But anyway(s), I also can't keep picking fights with the mailman because he has a wingman now who is this old retired guy who walks along with him and maybe they are friends, but if I was a postal carrier that would be the kind of thing that got me in a shootin' mood because all I want to do is walk my route in peace and then POW! here come Old Man McTalkerton telling me about bean sprouts and the rheumitiz or whatever and I really wish I didn't have all these black thoughts about ending the pain and why did I ever buy that Glock? and hahahaha a postal employee shooting things joke! Oh Em Gee! How did I get so fucking clever? Must be all the Cleverology lessons I had as a kid. Seriously. Raise your hand if you saw THAT coming. Okay, now put your hands down. Effing liars.
So instead of being all "Nice shorts, cunt." which is how I have been greeting him, now I just say "Good afternoon" since he usually has his hand on the pepper-spray if he sees me on the front porch in my robe,because it worked really well that last time and here's a little known fact: pepper spray must work extra good if you are attractive because I didn't feel like sneezing at all. It felt like bees in my eyes. And then the cops came because you really can't run around in the front yard screaming and running in circles and swearing and not be full clothed below the waist because people get all freaked out. Probably by how masculine I am but also because they are disappointed I won't take the robe off. I hate disappointing people.
And the other thing I used to do is yell after him as he walked away "Your mode of delivering information is outdated at best, and archaic at worst! The speed, expense and negative impact on the environment your job has, are inherently backward! " and also "I fucked your mom last night!" but he usually just keeps walking. The old guy turns around sometimes but who cares because he's old and probably didn't hear me right and thinks I was offering to "pluck your lawn" and I don't even know what that means, but what am I the Dog Whisperer? How should I know what old people think? It's probably just a lot of buzzing with a Cream of Wheat commercial thrown in every now and then. And also "Please let me die."
I think instead I'll take down my pillow fort and make an obstacle course, because I still haven't beaten my world record since last time and I really want to have that victory bounce on the bed later where I hold my hands up over my head and jump in circles while singing "We are the Champions" or sometimes "The Rose" because Bette Midler has such a pretty voice and then I bang my knuckles on the stucco on the ceiling and I yelp and fall down and take a bad bounce off the bed and land in a heap by my wardrobe, whimpering and nursing my bloody knuckles. Stupid obstacle course.
UPDATE: More Mad Me on Mama Pop! This one's about Star Trek and how the Wrath of Khan is probably the greatest film of all time, and if you don't agree than we can still be friends, as far as YOU know.