Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Not About Jimmy Carter

I was writing this long post about Jimmy Carter and yeah that's totally normal, why do you ask? Because Jimmy Carter is totally relevant and topical, and look, maybe I just had a story about how I saved his life and now I bet you feel pretty stupid because what president's life have you ever saved. None, that's who. None Presidents. So shut up. I didn't really save his life anyway(s), I just wore a t-shirt but I won't spoil the surprise because once someone spoiled a surprise for me, and my parents thought they were doing me a favor by hiring a magician for my fourth birthday but they really just wanted to surprise me so when the magician said "Pick a card, any card!" I did, and when he said "Look at your card!", I did and when it wasn't the ace of clubs but just a piece of paper with the words "You were adopted! Pow!" on it I was totally surprised.

I knew the Jimmy Carter post was in trouble of being sent to the "draft forever"pile because as I got about halfway through it I started finding crumbs on my desk and tasting them to see if I could figure out what they were, and that kind of Genius Detective Work, I normally save for after I've posted because it requires a lot of concentration so the fact I was starting early means Jimmy Carter sucks. And I found banana cake and Cool Ranch Doritoes and what may or may not have been a snickerdoodle crumb and then I realized my diet may not be going so well, and then I realized I was never on a diet in the first place because my naturally high metabolism keeps me slender and I have six pack abs all over my body even on the inside so as you can see a little banana cake isn't going to hurt me at all.  And then I found something brown and I have a pretty strict rule about taste testing brown things and I sniffed it because brown is a very untrustworthy color and the only good thing it might be is chocolate. And all the bad things it might be are pretty much anything else. It didn't smell like chocolate so I made The Boy test it. It was chocolate, lucky for me. I would hate to have to visit the emergency room with that kid again. The nurses are getting suspicious.

And then I started listening to music instead of writing about Jimmy Carter and that's another bad sign because I'm pretty much instantly distracted as soon as a song I know is on, and now this post is starting to bore me too because I just closed my eyes when I typed that last bit and instead of "song" I typed "dong" and I didn't even laugh so maybe it's time to retire for the morning. As soon as "dong" isn't funny, it's nap time. That's in the Bill of Rights I think.

11 comments:

Lana said...

i'm glad you didn't sniff too hard and accidentally inhale the brown crumb. that could have been not-funnier than dong.

Carolyn...Online said...

If you put those desk crumbs with the hand dipped bathrobe belt you might have a complete meal.

Mona Lott said...

Well, *I* laughed, and I think we all know that's the second most important thing.

Anna Russell said...

You know who would have tasted the brown thing? Jimmy Carter. Golden Brown is his favourite dong.

Belle said...

What about the 'texture test'. You so know that if it is runny and brown, it is not going to be good. If it is 'hard and brown' though - one just might stand a chance.

Nikki said...

I got sidetracked by a floaty in my office and was about to try to catch it when my boss walked in and I had my hands raised as if in prayer and he just slowly closed the door and walked back out. That's the sort of day I'm having. Happy Hump Day Kurt!

Soda and Candy said...

That's in the Constitution, son.

miss. chief said...

hump day

Char said...

peace prize, peanuts and plains


and a crazy family

the real makings of a president

Walter said...

Definitely in the bill of rights. "I'm pretty much instantly distracted as soon as a DONG I know is on." That's goddamn hilarious.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I think bad news should always come in one of those guns that shoot flags, like PSHEW! and the flag would read: Daddy has cancer!!

That way you're so relieved it wasn't a real gun and you're still alive, even the bad news sounds pretty good.