do. 

See the part above about being a genius if you are confused in any way. 


Dana's Brain said...

Goats may not be funny, but the Goat Button? High-larious.

Plus this post got me all self-motivated to make some cake.

Walter said...

Sure goats aren't funny, but being that upset about not getting a goat for your birthday is. Although, I must admit they are a superb birthday present.

Mona Lott said...

"Fuck this!" has always been my most effective pep talk.

FrankandMary said...

Funeral cake should come unfrosted. Genius, with a side of Idiot Savant maybe?

Captain Dumbass said...

My brother and I have a lot of conversations that begin with goats. They're more accusations, really.

Miss Yvonne said...

I find adding "Shit" after "Fuck This" helps motivate everyone around me at work. Especially my boss. He loves when I say that because he remembers what a go-getter and bitch I am.

P.S. I'm throwing pennies at those asshole bikers on my way to work tomorrow. Fuck them and their taking up the right lane during rush hour. Dicks.

Wow, that was awkward said...

I am afraid for what your brother would have done to that goat while holed up in his room while watching Porkys.

Soda and Candy said...

*joins chorus* Fucking cyclists.

Fuck them and their smug knowing-how-to-ride-a-bike ways. What?

Also, my new mantra is "Walk it off, pussy" but I only say things like that on other people's blogs, because I'm a Lady.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I usually just type "pussy" a hundred times. Nothing wrong with that. *sniff*

Kristine said...

Pussy is eco-friendly.
Also, I like the word "waggle." Though, now I'm thinking about Fraggles and pussy and that's certainly NOT eco-friendly.

Anna Russell said...

It's my birthday tomorrow - will you ask your parents to buy me a goat please. Goats are not narcissistic.

Kurt said...

@Dana: Cake fixes everything.

@Walter: I agree. Goats are the gift that keeps on giving.

@Mona: "Fuck this" is also good for friend's kids' birthday parties and remaining sober.

@Mary: The "Savant" part always makes me feel so good inside. Like I'm a retarded French super-hero.

@Cap'n D: Heh. I was trying to think of a good goat raping pun, but surprisingly there don't seem to be a lot of those.

@Miss Yvonne: It works great in Mother's Day cards too. Trust me.

@WTWA: He wanted "Saving Private Ryan" but I accidentally bought "Saving Ryan's Privates"... so the goat would have been extra tempty maybe.

@Soda: "Walk it Off, Pussy" is Australian for "There, there" I think.

@SMU, Kid: But you do such marvelous things with that "pussy". That's What She Said. Because she was a Lesbian. Like one of the hot, "maybe yes, maybe no" lesbians. Those are the best kind. Porn told me.

@Kristine: Pussy is so eco-friendly. I wish we could fill our cars with it.

@Anna: I'll get them to mail you one.

Vic said...

The part about your brother and his non-goatiness was a poignant moment. It was like a Hallmark special, only with Porky's.

miss. chief said...

so did the cake fall into the gross non-face or what?

Maggie May said...

I'm confused but happy.

Harna said...

Cyclists will flip you off if they think you passed by them in your car too closely. Try it. It's funny.

Frankenfinger said...

Goats are the Devils iPod!

I'm not sure I know what I mean by that...I'm sorry.