Friday, May 1, 2009

On Not Harrassing the Mailman (Court Ordered) (UPDATED! With Whoring!)

I've been trying to add some excitement to my life because I can't keep picking fights with the mailman for no reason, because he's going to lose it eventually if I keep laughing at his shorts and knocking all the mail out of his hands like he was that one kid in high school with the highly disorganized Trapper Keeper that had papers shooting out of it all over the place and wasn't it funny to trip that kid even though he would grow up to be a roguishly handsome, famous, super-genius writer? No. No, it wasn't. That was a trap.

But anyway(s), I also can't keep picking fights with the mailman because he has a wingman now who is this old retired guy who walks along with him and maybe they are friends, but if I was a postal carrier that would be the kind of thing that got me in a shootin' mood because all I want to do is walk my route in peace and then POW! here come Old Man McTalkerton telling me about bean sprouts and the rheumitiz or whatever and I really wish I didn't have all these black thoughts about ending the pain and why did I ever buy that Glock? and hahahaha a postal employee shooting things joke! Oh Em Gee! How did I get so fucking clever? Must be all the Cleverology lessons I had as a kid. Seriously. Raise your hand if you saw THAT coming. Okay, now put your hands down. Effing liars.

So instead of being all "Nice shorts, cunt." which is how I have been greeting him, now I just say "Good afternoon" since he usually has his hand on the pepper-spray if he sees me on the front porch in my robe,because it worked really well that last time and here's a little known fact: pepper spray must work extra good if you are attractive because I didn't feel like sneezing at all. It felt like bees in my eyes. And then the cops came because you really can't run around in the front yard screaming and running in circles and swearing and not be full clothed below the waist because people get all freaked out. Probably by how masculine I am but also because they are disappointed I won't take the robe off. I hate disappointing people.

And the other thing I used to do is yell after him as he walked away "Your mode of delivering information is outdated at best, and archaic at worst! The speed, expense and negative impact on the environment your job has, are inherently backward! " and also "I fucked your mom last night!" but he usually just keeps walking. The old guy turns around sometimes but who cares because he's old and probably didn't hear me right and thinks I was offering to "pluck your lawn" and I don't even know what that means, but what am I the Dog Whisperer? How should I know what old people think? It's probably just a lot of buzzing with a Cream of Wheat commercial thrown in every now and then. And also "Please let me die."

I think instead I'll take down my pillow fort and make an obstacle course, because I still haven't beaten my world record since last time and I really want to have that victory bounce on the bed later where I hold my hands up over my head and jump in circles while singing "We are the Champions" or sometimes "The Rose" because Bette Midler has such a pretty voice and then I bang my knuckles on the stucco on the ceiling and I yelp and fall down and take a bad bounce off the bed and land in a heap by my wardrobe, whimpering and nursing my bloody knuckles. Stupid obstacle course.


UPDATE: More Mad Me on Mama Pop! This one's about Star Trek and how the Wrath of Khan is probably the greatest film of all time, and if you don't agree than we can still be friends, as far as YOU know.

21 comments:

Kat said...

My kids could totally build you a kick ass obstacle course, but you have to watch out for the booby traps. Their favorite items for booby traps include metal jacks and littlest pet shop toys. Those things are a bitch when you step on them.

Kristine said...

A few things:
1. My brother was that kid with the Trapper Keeper (except it was just a three-ring binder) and I used to kick some mighty ass. Probably why I'm so amazing today.

2. I'm surprised he didn't crumble with the "outdated" and "archaic" attack. That was sharp in like, two ways.

3. We have the stucco shit on ALL the walls of our house. My knuckles (and the kid's!) are always bleeding, making it look like we're thugs. This kind of goes back to #1, because we're basically The Incredibles. Don't blow our cover.

Mona Lott said...

Please tell me you wear a cup, or at least some underoos when you do your victory jumping... Because in the mental movie clip I just saw, your "deal" was bouncing all over the place, got caught up, and really compounded the whole landing fail.

Oh look, all my mental images now involve your penis. Good work.

Miss Yvonne said...

Fucking stucco ceilings. What a bunch of spiky jerks.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

I was going to say "mmm mmm good," but then I remembered that's Campbell's Soup, not Cream of Wheat.

Old people think what you think. Didn't see that one coming, did you?

Soda and Candy said...

Old people hear a lot of buzzing... I hear, like, fairy chimes and tra-la-la-ing.

HappyHourSue said...

Ugh. Here is why I hate your blog. Your posts are so damn funny all my potential comments are all lame and unworthy and have a bad aftertaste like Palmer's chocolate.

Peggy said...

I'm with Happy Hour Sue up there...I'm not worthy of commenting but Mona Lott's got it goin' on!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Old people's inner dialogue is narrated by Wilford Brimley, and focuses mainly around scrambled eggs and Perry Como. Also, screaming "Whhhhyyyyy???!!!" in a mournful howly depressing voice.

TMC said...

Ok, look... my dad was a mailman for like 85 years & the guy's a MENACE so I'll just encourage you to harass your mailman carefully from behind your locked door or perhaps over the side fence where you can peek your head over when you throw down with the insults, then duck back down again at the first sign of the pepper spray. Also, it's not "mailman" it's "letter carrier." And if you really want to make him mad, use the term "junk mail" because as every good letter carrier is told, it's not junk mail, it's "Bulk Business Mail." That'll really make him mad. You're welcome.

Lisa Brandos said...

Your blog makes me laugh so hard I linked you in my meme today. My favorite so far has gotta be the disco ball balls (heh, I got to say balls).

Kurt said...

@Kat: You said "booby" twice.

@Kristine: Stucco is an asshole. It tried finger-banging my sister during "Schindler's List"

@Mona: I'm like Christmas every day.

@Miss Yvonne: If they ever made a movie about stucco, it would star James Spader.

@Nate's Mom: I find it hard to believe that old people share my thoughts. Because if they did there would be a lot of old people thinking Pop Tarts are delicious.

@Soda: I hear "Wolverines!" and "Diplomatic Immunity!!" and slide whistles.

@HappyHourSue: Palmer's chocolate tastes like they use too much hair in their recipe.

@Peggy: Don't inflate Mona's Ego. Last thing we need.

@SMU, Kid: I think they think about effing all day. I do. I can't imagine that changing.

@TMC: Thanks for the insight. But they aren't like magic or anything, right? They can be stopped, right?

Mona Lott said...

Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!

Jillian said...

Aw, be nice to the mailman! Ours is a treasure.

Frankenfinger said...

A pea shot out my nose at this little chestnut,

"...buzzing with a Cream of Wheat commercial thrown in every now and then. And also "Please let me die."

Strange thing, I havent eaten peas in... weeks?

sour said...

i failed cleverology, with an eleventy three point average at best

That Baldy Fella said...

The Wrath of Kahn is the only film where someone's acting is so powerful that they actaully act themselves cross-eyed. "Khhaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnn!"

Michelle said...

So you own the world record for home obstacle courses? I thought I did!! Now when you say world, do you mean the entire world or just the world of bloggers who think you are hilarious. Because if its the latter then of course you hold the world record still. If its the former, than of course I hold the worlds record.

That is all!

Anna Russell said...

If ever there was a time for someone to invent the vagina letterbox with hidden teeth, this is it.

The Jules said...

If they want to look like they're competing with modern electronic mail, they should at least run.

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